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Stepmother issue

User Thread
 30yrs • F •
greensoda is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Stepmother issue
I am wondering if I should confront my stepmother about something that's bothering me, or if I should just let it go.

My parents got divorced before my first birthday and my dad remarried soon after. So basically my stepmom has always been in my life.
Anyway, when I was about 5 years old she told me that I had a brother. I was an only child (other than my half-brother), so I asked my dad about it and he said that I would need to talk to my mom about that. I never did bring it up to my mom at the time but I always wondered if it was true or not.
When I was 17, I finally caved to my curiosity and mentioned it to my mom. She became very emotional and said it was true and she wanted to tell me eventually.
Apparently, my mom and dad had a baby when they were 17 and gave it up for adoption. They then had me about 9 years later after they got married.

So I'm unsure if I should question my stepmom about why she told me that. Obviously, it wasn't her place at all. I've talked with my mom and boyfriend about it and they think I should just let it go. I'm not really sure what I expect from talking to her about it. Maybe an apology, but what good would that really do after all this time?
Any thoughts?

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 37yrs • F •
Hi greensoda,

Firstly, I think that even though your Mom and bf think you should move on, it seems that if their idea was going to work, it probably would have worked by now.

If from the age of 5 to 17 you silenetly carried around confusion (and other emotions) as a result of the information your stepmom divulged, and now 6 years later you still feel anchored to what your stepmom did, or the situation in general, then there must be some reason why your mind will not let you forget.

How is your relationship with your stepmom? Have other situations occurred where her actions seem questionable to you? How about the relationship between your dad and your mom - is it an amicable relationship? Do you know if they both agreed that they would not tell you about the adoption?

And what are your feelings towards this unknown sibling - do you think about him? Do you want to meet him?

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"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
 30yrs • F •
greensoda is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
I've never been close to my stepmom. To me, she is just an unpleasant person to be around. However, this was probably the worst of her actions towards me.

I'm not sure if my mom and dad discussed if and when they would tell me about the adoption. I'm assuming they didn't since my dad told me to talk to my mom about it.

I would be interested in meeting my brother, but that ball is in his court. I have no way of finding him because the adoption agency will only allow him to acquire information.

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 38yrs • F •
ladylumia is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Greensoda dear, women can be awfully jealous creatures, even when it comes to daughters. It's possible your stepmother told you what she did to cause cause a rift between you and your dad. What possible reason could she have to tell a five year old a family secret? Care? I don't think so, if she cared about you and thought you should be told she would have expressed it to your parents.

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 37yrs • F •
@ladylumia - Interesting point. Realistic too.

@greensoda - I've been pondering on your situation and keep thinking about the idea that if you want to confront your stepmom, you should. Even if you don't know how it will go, or what you seek from confronting her, if you're in pain because you keep stopping yourself from talking to her, then the best thing you can do really is follow your own instincts.

If the thought of talking to her about this keep popping into your life and interferes with your happiness, then what's the worst thing that could happen from confronting this issue?

In my own life, there have been times when I felt like confronting a relative about something they had said/did that hurt me, and my parents did not think I should confront the person about it. At first I followed their suggestions, that I should just resort to avoiding the problematic person. But this did not work. I also learnt that the advice I was given by my parents, was based on their own desires - they were afraid that if I confronted the person, their own relationship with them would be strained. So their advice to me was biased and not based on a clean perspective.

Not confronting such people in my life only led to them taking advantage of me more.

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"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Stepmother issue
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