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Love for 1, 2 or none? - Sincere, FRANK advice needed - Pls reply - TY

User Thread
 38yrs • F •
Closebystarz is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Love for 1, 2 or none? - Sincere, FRANK advice needed - Pls reply - TY
I'm in desperate need of sincere, frank and constructive criticism. I find myself lost and going in circles. I have a friend I met online at 16, we have kept in touch for 10+ years now, and are very very close. We admitted early on to having feelings for ea. other but left it at that b/c we were young and lived so far away from ea. other. One yr after that I met my husband in HS, been together 8 yrs, married for 5 yrs now n have a child. Through out our entire relationship I've kept my friendship w/ online guy strictly that just friends.
1st 2 yrs of hubby and I's relationship where very good, overall don't get me wrong the 8 years have been 'ok'. 3rd yr together hubby didn't work at all, during this time I solely supported the family I didn't make much and we lost a lot, lived w/o utilities at times, and got into debt. During that time I supported him fully, I tried to understand and I was just on 'survival' mode, it wasn't until afterwards when he shaped and found a job that the resentment sunk in. If it makes sense I felt/feel let down by him, and I lost a lot respect for him. He's a good guy but he can't keep a job and he's lazy, messy, un-kept etc and it hurts to at times finding myself thinking he's a looser.... I find myself questioning all he does and thinking always that I know better, as a direct result of that year. I take charge and get things done and he has admitted to feeling that b/c he let us down he has the need to please so just lets me do it my way, in turn I feel that he doesn't cooperate, long story short it's a cycle feeding of itself that cost me to change my feelings dramatically towards him. The other major problem was when he became friends w/ my 'bff' and I was jealous he would go outta his way to help her and be nice. I found them texting ea other late at night (2AM-ish) and when I confronted him he QUICKLY deleted the texts and denied that it was anything bad..so did she..and I tried to believe. Shortly afterwards I found on myspace website, on our computer at home, a sign on email address that had been saved like someone had accessed or tried to access their profile from the computer. I looked up this mysterios profile and found blogs on it written by a man about a woman that he had feelings for but couldn't have. I befriended the profile owner in an effort to find out who it was and he gave me a fake name. I remembered hearing that name so I googled it and was shocked to find out it was the name of a character from a book my hubby had recently finished reading. I also noticed that the email address had the exact date of the return of my 'bff's' husband, I found this disturbing b/c upon her husband's return he forbid her from hanging out w/ me b/c he had been given word that my hubby had hit on her, (I had also heard and confronted my hubby but he denied and again I believed). So this date I found it to be too much of a coincidence as the blogs mentioned that the author could no longer see this woman. So I confronted my hubby on this and he denied and said that he had checked my myspace and found a message from this profile and instead of asking me about it deleted it and tried to login as them (hack it) to see who was trying to contact me. I struggled w/ it but I tried/try to believe.
Now after this event I started to realize that a lot of the love and feelings that I had for my hubby at one point were not there or were not as strong anymore. Nothing really changed until I got the opportunity to finally meet online guy. We met up for a weekend of site-seeing and during that time it was as if all the feelings I had felt way back when and all those that I had tried to keep at bay during our long friendship were confirmed. I found myself falling in love w/ this man. He confirmed that he felt the same way and after a long discussion about my feelings, confusion and such he decided to move cross country in hopes that I would one day pick him. When he moved to my state I realized that I needed separation from both to determine my feelings. I explained the situation to my hubby but didn't tell him I had feelings for this other man, I just told him that I needed time to evaluate what I felt for him. I moved out and established myself and he lived w/ a friend shortly and then lost his job...again...and then his place to stay. He lived outta his truck & at the mall for a few weeks and I confused guilt, nostalgia for what we had and compassion for newly-confirmed love so I took him back in. I told online guy that I wanted to try to fix things w/ my hubby and he agreed and in an effort to give me space enlisted in active army and moved to a diff state. Now being away from him I realize that I'm content w/ my hubby, I can live life, I smile and go on but I'm not truly happy b/c I don't love him like I used to, and honestly don't know if I still do at all. I miss this other man, I think about him constantly and ache to have him near or hear from him. I don't want to be selfish. I feel an obligation to our vows, to our child, our families and I don't want to hurt hubby b/c he is a good guy and he says to love me so much. What do I do? Stay in a 'content' marriage and fake it in hopes we make it? Or leave what I know behind and start a new path w/ this other man for whom I feel so much for? Thank you for reading this long post. I felt that w/o the details readers wouldn't be able to give informed criticism. Again I ask for real, frank advice. Sugar coating helps no one. Thanks in advance.
Wandering aimlessly.....

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"Happiness is a decision"
 32yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Necrachilles is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
You need to decide what you're getting from a relationship with your hubby versus a relationship with this online guy. Look at who it will affect and how. In the end you have to choose your happiness or the hapiness of others. Maybe you'd be happy knowing that you prevented others from being unhappy, I don't know.

If leaving your hubby is what makes you happy and your hubby loves you then he'll want you to be happy. You could even talk to him about it, he'll know eventually anyways if not already.

Just an opinion from what you've said so far.

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"Inside my shell I wait and bleed..."
 47yrs • F •
clgibson is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
All I can say is your playing a dangerous game. I know because I've actually gone ahead and kissed the guy, touched him, and now my life is a mess. I was friends with a guy from work that I was attracted to. We became closer and wanted to be around each other more. Then I decided to write an email that said, "I love you". Then I kissed him in the elevator two weeks after that. He liked it and kept doing it even though we were both married. Then my husband kept hinting around like he knew what was up so I told him. My husband was calm and gave me a choice. He said if I was to be with him that we would need a divorce, but that this other guy would have to divorce his wife first. My husband and the other guy negotiated over the phone about the bills that were incurred during the marriage. The other man got afraid and put a court order on me and my husband. I couldn't go to work so I lost my job. Then my husband was arrested after that. I bailed him out and now my husband is on trial for Extortion. The other guy has no evidence, but the State is pushing it as far as they can. I still fantasize about how it would have been or if it could change in the future, but now I'm focused on my husband getting out of this. I mean, my husband has been the one who's stuck it out for me despite me cheating on him. And I mean, I was having a physical relationsship with this guy and had strong feelings. Now my world has been shattered. I could have lost everything and still could. I don't think anyone deserves this. It just happened. But even my husband knows that I would have loved the other guy for the rest of my life. That's hard for him to swallow but he is much older than me and knows that I've been good to him and he couldn't do much better than me. I cook for him, clean, and do everything he wants in bed. I don't complain much and I respect his space. For all I know, my husband could have cheated on me, but he'd take that to his grave. He wouldn't want to hurt me. He knows I'm wild and sexy and I can't help it. I really shouldn't have ever married anyone. The first time I did it was for love and being pregnant. This time I needed financial help and still do. I guess my marriages were entered into with a heavy heart.

Learn from my mistake and don't tell your husband unless your really going to make a move and make sure the other person is ready for a committment.

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 30yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that zachf is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
People like you are the reason I have to get up in the morning and try so hard to convince myself that humans are truly good and not a race of monkeys bent on desire. Today I was doing good, until I read this.

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"Whether we wake or we sleep, Whether we carol or weep, The Sun with his Planets in chime, Marketh the going of Time. -Edward Fitzgerald"
Love for 1, 2 or none? - Sincere, FRANK advice needed - Pls reply - TY
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