OK, I don't know where to start, this is about a woman being submissive but not in the terms weknow today, but, in the terms women were seen in the past.
It may seem I am talking as if I was in the 1800, but it is what happens to me now, and it has been why I was recomended by someone very close to me to get therapy
I am 25, but I have never had a relationship, I have had some "friends", but nothing hapened with them, because I was very distrustful of them because I thought they were making fun of me. It's a feeling I always have... they are mocking me, they make fun of women, specially in sexual intercourse.
I had never had sex, even when someone touched me I became a statue, I didn't like it so I just decided not to date anymore. I even thought wanting
a relatipnshpi was something dishonorable, something a good girl shouldn't do, so I always denied every feeling I had. I'm not lying, it's hard for me to write this because it may seem laughable, but that's what I think.
For my mom was normal a woman were almost like ab objetc to a man. She didn't tell me that word but she describe the relationships giving me that idea. So, in my mind it is always the idea that men have no feelings and that they can abandon you and do not care about your feelings, you are like an object.
I know I am 25 now and I should have forgotten those things but I couldn't, my mom alweways told me men choose, they know, they are right, they determine everything. Women obey. It sounds like an old movie, and I know this is not what it happens in real life, but all of this is in my mind, and I can't help thinking otherwise.
Even when women like to play the submissive role , it's not what it is in my mind, because they take agreemtns about what they can and can't do. And in my book, it doesn't matter what you feel because you are not being seen as a person, but as an object.
I remember some months ago when I was seeing someone, and suddenly I didn't say a word because: "what if Ihe gets angry because of me?" it will be my fault, so I shouldn't bother him. He asked me: why are you so serious now? Do yo uwant to go other place? And I was like: "no, it's fine", and then I didn't say anything because I was thinking that all the time. I rarely smile, I was always serious.
So, I don't think if I'm ever going to date again or if I'm going to stop being this afraid.