ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt - The Fates lead him who will. Him who won't, they drag. - Seneca
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I'm Stuck In a Rut, and I Can't Move On...

User Thread
 32yrs • M •
One_Legged_Dog is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I'm Stuck In a Rut, and I Can't Move On...
I remember when I was young, the skies were blue, the wind was relaxing and the air was filled with the smell of excitement and promise. I was top of my game. I could do anything I wanted to, when I wanted to, how I wanted to, and it couldn't be better. Everybody liked me and I had numerous friends that wanted to hang out with me and girls would line up to just look at me. I remember I had the feeling of confidence and I was the best at nearly everything I did. I was also one of the coolest kids in school, and everybody knew it.

But then...somewhere in the 7th or 8th grade, I fell into a rut. A serious, serious, rut. I lost my spiff. I remember all of a sudden one random day during my carefree schedule, it's like all the kids decided that I no longer was good...at ANYTHING.

Nobody wanted to really hang out with me, I was no longer the best at any skill known to man, no more confident aura that told me I could do anything and anytime. I spun off down a sad and lonely road while I watched all my friends subtly exclude me from their lives. Girls began to think of me as just that loser that is there, and he's nice but he's undoubtedly a loser.

Now, I realize that this is a problem and that I want to take action. For years it has been KILLING ME. I see it everywhere. I see it when my friends NEVER invite me anywhere with them, without me having to beg them to. I see it when I try to hit on a girl and she reacts cold and annoyed by me...only to turn right around and fling herself all over one of my friends (especially this one guy who is nothing special, yet he seems to be amazing at everything....he stole my shazam!). I've played guitar for 2 years, and the friend of mine that is "amazing" picked it up for a couple months and he's already just as good, if not better than me.

When I'm with my friends, they don't hate me or dislike me, it's just that I'm nothing special or invaluable in their eyes. I'm just that guy who shows up every now and then and makes us laugh. It seems that I can't do anything right. I'm a small person, so I can't do a lot of physically straining work, so of course I catch shit from that 24/7 from everybody, and it makes me incapable of doing tasks that everybody else can. I'm hesitant about making decisions b/c I know that whatever I do, won't be the right way. Everything I do seems to be outdone or done the wrong way to begin with. I'm a bad driver, a bad cook, a bad student, I'm also VERY unlucky about anything. Think of the worst possible scenario...it'll happen to me. I'm seriously in need of recovery of whatever this is.

For years it's tortured me, and now I'm looking for at least some hope that it'll get back to the way it was. I'm:
- intelligent (not as intelligent as...anybody else...apparently)
- funny (not as funny as my friends...apparently)
- relatively good looking (I look relatively good, but not as good as...)

I don't understand why nobody seems to care about me, or like me. They don't hate me, or dislike me, they just don't like me. I'm just there.

Can somebody relate to this, or give some advise on how I can get back on top, where I belong?

Thank you.

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 33yrs • F
A CTL of 1 means that vigil is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Hello,

It sounds to me like you're defining your own self worth and capabilties by how other people see you and how much attention you gain from them, thus the negative perception you have of yourself is only influenced by the seemingly negative (or lack) of attention from the people surrounding you.

First of all, I'd like to point out that if your friends don't think you're special or invaluable just as you are, without any special talents or skills (truth or misconception, whatever it be) to prove yourself worthy to them, and if they avoid going out with you and inviting you anywhere, perhaps you are in need of some new friends? I think friends are people who find worth in you just being their friend, without you having to try and impress them all of the time.

I'd like you to think about this also -
Are you continually trying to impress your current friends with things like how well you can dress and how good you can be at a subject in school rather than just being a good friend to them? ie. listening to a friend when they are troubled or helping a friend out with any problems they may have?

"I'm hesitant about making decisions b/c I know that whatever I do, won't be the right way. Everything I do seems to be outdone or done the wrong way to begin with."

Sometimes when you suffer a fall (or a few), you begin to doubt yourself about your own capabilities and this in turn, can have an effect on your performance levels. Doubting your capabilities makes things more stressfull, as you worry about being able to prove yourself to others, as well as yourself.
Some steps you could take to recover from this overwhelming feeling of self-doubt, are that you view these mistakes as the natural progression of learning (which is what they are) and stop comparing yourself to other people so much- just focus on what you have to do and how you can improve upon whatever it is that you want to improve.

Also, when you believe that you are "bad" at certain things, you tend to stay away from doing them in order to ignore your lack of skill or talent in that area and so by doing this, you don't give yourself a chance to learn or improve. Sometimes there are some things that people just cannot do because of some physical incapability or mental incapability, but I believe that in most cases and with most things, we can always work towards improving upon whatever it is that we aren't very skilled at - thus no one can really be "bad" at something forever if they don't want to be. Though on the flip side, a person can't really be exceptionally good at something that they don't care about.

