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Getting out of Control

User Thread
 33yrs • M •
humanityunbound is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Getting out of Control
I was a violent child. Thanks to alot of therapy and medication over the years, I managed to suppress my violent tendancies until I was no longer exhibiting violent tendancies. My non-violent behavior continued for 11 years until just a few months ago. A few months ago, I began to feel the violent thoughts creep into my mind again. I have been ignoring them while I try to figure out an appropiate way to deal with them, but I fear I am running out of time. Two days ago I dismembered a squirrel that I caught in a live trap. I had intended to release it in the woods near my home, but when I saw it I lost control and ripped it apart. I'm not even sorry that I did it. What is scaring me though is that I enjoyed doing it. I know the patterns, and this was just the first of many things that I did as a child that nearly ruined my life. I don't know how it got free, or what triggered these emotions, but there has to be a way to lock this horror away again, right? Or should I just give in to these thoughts and feelings?

To give you a bit of insight, I started setting fires and killing animals at 7 and had escalated to an attempt on my grandparents by the age of 9.

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 42yrs • M
Post Omega is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
You ripped it apart.

What's the tensile strength required for that to happen?

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 33yrs • M •
humanityunbound is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I have no idea. However, I do know that tearing a squirrel apart is fairly easy if you can tear the skin. And even THAT isn't all that hard. It is also quite... exciting.

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 30yrs • M •
nonames is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
What kinds of emotions do you feel when these thoughts start creeping back in? Is it just pure anger? Is there some guilt or sadness or self-hate in there? I think that if it isn't just pure anger than maybe you could release them by crying, I mean REALLY crying your eyes out. I recently did that after not having cried for the longest time and it felt like I drained all the emotions out. I now feel much more distant from my emotions than I did before. Most of what I was feeling was regret and guilt. Maybe this wouldn't apply to you, but I'm just throwing it out there because I hate it when people ignore posts I make so I'm usually thankful for people trying to help me even if they fail.

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 60yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that Hobbes Choice is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
You have two paths to follow.
Either maintain control of yourself, or not.
If you don't or cannot then you will have to face the consequences of you one day doing harm to another person, in which case you will deserve imprisonment or worse.
No one is going to help want to help you if that happens.
If you want a life of liberty then you have the responsibility to act like a decent person.
If you think you are going to loose the plot then you need to act in your own interests to maintain your liberty and use whatever meds or therapy you can get.
Do it now.

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 58yrs • M •
purple burtle is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Ok, so you admitted that you have a problem. That's a good first step. You also say that you fear that you are running out of time. It's probably a good thing that you are worried about your feelings or actions.
If you have had repressed emotions and anger for so long, it was only a matter of time before you felt something. Similar to post-traumatic stress syndrome.
You should contact your doctor or a doctor who treated you previously.
You can also find help anonymously if this is easier for you. Check on internet for anonymous helplines or call the Samaritans. But please do it before you hurt yourself or others.
Good luck.

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""I didn't get where I am today by thinking." - C.J."
 34yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that SomeKindaCyan is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I would get help from a professional. The symptoms you've mentioned sound like something is going haywire in your limbic center of your brain. Or you could be like me, I have borderline personality disorder and I go through fits of rage, though my actions are internal verses your external actions. It is very difficult to control the urge to just...I dunno punch a wall (lol) or smash a windshield...but it is taking control of that split second your mind decides to be irrational. If you can't control your impulses you owe it to yourself and your community to seek help.

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""Dying's easy; living's hard." -Wilson"
Getting out of Control
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