30yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that TheFreshKeeper is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
When I get upset about something, no matter what it is, I get upset about everything. It's like every negative thought is a snowball rolling down a mountain. If I'm upset about losing a Starcraft game and I linger on it too long I'll start thinking that I'll never be good at anything, that I'm wasting my life. Then I think that's horrible to think like that, and I must be a horrible person, so unable to deal with anything. Then I'll combine both and think that a horrible person will never be any good at anything, and so on.
Sometimes it feels somewhat conscious, for example when I am upset about something really upsetting, I will think about other things that upset me, so it feels like I can get all the sadness out without really having to face the issue. But mostly it is involuntary, I just have no control of my thoughts. I feel I have been conditioned by my life to have certain negative responses to certain things. For example, "I don't feel like it tonight"- I think, "Well there must be something wrong with me, I must have done something wrong, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm horrible, what have I done wrong". The frustrating thing is I can recognise a lot of these responses, but I haven't been able to progress past them- I'll still think them instantaneously, and emotionally, they will be total and absolute. Even if I know it logically, I am still unable to see it as unreal, because it is overwhelming and all-encompassing.
I am clinically diagnosed with Depression, being a high-functioning austistic, and (lol) Asperger's Syndrome. I have tried many different anti-deppressants in various doses to no effect, so I do not think it is a chemical thing. But I do feel like depression is my natural state, or rather, my default state. When I'm depressed it's the only way I've ever been, or will be. A little voice that sounds like me says stuff like "Welcome back," "This is how you truly are," "Look how long happiness lasted you that time, huh?", stuff like that.
A lot of the time, I have two states of emotion. First, I'll be depressed, and cry and rage and all that. Then, I'll just be nothing, neutral, dead inside.
I feel like the solution is self love- to be able to love myself enough not to assume that I'm horrible, to know that it is not my fault, to be okay with how things are. It feels so far away, so unattainable. I work towards it every day, but I have these horrible thoughts- thoughts like, "I am a broken person who will never be happy." I have strived and strived and gotten through so much in my life but I still feel like my depression is insurmountable, that it is an integral part of who I am, and that it drives people away from me.
Sometimes I am reminded of this boy I knew in high school. He used to eat things for money, or jump off things, and often he really hurt himself, whie the rest of us just laughed. He was so utterly deplorable because he was trying to hard to win our friendship, to be liked by us. I feel like that sometimes. I feel like I try so hard to be liked, and to be loved, that it drives away the people that do, because I do not hold that love for myself.
I feel like I do not know what to do. I feel like I need help. I feel like I want someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. For someone to love me for who I am, as a broken person, so they can help me become a better person. I feel like that is a negative way to think, but sometimes I cannot help but yearn for that. I feel it has a lot to do with my parents and my relationship with them, I feel like I yearn for the love they should have provided but never did.
Not to go too deep into my personal history straight off the bat, but basically my mum and dad are horrible, abusive people. My dad was never around when I was younger, and they eventually divorced and he flew to the other side of the country. I always felt okay with that, as a child, because I was more drawn towards my mother anyway.
But my mother changed. The second I got my own opinion and stopped needing her she started resenting me. She would delight in telling me things like "If I hadn't had you I would be so happy" and then things like "You used to love me so much when you were younger". She would say a lot of negative things in a positive way, and still does to this day.
When I was eighteen I started writing a book. I still consider it to be a work in progress, though I haven't worked on it in a long time. I like to think that that person isn't me anymore, that horribly bitter, angry, sad, nihilistic teenager isn't who I am anymore, but I am not so sure. I can still read through everything and relate to a lot of it. But anyway I reread it again recently and there is a line in there which I feel I have tattooed across my forehead:
"I GUESS WHAT I NEED IS SOME GODDAMN HELP BUT WHO COULD POSSIBLY HELP ME"
Anyway, I didn't really have anything specifically to say in this thread. Just wanted to talk about how I feel and explore it as much as possible, with people or on my own.