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Couple of dirty jokes - Page 4

User Thread
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in the father's room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
4 Lady's-

Here's one:
An elderly spinster called the Attorney about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone and, I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney, who agreed and went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression." He continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished. Tell her it will be $5,000 for an hour's worth of service."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for well over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow morning! She's going to let the County bury her!"

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Being Pregnant

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."


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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Didn't know where the Teddy was going until the end, that was good-
Lawyer-

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 28yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
"During the summer you don't have any nights, and during the winter you don't have any days... What do you do during that endless summer day?" he asks. "We go fishing, and make love to our women," the Eskimo replies. The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question: "Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?" Eskimo grins: "We don't go fishing..."

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
-Eskimo!

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: One U.S. leader.

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 38yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Q. What do you do if your wife has triplets?

A. You go out and find those other two guys.




A married couple on holiday in India passes a sandal shop. The shopkeeper calls out, "Friends, come into my humble shop." They walk in, and the shope keeper says to the husband, "I have special sandals you would be veddy interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great crazy elephant."

"That's rediculous," the husband says.

The Indian says, " Just try dem on."

The husband does as told, and as soon as he slips then onto his feet he gets this wild look in his eyes, grabs the Indian, bends him over a table, yanks down his and the shopkeeper's pants, and grabs the man's thighs.

The Indian screams, "You have dem on de wrong feet!"


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""Live life to the fullest!""
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
That's a good one PV


COMPUTER VIRUS

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.


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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Indian-
Virus-

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"


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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 28yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 28yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Mr. Humble is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

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""How do you know we exist? Maybe we don't exist." -Vivi FF9"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
*Laughing my ass off*
Poem- !

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
Couple of dirty jokes - Page 4
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