To Be Free

To be free of my of genetic memory. To be free of my programmed enemies. To let be my so called tragedies. To be me in spite of anything.

When I think of my mother being hit by my father, I know it has chained me. When I think of hiding vegetables under my plate, hoping my father didn't find them, believing that lying was the only way to approach him, because of the huge amounts of dis-honesty in my family, I know it has chained me. When the muscles in my chin clench, I breath through my nose and suddenly get the desire to harm something, I know I am chained. When I vie for approval through companionship, I know I am chained. When I lie down in disappointment and sadness, I know I am chained.

But

When I cry in the mornings, I know I am free. When I loosen my grip and think sensibly, I know I am free. When bland becomes empathy, I know I am free.

But

When real evil enters me, I become... vengeful. With a lack of ignorance, my eyes are open. And when I see those disgusting faces, I am at a loss. I am not a fan of my anger, but some times, god damn it, I love it.

Because

It empowers me. It clears me, as long as I put it where it belongs. On those worthless vermin. If I had a tumor, I'd name it Pamela. After my lover's mother. If I had a parasite, I'd name it William, after my father. If a fire burned my house down, I'd write a poem and title it Cynthia, after my mother. And if I lost my balls, I'd buy a dildo and name it Gary, after her father.

See

I wouldn't hate these people so fucking much, my forgiveness runs pretty deep, but they're STILL fucking me over.

So

When will I be free? When they are totally gone? Or when i have forgiven them anyway? They just won't stop attacking us...

When we have our wedding, instead of sending out invitations, I'm gonna send out letters that clearly and accurately express to them why none of them are welcome in our lives, until they sit down and have a little talk with me.

When I forgive them anyway. Anger will only bring resentment, and I can't change the cards I was dealt. Just play them properly and quit putting myself in a position to get fucked over.

the above writings represent a person who has become enlightend.... very near Bhudda-hood, as they say

bittersweet

rebelling against an oppressive force - you seemed to have owned yourself in the end... yet there is more to come....

as you said, they keep coming at you both...

you're already outclassing them by even entertaining the idea of reasoning with them and not excluding them from your new family...

of course that would be my main concern... I wouldn't want my new wife exposed to the worst of my own family... it's actually my duty to keep her insulated from all types of harm...

it's the role i choose to play anyways

I'm Jamaican, we never forgive or forget... trust me, we don't smile on trust either...

it's a good way to keep yourself out of the positions they seem to put you in, goad you into...

at the same time as sensitive as this is....
they don't know another way to get the results they want or they would choose the more effective methods...

so I'd not forgive them, ever, or you may inadvertently condone the behavior in your children with this air of forgiveness...

for bad behavior that doesn't seem like it will stop on its own

As a young man starting his family, I suggest you make every effort to insulate yourself and your new wife from them, and make all interaction with them contingent on your controls...

unfortunately

you gotta watch them, just so you don't end up so mad at them that you need to excommunicate them from their grandchildren and everything else family....

you however seem to own this very welll and are advanced of me in one definite respect

your willingness and ability to share this private and real issue is as brave as i've met anywhere, and I'm a Marine - lol

my family and upbrining placed experiences and strengths in me that I will never need again...

but then again that is what defines us.... we are SURVIVORS

hope this adds some direction or a good sounding board

paz