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Pieism

User Thread
 37yrs • M •
TwistedLago is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Pieism
It's a new cult. But besides being an organized religion, it really contradicts itself, making itself out to be an anti-religion. Ironic, and not serious about itself. One thing remains true though...no one can disprove its true, so practicing it is not completely pointless.
Want to learn? For the person who enjoys their pie. Yes, I said pie.

The Sacred Text A La Mode


At first there was nothing. And then there was pie. Pie is all around us. The Pie God created us. Our world baked for four days, and on the fifth day, the Pie God had a beer. The Pie God flies around us in Billions of pie parts, observing our every move. He doesn't watch us to enforce his morals, because he has none. He just likes to laugh at us. The Pie God loves all humans because we make him laugh so. The world was created in the image of the pie. It has an outer crust and a warm juicy filling in the middle. Pie has existed since the beginning of time. Actually, it was before that. The Pie God inspired the pies we eat today. People who were divinely inspired by his essence created pies. The Greeks were the first to make pie, but it was the settlers of the new America who got pie the way it should be.
If we do something 'bad' we know it's bad. Killing your fellow humans is bad. The Pie God and the other minor Gods in 'The After World' deal with whatever we do in our life. We don't talk about 'The After World.' No one knows what happens there, but it's where the Gods reside. When we die, we go there. If we are bad enough, The Gods will decide, and Fatty Mc Butterpants may eat us, where we will be gnawed on for two millenniums. Sometimes it is said we will be digested into the core of the earth. But we all agree that we are connected in Piedom. In the end, the Pie God decides our fate.
Every Wednesday is when we pray to the Pie God, the day the religion was knownst to humans. To pray, connect your pinkies, ring fingers, and middle fingers together by their tips, pull your palms away from each other, outstretch your index fingers, and bend your thumbs. Acknowledge the Pie God, and you're done. The Pie God does not mind if you have another religion. You are free to practice it and believe what you want. There is one thing he asks though, and that is to believe in pie. Pieism is all about...believing in pie.
One day every one million years, on March 26th, the Swarming of the Pies takes place. Inadvertently, One million years in 'The After World' is one year in our time. So every March 26th is The Swarming of the Pies. This is when the Pie God groups back together all the pie parts flying around the world to become whole again. On this day he cannot see what you do, so one can get away with certain things. On this holiest of days, no pie is to be eaten, because the Pie God cannot form back together with the consumption of pie-based foods. One must wear cool-looking sunglasses on this day in the possibly event of the sun exploding. Which could happen any day now for reasons no one knows. In the case of the sun exploding, whoever is wearing sunglasses will not become blind and would be saved by The Pie God. Plus, they look cool.
The founding day of Pieism is December 10th. It is The Day of Pie. When saying 'The Day of Pie.' One must repeat the word 'PIE' at least four times after in an echo-like effect. This is to dramatize this day, and make all know that pie is holy. On this day, and with all other Pieism holidays, everyone must be referred to by their Pie Name, which is given to them on the day of initiation. There is a ceremonial pie eaten of choice. Before the feat everyone must say the Pie Hymn. 'Oooooh Pie. Mmmmmm.'
On the days before and after every major holiday, pie is to be eaten. Mind you, you may only eat the pie if you celebrate the holiday. The holidays of pie eating are:
- The days before and after Christmas
- The day before New Years Day and on New Years Day
- The days before and after Halloween
- The days before and after Thanksgiving
- The days of Hanukkah
- Any Religious Holiday
- The day of April Fools (The Pie God has a sense of Humor)
- Your birthday

These are 'Pieism Days' where one rejoices with pie. Everyone must say the Pie Hymn before feasting on a pie of choice. A pie of choice could be any pie. There are many kinds of pies in this Pie-world of ours. Apple Pie, Pecan Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Cherry Pie, Cobbler, Quiche, Pot Pie, Pizza Pie, Crème-filled Doughnuts, Cupcakes, Cake, Crème-filled Danishes, Shepard's Pie, and many more. Everyone is to be referred to by his or her Pie Names on these days.
When someone joins the Pie religion, they eat some form of pie, and have a current member initiate them. The current member says 'In Pie We Trust,' and the one joining responds, 'I have my finger stuck in the Pie.' They are then given a Pie Name of their choice. It can be anything. If the new member cannot think of a name, a Pie Preacher will give them one, or approve one for them. They are now a fellow Pieite.
Pie Preachers are divine Pieites who spread the religion of Pieism. There are two as of The Day of Pie. Iron Banana and Captain Spakin' Crackers. But there is no Church for pies. Pies have no house, they are to be shared by everyone. And the Preachers do not try and convert people away from their believed religions, but rather enlighten them about pie.
Some may ask why we eat pies when they are Holy. It is because The Pie God wants to share the pie-goodness of pies. He is pleased when pies are eaten. They were created in his image, and pay respect to him.
There are Minor Gods in 'The After World.' These are the offspring of The Pie God. However, they are only minor Gods, and are not as powerful as The Pie God or as cool.
These are the known Gods:

The Pie God- Baker of the World.

