The Source of My Evil

There's a deep philosophical/religious dilemma I keep coming to in my life. I am in a cycle or pattern where things seem to go well for a while and I feel like I'm gaining traction and control and then sooner or later I will spiral into an almost suicidal depression.

It always seems to come down to one thing:

I cannot bring myself to submit to the will of God.

It's like the final option for me. I can go on with my own plan for life or I can let it be in God's hands. But when I get to this decision I always choose not to submit and serve. I do not want to be a servant. I want to be a god. It's this selfish part of me. I can't make the leap into servitude because I'm too paranoid that it won't give me what I want or need.

There must be a narcissistic root so great in me that the thought of eternally being "second" or "in the service of" is something I'm almost prepared to die for. I would at least need the possibility for eventual equality with God - but there seems to be nothing to suggest in any religious texts that this kind of scenario exists. The thought of eternity where there's this unachievable greatness thoroughly frustrates me.

Of course I could be looking at this all the wrong way or be confused about the true nature of God and what we can achieve. I have to think about this some more.

Hello Chrisd. I have a few questions for you.

Are you religious? If so what religion are you? What age did your religion begin? Are you parents religious?

Are you in a financial or emotional cycle as well? Like bad relationship or something? Are you addicted to any drugs?

"I cannot bring myself to submit to the will of God."

Does this mean that you believe there is some kind of fate you are trying to fight against? Or that it is difficult for ou to accept a weakness? If you could elaborate more...

Saying that you want to be a God is also confusing. TO you mean you want to control everything in the universe, or that you want to be perfect, kind alike void of al mistakes?

These are some key words and phrases that poke out to me.

I am in a cycle or pattern

spiral into an almost suicidal depression

I do not want to be a servant

I want to be a god



Perhaps you are relating God to a personal figure in your life and the conflicting emotional lies with in that relationship.

All these questions and thinking about this has been a good exercise for me. I now think the problem isn't that I've been unable to submit to God but that I wasn't serving anything. It's pointless to serve yourself, there has to be a greater mission to strive for, whether it's God or something else. I feel better and less evil realizing this.