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My Life

User Thread
 35yrs • M •
Martyson is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
My Life
Ok first time poster here. Just joined today.
Saw this forum and thought maybe someone in here could contect with me.
Forgive my spelling and gramme as it is due to my dsylexia.No that is not a great reason and I shouldnt be blameing it on that but im just lazy and I've just too many other forums and texts talk.
All that being said.....

So everything in my life was ok.Primary school was great fun. Tho like any other kid. I would like to take it off.
Apparently one day when i came home i told my mum i wasnt heading anymore. So from there on i stopped eating "healthy"
I wouldnt eat veg fruit steak etc. All I eat was chicken and i have been for the last....maybe 13-14 years now(im 20 now)
Tho my eating has greatly improved since then. I ate steak some fruit. But still no veg. Its a pyschology thing. I need to come over. Hopefuly you maybe will help.

One day in primary school everyone was asking what religion each other was(now northern ireland is not a place to talk about religion espicaly if your a catholic)
Naturaly i didnt know.So went home and asked my parents.They told me i was a catholice. But not to tell anyone(look up Northern Ireland histroy)
So i didnt i lied to all my friends and told them i was a protestant
Being doing that ever since. There only a handful of my friends know who i truely am.
Allow Northern Ireland nowhere near as bad as it use to be. There still the few a**holes out there.

The first girl i "liked" was ash'j.
This was maybe when i was 10-11.
When i first saw her i thought she was a angel. I remember the day. It was lovely sunshine and she was walking down my street. Thats how we meet.
Me neal,steph and ash'j would go into one of our houses ever Friday and watch a movie while playing "ABC" was sort of like spin the bottle.
But before we went into steph's house that night me and neal was in his playing truth and dear. He asked who i liked. Told him ash'j and i was going to ask her out to see the pokemon movie(first one lol)
Later when we was in steph's house. Neal for whatever shouts out
"atleast im not going to ask ash'j out"
well ashj turned and said..word for word
"no!!! your ugly!!!"
Naturaly i was wrecked.I cant remember after that point.
Next day tho all our friends were out and as i walked up to them all she got up walked over, hugged me and said sorry.

Few years pass. New girl ash'w moves into next door to me.
She told me couple days after moving in she liked me. So we keeped in a secret cause she didnt want everyone thinking she was a sl*t. But i was immature at this stage and didnt even get to hold her hand.
Well she droped me went to her carvan. Comes home. Me her adam and emma was playing truth and dear. Emma asked us all who we liked. Me and adam both said ash'w. She said both us. Adam asked her out. She later told me she only said him cause didnt want him to feel left out. I said to do what she wanted. So they went out.
Then for maybe 2years it was always "him and her going out" her breaking up and then going out with me. After a while they went out series for just under a year.
Me and her have a wee fling going for a while.couple years.
I pass my driven test. Then it was ashj's 18th party. That ashw wrote me a letter saying she really liked me(ive still got that letter and few others she wrote me while we was going out)
So i was quick to jump into a "dating with her" cause i really liked her. So we went out.Broke up cause i was a idoit. Went out and again broke up cause i was a idoit.Went out and then she said something that really upset me and i got in my car and started to speed. I caimed down and went home and cried my eyes out to her.
We dont talk anymore havent since we broke up nearly 2years ago.

I could go into loads more detail about all this.but trying to get the point out here.

Few years go by.
Just out with friends enjoying myself and working and at colleage.
Get a job in the goverment.Very boring but pays bills off.

Went out one night we friend craig and zo( i had previously got into zo"kissed"so my intention was to get with her again.She brough a friend out Julz.We clicked immedaitly. It was just like we knew each other our whole lifes.
We started dating after two days of knowing each other. Everythin was great it all went well.Smiles and laughs.
She breaks up with me cause she said her x was still in her head.
(again i can go into more detail)
I then felt she lied to me and confidented her. I was wrong and i read over a email she had previously sent me. I was totaly wrong

Well thats more and less my life in a nut shell.
Point its. I remember all this bad things well more easier that i remember all the good times. Yes there good times in my life aswell. But everytime i think its always the bad times that come up.
Is there anyway of forgetting this?Or letting them go so i can move on and get on with the rest of my life. Cause i still get depressed due to this and others.

Any help would be greatful thanks

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 42yrs • F •


I read your post and parts of it were a little confusing but I think I got most of it - enough to empathise with your dilemma.

Its hard to have your heart broken over and over. The thing we as people are never told that these heartbreak's actually begin occurring to us when we are children. And that they are relevant. Escaping, despite how appealing it may seem from the midst of depression, will not provide you with real freedom from the pains that you feel. Forgetting the things that hurt and cause you pain will not get rid of your depression. Forgetting will only make your depression hidden under layers of distractions. People smoke, drink, socialise and try to fit into pop culture because they want to forget the things that hurt them. But when you look at most people closely enough, you will seen that many of them that look happy are not.

I think depression is a result of our minds not facing something that it needs to face. I will suggest one exercise for you and you could try it and see how it goes. Make some time and isolate yourself, perhaps in your bedroom and try to ensure that you will not be disturbed. Turn off the lights and sit or lie down. Close your eyes and think about one memory that usually makes you feel depressed. Think of a specific memory or event. Try to really focus on that memory and how you felt. This will be painful. You might have hesitation in you towards doing it. But keep trying. And when you feel pain it may overwhelm you. But once you do feel the pain, hopefully your mind will target it to the thing that caused you pain. And this will hurt even more. Try to focus on your pain and the cause of your pain. Try to have compassion for the person you were when that pain was created.

You have to be able to direct your pain to the source that caused it - this doesn't mean you have to go and let your pain out on the person that caused it. It can simply be in your mind. You mind wants you to acknowledge to yourself that you were hurt and that so and so were responsible. The lack of freedom in your mind to know that you were wronged by all these people contributes to your depression. For example, you have to be able to know that it was wrong for ashj to say what she did, and that although she said sorry to you in words, she did not take responsibility of reversing all the damage that she did by saying what she did. The fact that you remember word for word what she said and after it happened your mind is somewhat blank means it was a traumatic experience for you - and that the trauma has not been reversed.

I know I have written alot here, I don't want to overwhelm you so I will leave it here and you can let me know how you feel about what I have written.

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"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
 35yrs • M •
Martyson is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Ya sorry.As i said tho im dyslexia so any posts i post will be somewhat like this.

I understand were your coming from.
Thanks. I will try that tonight and will let you know how it goes.
Thank you so much

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 42yrs • F •
No need to apologise. I just wanted to be clear to you that there was a little confusion for me, not to make you feel bad at all. Its better that you know that I was a little confused, so that later on if there is any misunderstanding on my part we both know that it could have been there from the start. I wish you well. I feel interested in knowing more about your dyslexia and I don't think you should feel bad, or be made to feel about it.

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"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
 35yrs • M •
Martyson is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
That ok. I tend to say sorry way to often. And i always end up feeling bad and try to make up for the things i feel bad about. I never feel as tho as the person im saying sorry to fully understands how sorry i am.

Im on other forums aswell as this one. Hench why only getting to reply now. Plus i only use forums while in work.Monday to Friday.

My dyslexia?
Its just like any other person with dyslexia really.
Reading spelling.
How ever i think it effects my speach aswell.
But then that could just be my confidence.

What would you like to know?And i will try to do my best to answer it. Unfornatuaely wont be until Monday at the earlies

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