Lastly, you should really ask yourself if who you think you are and who you want to be, is what other people think you are and who you feel that they want you to be. It is quite easy to fool yourself into thinking that who you want to be, is whoever everyone else wants you to be - because you think that at least if you stick with what everyone else wants, then you'll always have friends and you'll always gain positive attention and then you'll always be happy with who you are.

The thing is, if you're always only shaping yourself to fit someone elses world and someone elses perception of what is valuable and what is worthless, then you'll always be trying to reach everybody elses standards and perceptions and trying to be everything to everyone. And the truth is, that none of us can be everything to everyone, and we can't always impress everyone we meet and be the person that everyone wants us to be. But if you try to do all of these things and shape yourself to fit everyone elses standards and ideas of "amazing" and "cool" and "successful" - a few years down the track you'll come to see that everyones standards and ideals are different from each other and you'll exhaust yourself and possibly even hurt yourself in trying to change yourself all of the time in order to impress everyone you come to develop some sort of relationship with in your life. And when you turn to ask yourself who it is that you really think you are and what it is that you really want in life, you are likely to have an extremely hard time trying to figure these things out because you haven't branched out on your own yet and done things by your own terms and your own ideas.

Reach the top according to the standards that you set yourself and those of which you find worth in and don't let anyone other than you, dictate what you can and cannot do. (though the law is an exception) =p

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 48yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Sorceress is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Yes I agree with all that the above post says.
Stop being so hard on yourself. You are young, believe me when I say over the years, friends will come and go, you will make many different relationships in this cruel world. But you are the one constant in your life, you have to live with yourself for hopefully a very long time. So concentrate on liking the things about you that you can be positive about. Concentrate on your own good points and what makes you happy. Treat your friends and perhaps even your enemies the way you would want to be treated and I think others will start liking you for what you are and you will start liking yourself too.
Hope this helps, you sound like a pretty cool guy to me.

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""Each child holds the world in an open hand to mould it into any shape they choose.""
 32yrs • M •
One_Legged_Dog is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Thank you for all the advise, and I understand what you're saying. I know that I shouldn't value myself according to other people's opinions. I usually am my own person, sometimes when I'm hanging out with my friends, they'll acknowledge me and talk to me, but I know that I'm excluded still. The friendship flows around in between 3 or 4 people, then I come in sometimes, but those 3 or 4 people always hang out together, and they're all concerned with each other and their affairs, and I just feel out-of-the-loop. I want to be in it. I think it as a chain reaction. If I somehow revive my friendship, it will give me more fun and happiness, which leads to more confidence and less caring about other people's opinions, which leads to more success, etc. But I just can't get in that damn loop.

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 32yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Endless Feed is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Hello One-Legged-Dog I understand how you feel. A few months ago I felt the same. I now have friends that I know will never backstab me, and are very good friends. The way I made a few friends in a few years ago was to good recognition to the bear minimum in a groujp. Then I ignored some people, before I knew it those people tried to become my friends, which they did. IN a scence its the Mystery method defined by Neil Strauss.
The best way ofcourse to make friends is to just be intrested in them, it will take around 2 months. I know it sucks when this happens, but this is the story of many peoples lives. Once we where heros now we are the public enomies. An example of this is in 1918 Russia, people that helped construct the communist empire, were later labled enomies of the state and killed. Jesus him self was betrayed by his friends. But Remember remain who YOU are. Never live up to someone elses dream. Never give them that kind of power. Oh and fuck your friends, as off tomorow stop trying to be what they want you to be. Show them you are who you are and would rather die.

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 32yrs • M •
One_Legged_Dog is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I'm interested in anything that will give me my success, confidence, sense of belonging and the sense of being wanted back. I will take any advice dealing with why I feel like this, but I want to solve the problem more. Any help would be great.

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 48yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Sorceress is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Yes but we can't always be independent , that leads to loneliness and confusion, we are social beings. There is nothing wrong with being dependent occasionally. Everyone needs to be encouraged and be given a boost to their self esteem by others. It's OK to admit you are hurting and need some advise. I agree in the end you have to be true to yourself. But if we all sat in our own isolated little shell and didn't listen to advise from the outside of ourself when it was offered we would have a very limited existence.

One-legged-dog needs three more legs, and I say carry on everyone giving him a leg up.

Listen to what people say but make your own judgement.

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""Each child holds the world in an open hand to mould it into any shape they choose.""
 30yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that zyphon is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I have had no experience with being at the top and falling because i have always been at the bottom.

What made you lose that cofidence? Why did you lose it?

Is it possible that you would give up that route of life and search for new friends that you don't have to worry about leaving you?

