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Sexually Extroverted!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK
- She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She has not BEEN AROUND
- She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
- She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU
- She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT
- She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS
- She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE
- She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

And, of course.....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He is not a BAD DANCER
- He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME
- He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING
- He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
- He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES
- He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.




SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK!

Best Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
time
management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you
learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken...."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

""Live life to the fullest!""

lol WOW!

"I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light"

"He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
- He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."
~My favorite by far, lol, he he he...

What about "He doesn't have a small one, he's 'lengthly challenged'..."

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

That's a good one wes. LOL

""Live life to the fullest!""

The Cookie Crumbles!

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly
pushed
aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip
cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There, spread out upon
newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of
heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy
man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the
table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie
near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made
the
pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly
bringing
him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his
hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula
she
had just used to smack his hand.

"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."



Totally Twisted Proverbs!

A 4th grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child
in
the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with
the rest. Here is what they came up with:

Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader

Strike while the bug is close.

It's always darkest before daylight savings time

Never underestimate the power of termites.

You can lead a horse to water but how?

Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

No news is impossible.

A miss is as good as a Mr.

You can't teach an old dog math.

If you lie down with dogs, you will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust me.

The pen is mightier than the pigs

An idle mind is the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's pollution.

Happy is the bride who gets all the presents.

A penny saved is not much.

Two is company, three's The Musketeers.

None are so blind as Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

You get out of something what you see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow
your
nose.

""Live life to the fullest!""

quote:

---

You can lead a horse to water but how?

---

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me. (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

"My Dogma ate my Karma"

I love those FF! My ultimate favs have to be:
#19
#28
#33
5 out of 5 stars

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

Hee hee.

"I'm here to live... OUT LOUD!"

A Redneck & His Mule Bessie!

Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"

Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessiemoaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

"After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And, how are YOU feeling?'"

""Live life to the fullest!""

Honey... Pumpkin... Sweetie...

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."



Just A Drunken Push Start...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

""Live life to the fullest!""

The Difference Between Boys & Girls!

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink
booties and I've got blue ones!"

""Live life to the fullest!""

These kids these days - they're just getting smarter and smarter.

"A fool says I know and a wise man says I wonder."

Pretty Fishy Pajamas!

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to
pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

""Live life to the fullest!""

Some Like It Hot!

What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.

+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).

+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.

+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 - Italian cars don't start.

+32 - Water freezes.

+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.

+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.

+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+ 5 - American cars don't start.

0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents
cease to exist

-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians
actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans
shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.

-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your
trip South.

-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay
Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

""Live life to the fullest!""