If I ever acquire wisdom i suppose i shall be wise enough to know what to do with it. - Laurence Darrell
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Dealing with death

User Thread
 33yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Attolia is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Dealing with death
How do you deal with a dead person's absence? They are not there anymore. You won't see them again. Your memories of that person might wither with time.

My grandfather died a few days ago. It feels weird. I feel like he's gone on a trip because he's not around. But I don't have the pleasure of knowing he will return. I wasn't that close to him, but I spent summers at my grandparent's and he was always there. My other grandfather died years ago, but I barely saw him so his death had no effect, so this recent death is like a first for me.

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"How can we be just in a world without mercy and merciful in a world without justice?"
 37yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Wyote is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Each experience I have had with the loss of a loved one has been unique and wholly different. A period of grieving is needed, but that journey is your own because we all grieve differently. What I try to do is understand what their absence can teach me. That way it feels as though they are still an active part of my life.

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"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. - Thomas Carlyle"
 31yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that thelivingend is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
talk about it. write things down so you dont forget, and eat lots of popsicles.

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"and then, everyone died."
 39yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Chained Wings is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Since my own grandfather died less than a year ago, I can understand what you are feeling Attolia. I guess it depends on the individual, and wether or not they were close to their grandparent.

I have always been close to my grandparents, he is first one to to die, and also Im a very emotional person, so even now I am still not over it.

The thing that is so hard for me was the guilt associated with it.

Ever since I can recall, all my grandparents played a major role in my life. And they all seemed larger than life and so immortal.

And because they all lived to such an old age I was sadly faced with having to watch them lose that larger than life aspect and slowly die.

At some point I begin finding it increasingly difficult to go and visit them as it seemed they were falling apart in front of my eyes. And that not only reminded me of my own mortality, it was painful to watch them change so drastically.

So in recent years, I have not visited them as often as they would like.

My grandfather had cancer for many years, but it never seemed to affect him and he had numerous remissions.

But last year my father told me that he was finally dying from it and I promised to go around and see him.

I rang him and spoke to him and told him I was going to come around soon and he told me he felt totally fine and didn't think he was even that bad.

But then I had to move house and had no transport and allot of other problems so I had to put it off.

As soon as I had moved I rang to arrange a time to go around and my nanna told me that he had been taken to hospital with pneumonia.

I rang my dad and asked him if he could give me a lift the next time he went to hospital to visit, and my dad told me my grandfather should be out soon and it was better to wait till he was better again.

My grandfather died a few days later.

This made the whole thing feel very unresolved and also made me feel very guilty.

Even writing this has brought it all flooding back.

Its hard to watch anyone you love wither and age before you, then die. So I feel guilty I didn't visit more often.

And it was really bad luck in regard to his death; going from being totally fine to dead in a matter of days.

I really just wish I could have found the time to visit him one last time, so he didn't die thinking I didn't care about him, which was totally the opposite of how I truly felt.

If anyone wants to avoid that pain that I will never be able to resolve, then I suggest they don't leave it so long between visits. And make sure their grandparents feel they are loved.

Because once they are dead, it will never ever be something you can change.

And you will certainly find their death harder to cope with.

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"When I was a child I flew! Then as an adult- I watched others soar."
 32yrs • F •
gothic kitty is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
well my cusin dead at the age of 3 about 4 to 5 years ago but its cool i didnt really know her all that much but i miss babysitting her she always was a happy little girl with a smile on her face at all times

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"If you call me your bitch i might get on my knees and say plzzzzzzzzzzzzz with my hands put together as if i was praying and looking up at you with puppy dog eyes."
 31yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that MugenNoKarayami is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
depending on how close you are/were to a relative, will determine your coping process.

But the universal coping method I discovered, after my grandma passing away not too long ago, is that you should not be sad that they are gone, because if you truely believe that... then they are dead to you. They are not their physically, but if you continue to remember the memories you did have and can become satisfied with the time you did have with them, their existence can still linger to comfort you with out actually emotionally feeling attached anymore.

it's a very hard feeling to convey in words, but it's that feeling you get inside and you can tell where it's coming from. you feel as though it's alright that they're gone for now, because you'll be seeing them again.. something like that. basically it inspires hope to some degree.

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"I'm a human being, God Dammit!! My life has value!!!"
 33yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Attolia is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
My grandfather's gone, but where? I haven't felt sad or anything because I don't understand death. People talk about the afterlife and such, but no one has been there and back to confirm it or anything.

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"How can we be just in a world without mercy and merciful in a world without justice?"
 37yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Wyote is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Forcing yourself to not be sad is a terrible way to cope. You have to fully embrace each feeling (or lack thereof) in order to understand your relation to that person and yourself to a greater degree. Tricking yourself into feeling or not feeling a certain way is a sure way to end up delusional.

Death is simple. It is an end. It is the end. Of what is the question we must all ask ourselves. It's difficult to understand the "of what" for another person because we exist outside of them, separate from them. The closer you are to a person the more you understand about their ending. This is why it affects us more.

It is absurd to even ask where a person has gone after death. Quite frankly it seems insulting to the departed. The location of their remains may be known, but this is not truly them.They no longer exist in terms of "where." You can speculate who, what, how, where, when, why.... and it is all a waste because they no longer exist in those terms. Speculating whether they still "are" is a different matter, however.

Many people claim to have been "there and back" but their accounts are never taken seriously and are not considered reputable because they do not have physical proof. Which I understand.

I believe that it is our power to create which brings us closer to truth. As we evolve, so does our ability to create and through our creations we merge the non-physical and physical. Our minds are like conduits transferring energy from one to the other. Eventually we will create our own singular truth of existence and oneness and all that jazz, but right now we are still like infants in this area.

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"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. - Thomas Carlyle"
 33yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Jacker_Jones is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Isn't this part of the theme to the lion king? The circle of life. As much as you miss someone we all have to die sometime even though some of us may have been cut a little short. The important thing is you're still alive and nothing should get in the way of being alive even death.

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Dealing with death
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