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why do i over think?

User Thread
 33yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that Theory is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
why do i over think?
Why do i over think???

When i meet someone Ive not seen for awhile or for the first time i start thinking about making a good impression, Being the best human i can be, How people perseive me.and controlling my mannerisms.
Its gotten so bad that when I'm trying to engage in conversation, i think about not over thinking.

Sometimes i drift of on another trail of thought, then i end up losing track of the conversation. Making me look ignorant and stupid. When i stumble on words it only makes my over thinking worse.

I want to just be myself but end up thinking about being myself.

Any thoughts on how i could train my mind to focus on the task in hand.

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"We breathe natures breath until we are tired and layed to rest..."
 63yrs • M
NGKnightfell is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Perhaps it would help if you were to keep in mind that the journey your own feet take you on is every bit as noteworthy and deserving of respect as the journeys that other people take. When you encounter folks that you had not seen in awhile, it is not so important that you fall all over yourself to make yourself appear to them as you had in the past, but in all the glory of the person that you are now. Let them be curious about all the changes in you, if there are any, and if they care enough about you, they will ask you to elaborate. At the very least, you are free to just smile at them, and behave as if it had been only yesterday since you last spoke.

If conversations overwhelm you, especially with people you are trying to reconnect with, try just listening to them speak. Ask them questions about what they had been up to, give them lots of time to elaborate on where their journeys had taken them. If they are the kinds of friends that are worthy of your own time and energy, they will eventually get around to asking you questions about yourself, and let you elaborate on those things you are most familiar with ... namely, your own journey. If they never give you a chance to speak at all, or if they give indication that they are impatient with your efforts to explain yourself, then they are not truly worthy of you.

If you find that your mind keeps wandering while others are talking, perhaps it is better that you don't even try to engage anyone in conversation until you can follow a complete thread from beginning to end. Speakers enjoy speaking when others are paying attention to what they are saying, and if our responses don't match what they had just been talking about, they are even less likely to be interested in what you might have to say when it is your turn to speak. That is the whole point of conversation ... that of give and take. If what they are talking about does not make sense, ask them to elaborate: most talkers enjoy being questioned now and then - it gives them a chance to refine their skills so they are less confusing the next time they speak.

That is how I did battle against my own shyness and tongue-tied-ness in regards to speaking to and being heard by others. Hope it helps ... 8-)

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"It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness."
 35yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that parallelist is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Are you thinking too much or is it simply you are thinking about the wrong things? If you try not to think you will not succeed: if I command you not to think about elephants, what do you immediately start to think about? Instead choose to think about something other than the thing you don’t want to think about. So if you don’t want to think about yourself, think about the person you are with.

There are times when trying hard makes it worse. You appear significantly more nervous if you worry about specifics of how you are acting. Most people don’t actually care about whether you are standing up straight of slouching, happy or sad, etc. They are consumed with their own problems and those things have nothing to do with whether they actually enjoy spending time with you. It’s only when you are really actively consciously self-conscious that people notice and then they probably just feel bad for you. Your confidence level doesn’t have very much to do with whether your friend is going to enjoy talking to you. (Although the same cannot be said for whether they will want to sleep with you.)

All that said you probably don’t want to feel that way. So what I do is a combination of two approaches:

First approach is to condition yourself not to care too much about anything and everything that doesn’t matter about a person. Stumbling over your words is a perfect example of this. It really doesn‘t matter if you stumble over your words. Only stupid, insensitive, or insecure people will criticize you for that. The things you have to say are much more important.

The second approach is to be honest and humble about the things you feel insecure about (presumably now only things that actually matter). Everybody covers up their insecurities and they are right to do so but only about 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time—and conversations with old friends definitely falls into that 20%—you need to be honest with people about where you think you are lacking. The second you share it and see the other people not too bothered about it, which is usually the case, the sense of it being shameful is lifted and you don’t feel so bad about it after all. If you spend all your time trying to hide the things you are ashamed of it really starts to bear down on you and it can feel like an enormous pressure. Furthermore sharing your problems means admitting that you have them which is the first step to overcoming them. It also makes you seem a lot more trustworthy and likable.

Or maybe you just need to meet more new people more often and get more practice/confidence from more exposure.

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why do i over think?
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