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Sarcastic Horoscopes

User Thread
 34yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Sarcastic Horoscopes

CAPRICORN
(December 22 -January 20)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined toward progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES
(February 20 - March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have a minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pieces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.

ARIES
(March 2 - April 20)
You are the pioneer and hold most of people in contempt. You are quick tempered and impatient and scornful of Advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS
(April 21 - May 21)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell.. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a Goddamn Communist.

GEMINI
(May 22 - June 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth shit.

LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
You consider yourself a born leader, Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting, Leo people are thriving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO
(August 24 - September 23)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA
(September 24 - October 23)
You are the artistic type, and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent, because most Libra women are whores. All Libras usually get venereal disease.

SCORPIO
(October 24 - November 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you because you are always getting fucked.


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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 28yrs • F •
jitterbug is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Why do you have to hate on Libras? Libra women are cool and we are not whores.

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""7,000 people dying of Aids in Africa is not a cause it's an emergency"-Bono"
 34yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I didn't write it, I just posted it here, he he he. My brother got all bent outta shape because "everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk"...damn that was funny!

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 34yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Crimson_Saint is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
" Libra women are cool and we are not whores."
They aren't mutually exclusive :

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"AIDS is God's way of sending Catholics to heaven."
 29yrs • F •
Lunasky is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I think this is so funny and I agree with Libra women being whores. But I think they would disagree because they tend to look at every relationship there in as a love relationship even when it's clearly just sex. In my opinion Libra women are boring and lake personality. But hey that's just my opinion.

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"And what"
 26yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Cynic-Al is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
i wonder why he'd get bent outta shape by being told everyone thinks hes a jerk. is mildly annoying, but still quite funny.

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"So Schrodinger's Cat is not only neither dead nor alive, but might also be sexually aroused by elbows and peanut butter?"
 25yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that MugenNoKarayami is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
hahha, I'm a gemini.

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"I'm a human being, God Dammit!! My life has value!!!"
 26yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Cynic-Al is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
you don't have any siblings do you?

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"So Schrodinger's Cat is not only neither dead nor alive, but might also be sexually aroused by elbows and peanut butter?"
 29yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Conway is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Very amuseing . not a 100% true. But I'd say atleast 80%. For me anyhow.

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""So this is where im supposed to wright something snazy and truthfull?"-impossible."
 26yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Cynic-Al is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
the question is which bits make up that 80%.

i'd say for me its about 20% true, im aquarius

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"So Schrodinger's Cat is not only neither dead nor alive, but might also be sexually aroused by elbows and peanut butter?"
 25yrs • F •
WingedWolf is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
i don't see why people are getting worked up about the libra one i'm a "libra woman" and i think it funny. but then i do have a sick sence of so maybe it's just me. STILL props to who posted this WICED FUNNY!! javascript:addtexttoform('thrdbody',''
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""All life is an experment." Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr."
 31yrs • M •
CCCP2 is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
wow... i have not yet had a horoscope read me so perfectly (i am a taurus)

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"Barn to kill, not to care - Metallica"
 31yrs • M •
CCCP2 is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
and btw, libra women ARE sluts... TRUST ME.... not like i am complaining or anything. it is just servey i have conducted myself (extracuriculum )

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"Barn to kill, not to care - Metallica"
 24yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that >Twitch< is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Being an Aries I know that that is true.

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">Hold on I have to save<"
 22yrs • M •
shades is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
that is kinda true with the signs me being a capricorn and my sister a aquarius

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Sarcastic Horoscopes
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