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A Love With Out Love

User Thread
 32yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that awakendwraith is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A Love With Out Love
I come here to love and share, but when the wheels of my chair slide closer... my mind freezes. I seek to find love, to be loved, to know love, and what prevents it. So when the mind freeze comes, I know it is because I am scared of not being loved.

The person I was years ago would never say these things in a place like this, where everyone who has ever known me knows I post here. The discomfort that their imagined disapproval floats around my head, causing more fear, more blocks to work through.

Not a problem though.

I come here to explore, and find explorations. I read almost every post, and almost every post I sit and think and feel on, and almost every post I have the desire to share myself. And every time that desire comes, so does a fear.

I understand the desire. I find something that I feel I can understand and feel the desire to share.

I go on alone.

I have my ideas and feelings, but no one receives them. Why does the worth of my self go down when my attempt at communicating them fails? Why do I tie myself down to vocabulary... Why can I not love myself and have that be enough? Why does the strong to have some one appreciate me constantly drive me towards the desire to give myself? If I deny that desire, I lie. If I go through with that desire, 95 percent of the time I am ignored, scolded, hated in some way.

Does the individual really NEED some one to love them in order to feel loved? Why does my self respect dwindle and fade to a pathetic acceptance of solitude? Is it even pathetic? Or inevitable?

I understand that I am not loved, but do not understand why that destroys me. Why am I not good enough for myself?

Is it natural for an adult to be alone? Can my brain function in a clear state, void of depression, if I am not loved? Is the love from another person required in order to be "happy?"

Why when I feel un-loved and alone do I seek to find it? Why don't I accept it? It must not be natural, or I wouldn't have such a strong urge to seek to improve it. Or, is a deep lie inside of me causing me to feel this? In which case, if it is, then I should be ok with being alone, and insecurity is causing my lack of self respect, not lack of love. Does lack of love cause insecurity? Even in full grown men? Or have a created a monster of need that is entirely inapplicable?

Or am I simply being a pussy, needing too much. Though, I can not see what I am given, other than lies.

I do not understand this.

Perhaps someone who has been with out love, and single can help. Perhaps someone who is not loved and not single can help.
Perhaps there is no help to be had, no misunderstandings here.
Perhaps I suffer justly, undeniably true.

Is it natural to desire love? Is it natural painful with out it? Or am I making something up?

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"Why cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."
 42yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that Ironwood is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Love is the basic building block of existance.

It could be the best term to define the energy that all potential and actualized matter is made of. It is source, or god, or whatever term you like for the source of existance.

And as you have noticed from your post the general feeling of lacking love is feeling like you aren't loved, worthy of love, or connected to anyone in a meaningful and loving way.

Which is actually the exact opposite of the truth.

Love is always available as we are always connected to source, and made of source, everything and everyone at all times.

But like you, most people are mired in all manner of social fears, stigmas, self loathing and nonsense that cloud and distort this reality.

And even if or when you come to loosen and even at times let go of fear, others will attack you and call you delusional and try to give you something to fear.

Because they cannot bear the thought of someone feeling love when they feel they do not. Jealousy and feelings of inferiority are powerful drivers to cause such spiteful and manipulative action, but it is quite common, try being married.

But suffice to say this is a very complex subject when you want to delve into irrelevant minutia.

So just know at the core is ever present unconditional love, and all you need to do is take a moment and let go of all fear to experience it, and it is euphoric, and it is not a delusion.

But to maintain an even loving and at times euphoric existance, you must work to break the cycles of fear and delusion, of lies, and all the various manners of barriers that have been built to deny humanity of the experience of an existance literally made of love that can never be taken away, only buried or distorted.

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"The Greatest Enemy of Knowledge is Not Ignorance, It is the ILLUSION of Knowledge. Stephen Hawking"
 32yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that awakendwraith is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I believe it is a lack of self love that causes it. My mind keeps doing that freeze thing, but I don't stop thinking all together I just change the tone in my head voice. See, I desperatly seek to find my true self. And this time in my life right now I am growing more than ever. Meaning theres alot of new information.

Decius, I do change when I am not loved because I do change once I get it. This shameful because

Ironwood, I should have the self respect to love myself when my partner does not love me. If I did I would be in love with life itself.

The love I am without, as well as my partners from time to time, we all must grow, is really my own.

Thanks for the input, it really helped. By the way, a change in my relationship did occur. I gained the self respect to not allow myself to be harmed for no reason other than admitting that there are many ways I go unloved, but that I should be strong enough to love myself and my life any way. Knowing and sharing this with my partner is just part of my growth, no shame, no fear. Her understanding this and accepting it is part of her growth, which, due to my loving nature, will hopefully lead her towards not only acceptance of her lack of honesty due to her issues, but genuine responsability as well. Understanding not to be less honest when loved, due to a fear of rejection has really heped keep me honest and happy these past two days.

I really enjoyed this thread a lot.

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"Why cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."
 31yrs • M •
XG41 is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
This is where I must question if genuine love requires reciprocation. If you have a true, altruistic desire for the happiness of another human being, why would it suddenly diminish when that human being demonstrates an unwillingness or incapacity to "return the favour"? I think if love can only function as a bidirectional transaction between two people, it is an indication that the motives of both members are, for the most part, egoistic. This is not to suggest a one sided relationship can function, but instead that genuine love is self propelled and bestows no expectations on the receiver of any kind.

If we find ourselves unable to relinquish fears of being exploited so as to set our love free, I think we must then consider the likelihood that said love is instead a mental adoration for the concept of being loved in return.

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 32yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that awakendwraith is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
What you say I hear as truth, with truth. Only it is not the fear that she can not express her love that I have. That, is an old one to me. This fear is more of a fear that she, currently, can not love herself.

Though I can show her that being absolutely honest, by doing things like acheving understands of true love, only then can true love be obtained, a fierce lie of oppression clouds her genuine ability to seek the truth, understand the truth, or feel the truth. In a sense that, she always fails BECAUSE she never tries because she is scared to, for many oppressing reasons.

And yes, a greater sense of self respect was required to know that I, yet again may have fallen in love with some who will never be happy. A heavy burden any self respecting, self loving individual could easily burden with the gift of their own love.

A gift I have had to learn to give myself.

Thanks for the input. I felt like in order to remain understood I had to further my own understanding.

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"Why cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."
A Love With Out Love
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