If you honestly dont care about what others think, find someone you have something in common with and then start talking. Find friends dont just expect them to always migrate to you.
(im not saying thats what your doing, just saying it)

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"sad is the heart that loves. its usually broken"
 32yrs • M •
One_Legged_Dog is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I know that I have to be a friend, to get a friend or something like that. See me and my friends were close and I had a "higher status" among us. They would always seek my approval, follow me around, etc. I sound like a little brat I know, but it isn't like that. I wasn't manipulating them or using any power I had over them, I just enjoyed the company and feeling like I mattered. Then somewhere in the 9th grade or so, they all changed. They all conformed to an anti-conformity mindset. They all started dressing differently, etc. I didn't. But my friend problem started before that, I was top of my game, then one day EVERYBODY ignored me and thought of as "that guy".

And the friend thing is just one of my problems out of....EVERYTHING. I mean, not only did I become excluded from most things with my friends, I somehow lost the ability to do anything right. I can't do anything without screwing it up, or it isn't as good as somebodies' and they make sure to rub it all over my face (plus I already feel like shit about it all in the first place). AHHHHHHHHH

I guess a good way to put it is that I'm like George from Seinfeld. I'm always losing, I'm excluded...not really hated, but not really wanted, everything I do goes haywire,unsuccessful, people like to point out my faults, etc.

And I used to be like Jerry, always coming out ahead, liked, successful, etc. (If you've never seen the show Seinfeld, this is a very good analogy.)

It may seem trivial after using a Jerry Seinfeld analogy, but it hurts so much to watch everybody else be successful and wanted, included in stuff, then look at how everything falls out of place for me. Thanks for all the help so far though.

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 33yrs • F
A CTL of 1 means that vigil is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
If you're feeling excluded from your friends, instigate an outing with your friends that you yourself have organised. If you feel like your out of "the loop", start a new one.

And about mattering to people -completely forget about "trying" to matter to anyone. You WILL matter in the end so long as someone or something genuinely matters to you.

I believe you are focusing far too much on how you used to be able to affect people and how you used to be able to carry out certain abilities, instead of focusing on taking the necessary steps towards progression.
Most of us do not progress with our abilties and relationships just because they are simply natural to us. We progress because we have taken a special interest in those abilities and relationships and sometimes the progress is slower than we would like, somtimes it is quicker than we could have dreamt. Stop thinking about how things used to be and start living for what you believe they should be.

“You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself to be.”

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 30yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that zyphon is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
"If you truly believe you are forsacken and nobody notices you and that you are at the absolute bottom, you have given in and given up, you have made your self lose the battle."

Might seem wierd but, for me i think of this. I am ignored never been at the top but i do have friends. Stop thinking about what you have lost and start thinking about what you can gain. Have you seen people in a different way since 'everybody' left you? Do you see any new possibilitys?

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"sad is the heart that loves. its usually broken"
 32yrs • M •
One_Legged_Dog is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Today I just went to school and had a good positive attitude, and it's worked better for me. I still got framed for cheating, was abandoned by my friends and had to sit alone at the pep rally...and lunch, but it was still better.

What new possibilities?

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 30yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that zyphon is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Not to be harsh or anything but,
are you dying?
is there a bully picking on you?
are you getting beat up?
does a family member have cancer?
does your family hate you and abandone you?
is there someone threatening to kill you?

If not then why the HECK are you so down?

You went to school with a positive attitude (so you say) yet you are still noticeing everything that is wrong with everyone else.

Have you even tried to sit next to someone new? Talk to someone new? HOW HARD ARE YOU REALLY TRYING AT THIS?

Not to be mean. But i have lost all of my friends too. I have been a loner for years. And its not that hard to get out of it ONCE YOU START TRYING. NOT THINKING OF HOW BAD OFF YOU ARE.

Just... just try talking to someone no matter who they are, just talk to them or just start talking about something and if you find common grounds keep talking. Trust me you do NOT want to be alone like this for years.

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"sad is the heart that loves. its usually broken"
 32yrs • M •
One_Legged_Dog is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
No offense taken. I think you're right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, and I'm expecting everything to work out for me. Thanks for the input.

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 32yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Endless Feed is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
here is another thing to think about, this builds on the ideas presented vigil. What hurts you more: them not being your friends? or being lonley? Lets say hypotheticly you can be friends with a whole difforent group of friends and it was doable. WOuld you in a heartbeat screw those old ones. This isnt hypethaticle either, i'm sure that there is another group of people out there at your school, and not just one that you can associate with. I'm sure that you can make friends with those other groups. I personaly think you can do it, i dont see the reason you can't.

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I'm Stuck In a Rut, and I Can't Move On...
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