i just got this in an email and thought id share... made me laugh so hard! *still laughing*
Dave Barry's philosophy
01. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
02. If you had to identify, in one word, the
reason why the human race has not achieved, and
never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
03. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
04. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
05. You should not confuse your career with your life.
06. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get
up and dance.
07. Never lick a steak knife.
08. The most destructive force in the universe is
09. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
10. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.
16. Final thought for the day: Men are like fine
wine... They start out as grapes, and it's up to the
women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with.