The God of Cupcakes- Was created to give Humans companies such as Hostess.

The God of Pumpkin Pie- His self image is eaten at Thanksgiving to make up for missing him on the day of Halloween, a holy day of candy and monsters.

The God of Doughnuts- Created to give Humans companies such as Krispy Crème.

The God of Useless Crap- Provided the world with all the stupid things that serve no purpose.

The Cake God- Ruler of cakes. Eating cake for a pie is okay, but not as preferred as an actual pie. Cake is the least liked of pies, because it really isn't a pie. The Cake God gets angry because everyone likes pie so much and he does one bad thing every year. The most cataclysmic event at the time is caused by his temper.

Fatty McButterpants- The God who eats.

Jumbo, the Guard of The End of the Universe- A giant sperm whale with a top hat and monocle who patrols the End of the Universe so no one gets through. The End of The Universe is filled with scary things we could not possibly comprehend, like Microsoft systems that actually work.

The God of Pointy-Things- Ruler of all pointy things in the world. People who love pointy things usually pray to him as well as The Pie God.

The Cheese God- Cheese is a divine substance inspired by the Gods. The Cheese God is queen of all dairy products and is feared by those who are lactose intolerant.


There is one thing all Pieites should fear. Clowns. It was Spanky the Clown, a powerful clown entity who once challenged The Pie God. He was slain and sent to the center of Mars for a million eternities. Clowns are evil. People who dress up as clowns are like Satanic worshipers. They are worshiping Spanky and his evilness and are minions under his will. If a clown tries to eat you, you can prevent it by clapping your hands and saying, 'Blahghiddybloo.'
While we all disagree on certain things, Pieites all believe in one thing...Pie. We all believe in pie. Pie is good. Pie is great. Anyone who hates pie cannot be a Pieite. If someone hates all pies and means it, they are guaranteed to be eaten by Fatty McButterpants when they die.

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 40yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Wyote is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
LMAO!!! i think ive been practicing this religeon for quite some time actually... ive known about the "god of pointy things" anyway... where do i sign up?

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"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. - Thomas Carlyle"
 39yrs • M •
deathunter is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I'm a pieist, a JoJo Pieist which believe the pie has come to earth in the form of a man, JoJo. We hope to unite pieism under one banner.

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"Join Me in the worship of the Almighty Pie!"
 36yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that eliasan is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
uhh wtf i must say you are right though no proff against it say other religons but the same can be said for them. So yeah id better expect to see some pie otherwise im just going to laugh at them.

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"Fear nothing for fear is the mind killer."
 39yrs • M •
deathunter is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
JoJo Pieism!

Heres some ihfo about JoJo Pieism, a recent verison of pieism!

JoJo Pieism believes the pie has come to earth in the form of a man, JoJo. They follow the sacred scrolls of wisdom. There are 5 sects of pieism known. These include the sacred text a la mode and the holy church of pie. Strangely enough all the sects have come into being with out knowing about the others.

We think that there is a Jesus of pieism, pie in a human body. His name is JoJo. We also believe that all animals are sacred and should only by killed for food. This includes spiders, ants and even mosquitoes! We believe that cake is not holy but not evil either (the sects disagree on cakes, i don't about you). The holiest number is pi (3.14159 etc). Very holy people get to become pieits, a pie saint.You only go to hell for a certain time depending how bad you are before you go to itermed and finally pie heaven.

Spirits

Master: Lobster,Genghis Khan and Tabby Fat

Major: Cheese,Shark, Sumo, Lasanege and Bodyguard

Greater: 100000's, pretty powerful

Lesser: 100000000's, weak and puny

Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Usereathunter"

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"Join Me in the worship of the Almighty Pie!"
 44yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Wayback is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
All hail the Great Pie in the Sky!!!
Silly sh*t, there is no pie, on the earth nor the Sky . . 111

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 51yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Sorceress is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I think you're on to something here, if you wrote a book it could be bigger than Terry Pratchett's disc world with flying turtles and elephants holding it up!

