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Couple of dirty jokes - Page 5

User Thread
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Did you see that? I'm stealing your thunder Kookie!

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canapés the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. 'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go. 'Spot,' she cried out sharply. I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll be fine. So he let loose a really big one. 'Spot,' shrieked the mother, 'get over here before he shits on you!'

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
- Spot
he he he he...

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
The Priest Lost His Rooster!

A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.
From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?"
All the men inside the Church stood up!
"No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women inside the Church stood up!
"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?"
All the nuns stood up!

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Oh, jeez!

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. Hummmm...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number one thing that sounds dirty at the office but it isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Damn! Now that one is funny!

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Now officially laughing my ass off at

quote:
8. Just stick it in my box.

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that shadowcult is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I always ask people when there getting off, never thought about it that way. People are ganna think im weird when I start laughing now lol

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"Emotions are for the weak minded, so cry me a river build a bridge and get over it."
 43yrs • M •
SubstanceD is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Sister Mary Margaret is walking up to the rectory when she sees little timmy, billy, and john hanging out buy the snow drifts doing nothing. So she walks overs to them and finds them with their dicks in the snow drift. So she asks what is going on. They reply we are just getting ready for father Thomas. "Well boys I don't think that this is how father Thomas would want to see you." Timmy says sure mother father always likes a couple of cold ones when he comes home from work.

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"No random actions, none not based on underlying principles."
 32yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Dugbug is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
This is the story of two friends, a young chicken and a horse who lived at a farm.

One day, the chicken and the horse were walking around in the forest when the horse fell into quicksand. The chicken knowing he had to get help fast raced off back to the farm. When the chicken arrived at the farm he noticed a BMW and thought there might be some rope around. So the chicken got the rope and the BMW and drove back to the helpless horse. The chicken then tied the rope to the back of the BMW and threw the other end out to the horse who grabbed it with his teeth. Next the chicken got into the BMW stepped on the gas and pulled out his horse friend from the quicksand.

After that their friendship grew even more.

Then one day as the two friends walked through the forest, the chicken fell into quicksand. So thinking quickly and without a moments waste, the horse straddled the quicksand and told the chicken to grab on to his genitals. The chicken did so and the horse then pulled him out of the quicksand.

From that day forth the two have been best friends.
The moral of the story: You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks when you are hung like a horse.

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"If the opposite of Pro is Con, then is the opposite of Progress, Congress?"
 44yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet
and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was
startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came
over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to
lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't
believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for
fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"




A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities.
He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us,
his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that
of his mischievous side.

While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't worry
about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."

The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the
voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with
their patients."

Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better
about himself at which time another voice in head says,
"but you're a veterinarian."





A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he
does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write
a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed
of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please
do not blame the landlady.



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""Live life to the fullest!""
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
The apartment one was definatlly the best!

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 43yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to
him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd
floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at
his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a
handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down
his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so
angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is
wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
coming."

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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
he he he he he he he

-Apt.
-Horse/chick
-mother-in-law

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
Couple of dirty jokes - Page 5
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