33yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that awakendwraith is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Thursday June 11th, 2:30 AM
Why collect something that you can't remember collecting? I don't see much of a reason to do that. I guess I should do something about not remembering. I'll write the times and dates down. I think that will add to the overall feeling.
Sometimes Communicating gets so frustrating.. Its like a big fog comes and sits in my head, but its sharp. It stings. I feel powerless to make it go away. It is very controling. It comes with out warning. There is no time for deep breaths, and even if there was, they don't do anything.
I should have been doing this for a long time.
Sunday June 14th, 10:39 PM
I have realized that the only reason why I get as angry as I do, which seems to be more than most people, is because I have learned Proper Anger. People are not born with the knowledge of true anger, it must be experienced. Whether or not it was warranted at the time is irrelavent, because I have experienced true anger in one way or another. So when I get angry, it is seemingly more angry that I "Should" be, but in reality, it is a perfect expretion of my feelings. Most people just havent gotten there yet, or are too afriad to let themselves go into what can only be descibed as Truth.
I am honest, and very forgiving.
Thursday June 18th, 6:28 AM
It feels like I've been dreaming of wanting something, and slowly, yet unknowingly, aquiring smalls bits of what I want, until there is enough in Plain view that I see that I am already accomplishing goals I am not yet done defining. It is Rapid, Exciting, and Fun. But above any of these things, I do, in all honesty feel lucky. It is not a feeling I choose to feel so I may feel fullfilled, as a sort of self lie, but the honest observation, of a still growing person. Life is change. I am alive, and I am Happy.
As well, I often worry about running out of Emotion. I hope that this is not the case, and believe so. Those thoughts are the source of my anxiety, or i believe is key to it.
Thursday June 18th, 5:16 PM
When ever I learn something about myself I always feel like a drain has been opened in my head and all the presure is being let out. It is a good feeling, and striving to achieve has given me a wonderful life. I feel that I can and will make this a Key in my way of living, and that it has the power to last most of my life. As long as I keep learning, I will always be happy.
June 19th 8:57 PM
A sense of meditation comes with a trance sparked by vibrations, like turning a car over. Quite until a shot of electricity creates an explosion that creates a roaring thunder of seemingly perpetual pulsing. through my eyes, ears, everything. I am the furthest thing from clear. I am happily clouded. I Don't Want To See. With Blindness comes a sense of Innocence, and with that, a sense of Freedom. Freedom of all things that my moral, ideals and ethics stop me from doing. Don't mis-interpret me, I am in no sort of Pain. I am not suffering from any kind social exastentialism. I am exactly what I want to be. Freedom... Freedom is a beautiful thing. I allows us to creat a world that we may live in, because we need not follow someone elses malevolent design our own worlds. So, as we grow, we create our Ideal World. An Ideal World is something hard to obtain though. Mainly because it is hard to define, and unless you have a great deal of knowledge about yourself and everything around you, you won't even understand your own desires. People act like knowing yourself is an easy thing. It isn't.
Learn yourself and Know Life
June 22nd 5:53 PM
It is easy to remember what is Constant in my life.
July 1st 4:41 PM
I am in no more control what thoughts manifest in my brain then which rain drops fall on my shoulder. I have been paying attention to the origin of though lately and I have noticed that many times, but not all times, there is nothing in my brain, and then, a full and complete thought the very next instant. This process takes litterally no work from me, the only work I do is in translating the way my brain says it and the way I hear it. Noticing that thoughts take no real work from me to create, I can't help but feel I am not responsible for them... Like no title is earned, because none is deserved. My thoughts are not trophies of artistic expression, they are manifestations of my past present and future. They happen on there own, and the only control I have over them is how much information I process through my brain. But that information is not Thought. The effortless ways I come to conclusions make them feel less rewarding, but understanding that makes me feel like I am more capable of doing so.
"Why cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."