DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or
Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three
Granny & The Playboy Channel
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching
the Playboy Channel.
He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get
ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out
the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
just drop it in!
What's Up His Ass?
Flaming Projectile Gerbil -- Actual article from the LA Times
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
thinking that the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot
of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." -Good start.
10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" -They do this frequently?
(Or, at least they have done this more than once).
9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at
8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being
out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
men who shove rodents up their butts."
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made
a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...
Fix The Outhouse, Pa!
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't
nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he
hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my
stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
Are You A B.I.T.C.H.?
Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know.... Young, Urban,
Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E, you now....Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it:
"So, just exactly what is a B.I.T.C.H?" they ask in unison.
* B - BABE
* I - IN
* T - TOTAL
* C - CONTROL of
* H - HERSELF
So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch"...SMILE......and say
Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them is to get a
The nurse comes into the room and tells both men "Strip and put on
gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and
proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to
have a clean procedure."
The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to
complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to
him as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and
to give him oral sex.
The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I
masturbated and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO
Blue Cross/Blue Shield!"