Actually there were a couple of reasons I started this thread. Funnily enough one was to do with you, her. Before I gave you any more advice on how to deal with your peers over your religious dilemma I wanted to see if i could admit something that was not easy to admit. And I wanted to see what it felt like once I had done it.
Since my parents are really cool and don't care if im religious or not, or if i was gay... there would be no point in telling them.
I wanted to find a group of peers who I looked up to and cared about their opinion of me. So I posted here.
As it turned out, it was easy for me to say what I said. Ive always been honest and I dont care what others think as long as Im true to myself.
Though I admit, I have felt kind of embarrassed since posting this. Its probably the lamest thing ive posted here on CC. (Im sure others would argue that.
)
Also, I wanted to know if others felt the same as I did. And maybe learn a little about myself along the way.
I am pretty sure Im not homosexual in any way. I went through that doubting my sexuality when I was a teen. And after searching deeply, I came to the conclusion I wasn't gay. I even asked a friend who is a physciatrist, and he asked if I have ever masturbated over a man or ever been with a man in a sexual way. The answer is no.
I have never even had an erection for another male and i have never even kissed or touched another man in any sexual way.
The thought is actually rather repulsive when I think too deep on it.
But there is this really weird feeling I get that I tried to describe here. It only happened a few times in my life. My first memory was of a school teacher when I was in primary school. Looking at the hair on his body always made me feel like a girl. He was a man with mans features and i was child with girly features.
Im sure there have been other examples too. Just some men can make me feel not as masculine as I normally feel.
David Bowie has always been a favourite singer of mine and only recently ive been going onto youtube and watching all his stuff. And also reading up on all he has done. I think its his depth that I like so much. He's someone who has seen everything and experienced it all, and is still sane. He very creative and artistic, and he's so damn cool. I feel like he's experienced so much more than me and i can see it in his eyes. And I admire him and wish i was like him i guess.
So when i watch his stuff I just wonder what it would be like to be a female and be with him. Then of course i feel kind of effeminate. Its kind of a feeling of "letting go."
I think men need to feel "in control" and its the female who lets herself be "open" and "acted upon" when it comes to sexuality.
And when I let myself feel "open" like that it makes me feel like a female.
Maybe its an alpha male thing. Im usually the alpha male in most situations. But there are times when I come across someone who makes me feel week and girly. And I guess Im unused to that feeling.
I wonder if other men feel that.
Moreso, would they even admit it. I doubt many people will, since they aren't as secure in their manhood as me.
I am a very masculine man who also has a strong feminine side and I like that. It makes me feel as if i have the best of both worlds. That im a whole person with both yin and yang in abundance.
Or, maybe Im just a freak lol.
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42yrs • M • 
