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Boyfriend has gained weight, I am losing attraction

User Thread
 36yrs • F •
Fumiko is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Boyfriend has gained weight, I am losing attraction
I know this might sound like I am a horrible person, but I need to be honest and I don't know what I should do. I met my boyfriend a few years ago and when we met he was slightly chubby, but I had no problem with it. I met him when I was 22 and he was 26. After six months of dating and great sex we moved in together and have been together ever since.

But in the last 1 1/2 years he has kept gaining weight and it's at a point now where I don't feel attracted to him and I am not even very interested in sex with him. Sometimes I make excuses like I'm tired from work to avoid sex but I feel so bad about that. I hate the situation I am in.

I have tried talking to him about this about six months ago but he seemed very not interested. I even try to get him to join me when I work out but he always says no. What should I do? I feel like his not caring about his weight tells me that he doesn't want to lead a healthy life and that really is not okay with me.

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 45yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that Cainchild is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
If the roles were reversed, and he stopped touching you because you'd gained weight, there would be no redeeming him as a person. He'd be sexually objectifying you etc.
Again, roles reversed this would be called abuse.

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"Fear is the emotion that prevents us from doing thing we shouldn't have thought of to begin with."
 38yrs • M •
Dozz is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I should also say that this may sound harsh but I am going to speak my mind. Being physically attracted to someone is a very important part of a relationship. Of course it should go deeper than that. There should be a real emotional connection and you should care about each other beyond looks. But honesty is so important too, even when it might hurt. If you are not satisfied and you feel the your lack of physical attraction is causing problems you need to act. You cant be expected to stay in a relationship that doesn't give you physical pleasure. Its so key. Yes I know the ideals and etiquette of society would have one say that you should love someone no matter their faults and that true love means sticking with someone no matter what. That is true... in a way. The thing is, if staying in the relationship will end up making you sour and resentful and unhappy, then you are not doing either of you a favour by staying. Especially if you have already spoken to him about it then he needs to show he cares enough about you to make an effort. Leaving him as a girlfriend would not mean you have to stop caring about him. If their is a reason he is letting himself go, then giving him a shake up by showing him he still needs to put in an effort may even be good for him. The question is how you would do it. I would never say to just leave him and tell him you've had enough and its finished and cast him off, no way. But if you tell him you need a change and make him understand that you still want to be there for him if he needs a friend (I know that is easier said than done) and that you wish him good things too, then you are well within your rights as a decent human-being to take a new path. But you have to be sure about it. Maybe you do love him enough to stay with him anyway, maybe there are enough other things between you to hold it together, but if not, you shouldn't feel guilty for the rest of your life it you leave. Being a person who would ask this question on this forum Im supposing you are caring and do have a strong conscious, in which case, leavinh´g him would hurt you too, you have to realise that as well. It would be a drama, but dramas and pain are inevitable parts of life. Just try and be sure you are making your decisions with compassion and respect for others AND youself.

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 38yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that CooJaye is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I agree with Dozz. The physical is soooo important.

I'm recently married and my husband and I had no trouble talking about issues like this before we got married.

I remember having a conversation with him about getting fat as we got older and what would be his limit for me and vice versa. I told him, that chub doesn't matter to me if he's still living a healthy lifestyle and not killing himself with fried food at every meal, etc.

He told me that he doesn't worry about me getting massive or anything like that because I'm a sporty person too and am health conscious (not a healthy workout freak, but very aware of living healthily) and he said I respect myself too much to not put myself in that position.

After we had that conversation I knew that the whole weight thing wouldn't be an issue because we respect ourselves and our bodies to let it get too out of hand.

He has since gained some weight and taken up a diet and has been going to the gym more. He didn't need me to tell him to do that. But I think if he kept getting bigger I wouldn't be happy with it at all. I don't think how you feel is wrong. I know that if I let my health slip away he wouldn't look at me the same and wouldn't be attracted to me like he is now. It's just the way it is and we both know it.

Only you know if you really want to stay with him and if things are right or aren't. Women are pretty intuitive with that kind of thing and we tend to know the answers to our own questions but fear that how we feel isn't the right answer. Talk it over with some close friends and see what else comes out. You might find there are other issues that you aren't away of, or that this really isn't an issue.

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Boyfriend has gained weight, I am losing attraction
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