Clean fun...

Nice, that helped me out a lot. So at -80 hell freezes over?
GREAT!

Look out all women who have rejected me with the same hell freezes over line, HERE I COME!

"If the opposite of Pro is Con, then is the opposite of Progress, Congress?"

Grandpa's Wisdom

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
++++
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar
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Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
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When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
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Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
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On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
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A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
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The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
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Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
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Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 40th wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw, said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for somethin' that happened 40 years ago.

""Live life to the fullest!""

LMAO those were good...and I'm right there with ya Dug, lol/

Fuckin Cheese heads are pretty crazy I admit that!

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

Signs You Are Too Drunk!

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Pretzels

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

"I'm as jober as a sudge."

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

""Live life to the fullest!""

Don't Lie To You Mom!

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be
sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom."

Em

""Live life to the fullest!""

LMMFAO over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks!

Ten things that sound naughty but aren't-
Have a Naughty Thanksgiving

10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""

lmao ... i can picture myself laughing at the dinner table when someone says one of those phrases ... and they'll look at me like i'm the most immature 11-yearold in the world
atleast i'll be fun

"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care .... right ?"

A WOMAN'S (REAL) PRAYER:
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it! away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.


Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and
has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't
lie to you.
4. It is importan t that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


"ESTROGEN ISSUES" (10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than
Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One th! ing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get
some support soon, people will think we're nuts."


The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, " . . . everyone knows this stuff.
Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Em

""Live life to the fullest!""

The Winning Lotto Ticket!

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"



Two Bubbas Try Ice Fishin'

There were two bubbas from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing.

They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off for up there. The lakes were frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the the guy left.

In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Em

""Live life to the fullest!""