Couple of dirty jokes

Couple of dirty jokes [+ favourites]

A guy walks into the sperm bank wearing a ski mask and a carrying a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she open the vault.
"But, sir, this is a sperm bank!" she says.
"I don't care, open it now!" he says.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The robber says, "Take one of those samples and drink it."
"But they're sperm samples!" she replies, shocked.
"Just do it," he growls.
So she sucks it back.
Then the guy removes his mas and the the woman, "see, honey, it's just not that difficult."



A gorgeous woman walks into a dr.'s office. The dr. is bowled over by how stunningly beautiful she is. As he begins to examine her, all of his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take off her slacks and he starts rubbing her inner thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" he asks.
"Yes, checking for abnormalities," she replies.
He tells her to take off her blouse and bra, which she does.
The dr. starts rubbing her breasts and asks her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes, checking for cancer," she replies.
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties and puts her on the examining table. He gets on tope of her and starts having sex with her.
He says, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Ofcourse," she replies. "You're gettin herpies. That's what I'm here to be treated for."

""Live life to the fullest!""

*choking and gasping for air*

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

"If the opposite of Pro is Con, then is the opposite of Progress, Congress?"

I got a book full of jokes like these so if you want more IM me and I will send you some. There are some that are too dirty I think to put on a board but nothing wrong with sharing via IM.

""Live life to the fullest!""

Still Laughing my ass off

"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"

Post them any ways emerald. Let decius decide if they are to bad for here. If he dont like them he can delete them!!

"Have you thanked a Vet for your freedom lately?"

I agree with walts.

"If the opposite of Pro is Con, then is the opposite of Progress, Congress?"

got my vote!

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

post away!

"The Restless Mind - The curiosity of intellectual infancy"

heres one: a boy and his grandpa are sitting on the porch and grandpas drinking a beer the boy asks"can i try some of that beer grampa?"to which grampa responds"does yer dick touch yer asshole?"the boy shakes his head "nooo "then you ain't gettin none"grampa says.then grampa lights a cigar and the boy asks again"can i try some of that cigar grampa?"grampa responds yet again"does yer dick touch yer asshole?"the boy sighs"no grampa""then you ain't gettin none"grampa says.with that the boy storms off into the house and comes back out a few moments later with a big plate of homemade cookies and grampa asks the boy "could you gimme a couple of them there cookies"the boy replys"does yer dick touch yer asshole?""why hell yes"grampa growls ,the boy says "go fuck yourself then gramma made these for me!"

"mind over matter \"if you don\'t mind it doesn\'t matter\""

that was great on a scale of 1-5

"If the opposite of Pro is Con, then is the opposite of Progress, Congress?"

Good joke, very freakin funny, I like Dugs idea about the voting thing so,
Between 1 and 5 I give this one:

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

A man living in a trailer park went to a plastic surgeon to see if he could get his manhood restored. When he pulled down his pants the Doctor said my God man what happened to it! It was completely bruised and beaten.
Well Doc I live next to a beautiful woman and each night she would stick a hot dog in a hole in her floor and then take off her panties and go to town on it. I thought why not take advantage of a good situation and I crawled up under her trailier and put my dick where the hot dog was. The Doctor said it sounds like a good idea what went wrong? Everything was going really great until someone started knocking on the door and she kept trying to kick her hot dog under the stove.

nice joke... i'd say

"If the opposite of Pro is Con, then is the opposite of Progress, Congress?"

Three men stood at the pearly gates waiting to be admitted to heaven. Saint Peter asked the first man did you ever cheat on your wife? The first man replied Im sorry to say this but I did it with a different woman every chance I had. Saint Peter told the first man then you will have to ride a round heaven on a bicycle.

He asked the second man the same thing and he said Yes I did cheat on my wife one time and Im very sorry for it. Saint Peter told the second man then you'll have to ride in a pick up truck to get around Heaven

He asked the third man the same thing and he said I never cheated on my wife. I loved her and cherished her dearly. Saint Peter said thats wonderful. You get to ride around Heaven in a limo with a chauffer. The man got into the limo and starting riding around. After awhile he started crying. The chauffer turned around and asked why. The man tearfully replied I just saw my wife ride by on a bicycle.