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Couple of dirty jokes - Page 11

User Thread
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
George W. Wants A Quickie!

One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having
brunch at a restaurant. The attractive waitress asks Cheney
what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of
oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, sir?"
she asks George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?" "Why,
Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude . . . you're
starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been
in office for a month yet!" As the waitress storms away,
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced
"quiche."

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 34yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that [MiA] is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
it would've been funny if i was american ......

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"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care .... right ?"
 37yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Wyote is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
yummy quiche...

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"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. - Thomas Carlyle"
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Subject: Ole and Sven
>>Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled
out a cigar. >>Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for
a light. "Ya, shure, I >>tink I >>haff a lighter," he
replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he >>pulled
>>out a >>BIC lighter 10 inches long. >> >>"Yiminy
Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in
>>his hands. >>"Vhere did yew get dat monster??" >>
>>"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a
genie in >>yor >>tackle box?" Sven asked. >> >>"Ya,
shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole. >>
>>"Could I see her?" So Ole opens his tackle box and sure
enough, out >>pops the >> >>genie. >> >>Addressing
the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of
>>your >>master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" >>
>>"Yes I will", says the genie. >> >>So Sven asks the
genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears >>back
>>into the tackle box, leaving Sven sitting there waiting
for his >>million >>bucks . >> >>Shortly, the sky
darkens and is filled with the sound of a million >>ducks,
>>flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven
yells at >>Ole, "I >>asked for million BUCKS, not a
million DUCKS!" >> >>Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell
yew, da genie is hard of >>hearing. Do yew >>really
>>tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 34yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Pugsl3yB0y is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.

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"Knowing the true knowledge of an answer is first understanding the knowledge of the question."
 34yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that [MiA] is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
haha
funni

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"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care .... right ?"
 44yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
No More Free Nookie!

A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags.

"Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband.

The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."

With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too.

"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.

"I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"

Em

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""Live life to the fullest!""
 44yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Put Your Hand In My Pocket!

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a very beautiful daughter who had one serious problem. Everything she came in contact with melted at her touch. Many were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her, despite her beauty and kind heart.

One day a wizard told the king, "If we can find one object that won't melt at your daughter's touch, this terrible curse will be lifted."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition throughout the land. Any man that comes forward with an object strong enough to hold up to her touch, will not only lift the spell but will get to marry his beautiful daughter and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamonds are the hardest material and are not capable of melting under the severest of temperatures. Alas, despite its element, as soon as the princess touched it, the diamond melted! Sad and disillusioned, the prince left the kingdom.

The second prince brought a very hard alloy, thinking it too couldn't melt under the most extreme circumstances, especially the touch of a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, the same thing happened. The alloy immediately melted after being touched for no more than one second by the princess.
Embarrassed, he too went away.

The third prince stepped forward and told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and touch what you feel in there."

The princess blushed and turned away asking her father if this was appropriate.

Her father wasn't pleased, but said yes, do as requested in hopes of breaking the spell.

Ta Da! It didn't melt!

The king was overjoyed! The people of the village rejoiced in ecstasy! The curse was finally lifted and the third prince lived happily ever after with the princess.

So what did the princess feel in the prince's pocket?

\/
\/
\/
\/

M&Ms of course --- they melt in your mouth, not in your hands!

What were you thinking?

Em

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""Live life to the fullest!""
 34yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that [MiA] is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
haha good one
i forgot all about that comertial !

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"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care .... right ?"
 61yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that okcitykid is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.

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"A fool says I know and a wise man says I wonder."
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Dirty minds....dirty minds, he he he

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 44yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A guy woke up at 4 am one morning ready to go duck hunting. He wakes his wife up and says, "Come on honey time to go hunting."

"I don't want to go. It's cold, too earlier and I want to sleep," she replies.

"You promised you would go with me this morning."

"I know, but now I don't want to go," she repeats.

"Ok, I'll give you 3 choices. You can give me a blow job, you can take it up the ass or you can go hunting with me," the man says.

She thinks for a second and says, "Ok, I'll give you a blow job."

So she goes down and starts doing her thing and she comes up spitting and cussing.

"Why the hell does your dick taste like shit?" she asks.

"Well the dog didn't want to go either," he says.


I know that is sick but my brother in law told it to me and thought I would share.

Em

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""Live life to the fullest!""
 44yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I Cannot See, I Cannot Pee!

Dr. Seuss on the Golden Years:

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My body's drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

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""Live life to the fullest!""
 44yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Oh Crap!

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies!



To Be Rich & Gorgeous!

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with us!

Em

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""Live life to the fullest!""
 44yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Luigi and Mario are talking one day and Luigi asks Mario, "You like women witha fatta arms?"

"No," replies Mario.

"You like women witha fatta legs?"

"No," Mario replies again.

"You like women witha fatta asses?" Luigi asks.

Again, "No."

"Then why you fucka sleep witha my wife?" Luigi asks.

Em

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""Live life to the fullest!""
Couple of dirty jokes - Page 11
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