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""Each child holds the world in an open hand to mould it into any shape they choose.""
 44yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Wayback is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Oh, no . . no that just a myth, the world is a large bowl. {Land holds the water on the earth & Christopher Columbus only circumnaviagated around its circumference.} What water that does seep out (or through) runs down the outside but is evorated & form the clouds in the sky.
Ah, Professor Peabody , here & this is my boy, Sherman.

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 51yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Sorceress is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.

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""Each child holds the world in an open hand to mould it into any shape they choose.""
 39yrs • M •
deathunter is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Visit JoJo Pieism's offical website at:
http://www.jojo-pieism.tk
Praise be with the Pie!

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"Join Me in the worship of the Almighty Pie!"
 42yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Chained Wings is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Heretics! Blasphemers!

How dare you bring your false God onto these forums!

I know that this is the work of Satan and your god is a false god meant to bring mankind down.

But you shall never be able to keep down the true God, or his message.

Behold! The Flying Spaghetti Monster!

http://www.venganza.org/

Bask in his meaty glory. Revel in his saucy goodness. And partake in his mouth waterin delights.

And for all those who try and force your false god of Pie onto us, may you burn in a hell as hot as a thousand Vindaloos!

All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
For his word is culinary delight.
And his will shall be well done.

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"When I was a child I flew! Then as an adult- I watched others soar."
 32yrs • M •
Godblessyou is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You guys are all going to HELL! That has to be one of the biggest blasphemies I have ever heard. F*** You!

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"It could be worse. I could be a mormon."
 32yrs • M •
Godblessyou is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Again, any such person who says things like this and causes his brother to stumble, will wish he had never been born. Not only the person who made this up, but all who go along with it, are destined to burn in the scorching fires if the pit, what the more advanced of us would call HELL. I am appauled, ashamd, and disgusted by this thing. It's Odious. If you don't believe in an afterlife, you had better be right, or else you're going to suffer forever without God.

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"It could be worse. I could be a mormon."
 34yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that MugenNoKarayami is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I wouldn't mind residing in purgatory or limbo. If God doesn't want to accept me for who I am and what I have become, then I would rather be in those places in hell.

note, I would not be suffering at all, because the only thing I would be without, is God. I've lived and conducted myself very well without him in my life and will continue to be asm virtuous as possible, being relieved of him for eternity would actually take that burden off my back.



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"I'm a human being, God Dammit!! My life has value!!!"
 42yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Chained Wings is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Godblessyou, first I want you to go and look up the word sarcasm. And while you are there look up irony too. Dont worry, Ill still be here when you get back....



....Now, that you understand the concepts, the sermon can begin....

And perhaps you might feel a little less angry or hateful about what some people are saying here.

I myself, and Id probably have to say most of the other people who have posted here, do not believe in these false religions.

But I believe why these religions are even being made up is societies reaction to people like you who have no tolerance and take everything ever written in the bible verbatim without actually questioning the writings of people, who believed that when there was a drought it was some magic man in the clouds mad at the farmer who shagged his brothers wife.

And it is there just to portray how silly it is for one person to tell another that they have found the way without any actual proof from any God.

If you think that these pseudo religions are stupid or blasphemous, then do some research on Scientology, or the Quakers or some of the splinter right wing Muslim and Christian religions. Even the Mormons if you like.

Arent they just as stupid in thier beliefs? So why is it that according to them, they are gonna live on a cloud playing a harp, while they watch everyone else frying in the lower pits of Hell?

I believe these sites where some peoples way of showing just how ridiculous it is to take for gospel what another man tells you without any fact.

As a Christian who so easily denounces his fellow man and talks of burning in hell for their views, try to remember that 2000 odd years ago, YOU yourself would have been given the EXACT same treatment and contempt for your beliefs. YOUR religion was considered a fruitcake pseudo religion made up by a bunch of idiots that were deluding themselves of the TRUE GODS.

In fact. You wouldn't even be given a voice to speak that opinion. Your ass would be impaled on a spike at the colosseum, as lions gorged on your entrails for the amusement of what was once considered the most advanced civilisation in the world.

If there is a God, I would like to think that HE has given me a sense of humour for a reason. It helps me cope with all the pain in this world. It helps me see things in another light and may show me the way where total seriousness would not.

And it gives me the ability to look at another's actions or beliefs in a way that does not make we want them suffer eternally in a horrible place.

I also think that if your god does exist, He'd be alot happier at me for trying to find out the REAL truth about Him, rather than blindly swallow any bullshit that is fed to me by the religions of today.

You may hate me for my views, or telling all this to you, but I trully wish you the best in your search to find happiness. Wether it be through finding God, or something else of value in your life.

But please do not judge me, or others, without knowing all the facts.

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"When I was a child I flew! Then as an adult- I watched others soar."
Pieism
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