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Couple of dirty jokes - Page 9

User Thread
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
The most DANGEROUS Snake in the WORLD!!!

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly
venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.


WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.


SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.


CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not
necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.


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""Live life to the fullest!""
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Restless Mind is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to use

this logic.......

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After

almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and

they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a

room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on

the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill

for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells

the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth

$350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on

speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the

hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were

available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for

which the hotel is famous." The best entertainers from New York,

Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we

didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to

pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,

"this check is only made out for $50."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my

wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

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 34yrs • M •
At a CTL of 2, wesdawgy is a full member of Captain Cynic and is a consistent participant in discussions.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn snakes, (slither, slither).

Those were good, have to pass those ones around ($300 doesn't seem unreasonable...for the wife)!

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
[  Edited by wesdawgy at   ]
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
OMG...firebird...

I'll let you all know if I ever stop ROLF LMFAO....


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""Live life to the fullest!""
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Dirty Drawings!

Little Johnny's father has to come to school to talk to the teacher.

Teacher: 'Sir, I'm sorry, but your son does absolutely nothing at school, he fails every subject!'

Dad: 'Except for drawing, he's a very good drawer.'

Teacher: 'That's correct, last week he drew a tiger on the chalk board and the kids were so frightened I couldn't get them to enter the classroom'

Dad: 'That's nothing, last month he drew a pussy on the stove, I burned my damn dick three times!'



Rocking Chair Nookie!

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking
chair!"



Mary's Bad Body Odor!

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!"



Pull Down Your Pants!

A little boy and a little girl go every day to play in a chicken coop.

One day the little girl comes up to the little boy and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."

The little boy asks, "Why not?"

The little girl answers, "'Cause I'm growing feathers."

The little boy stares at her in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me."

So she pulls down her pants. He thinks about it for a little while and decides it's not that big of a deal, so they both decide to continue playing in the chicken coop.

A few weeks later the little boy comes up to the little girl and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."

"Why not?" she asks.

"'Cause," he says, "I'm growing feathers, too."

She looks at him in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me!"

So he pulls down his pants.

The little girl's eyes widen, and she says, "You're not just growing feathers, you're also growing a neck and a gizzard!"


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""Live life to the fullest!""
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
What's so exciting about a period?

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy. Well, I can see that." She said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."


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""Live life to the fullest!""
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing football without a helmet.


COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with
the boys.


BUTT (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
"look
bigger."

male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or
goal.
Also good for mooning.


COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything that can be done while drinking.


FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
bonding.


MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.


REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three
minutes.



Granny & The Playboy Channel

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching
the Playboy Channel.

He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get
ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out
of
the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the
bedroom
floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
could
just drop it in!



What's Up His Ass?

Flaming Projectile Gerbil -- Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot
but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match,
thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot
out
of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." -Good start.

10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" -They do this frequently?
(Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at
the
sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being
shot
out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their
rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
one
ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
of
God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic
men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made
up
a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into
my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted
the
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor
and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...



Fix The Outhouse, Pa!

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the
kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there
outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't
nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the
problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he
hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my
beard's
stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"



Are You A B.I.T.C.H.?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know.... Young, Urban,
Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No
Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E, you now....Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it:

"B.I.T.C.H."

"So, just exactly what is a B.I.T.C.H?" they ask in unison.

* B - BABE
* I - IN
* T - TOTAL
* C - CONTROL of
* H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch"...SMILE......and say
Thank
You!



Naughty Nursing!

Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them is to get a
vasectomy.

The nurse comes into the room and tells both men "Strip and put on
these
gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and
proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to
have a clean procedure."

The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to
complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to
fondle
him as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and
proceeds
to give him oral sex.

The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I
get
masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO
and
Blue Cross/Blue Shield!"



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""Live life to the fullest!""
 34yrs • M •
At a CTL of 2, wesdawgy is a full member of Captain Cynic and is a consistent participant in discussions.


Oh my fuckin...those were absolutely hilarious!!!
My fav is the Gerbal joke!

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 25yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Dugbug is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Those were friggen great!

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"If the opposite of Pro is Con, then is the opposite of Progress, Congress?"
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pv_emerald14 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Like A Cow's Butt!

Once again, miscommunication between women and men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like
yours!'"



Dirty Sign Language!

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a
handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."


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""Live life to the fullest!""
 36yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Three gilrs walk in a bar, a burnett, red head, and a blond. As they walk in the bartender calls them over to him and says "listen ladies theres a magical mirror in the womens bathroom, if u tell it a true fact something magical will happen, but if u lie it will suck u in".
So after told this the ladys give it a shot. First the brunnet goes in and tells the mirror that she thinks shes the most beautiful girl in the world. BAM! Keys to a brand new Lamborghinni that was sitting outside popped right in front of her.
Second went the red head. She walked in front of the mirror and said, I think am the smartest person in the world. BAM! 1,000,000 dollars appeared in front of her.
Now seeing that its true the blond walks in the bathroom and looks directly into the mirror and says "I think" and instantly the mirror magicly sucked her in.



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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Restless Mind is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
kookie, havent we seen that one on here already? the blonde and doctor one I mean....

hmmmmmmmm

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 36yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Blonde, Brunette, and a redhead get drunk at a party. They get in their car and go home, soon after they're driving, a policeman comes and follows them. They are scared for getting pulled over for drunk driving so they floor it in an attempt to get away and the police start to chase them. They go down a dark dead end alley. They get out and see three large sacks. They each get in one. Police show up, shine the flashlighte around and notice the sacks. Policeman kicks the one w/ the rehead in it. She meows. The cop assumes it kittens. He then kicks the bruinettes. She barks. He assumes it's puppies. He kick's the blonde's and she says "potatoes!!!!!!!!!"

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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 36yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Kookiekruncher is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Firebird............your car has a flat..............right rear

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"Treat everyone as you would want to be treated"
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Restless Mind is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
LOL, I will shut up now...........

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Couple of dirty jokes - Page 9
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