Establishment within another

For about two years I intentionally deprived myself of significant company of another, because I reasoned it would better allow myself to understand the workings of my mind. I have recently found someone who despite my philosophical reasoning for not committing to someone has peaked my curiosity and interest, and I know will benefit me more than continuing to abstain from relationships.

However, I have found a constant from prior relationships beginning to reemerge. Whenever entering a new relationship with a significant other I find myself questioning who I am more so than usual. I believe I do this in order to establish a reference point in case the relationship comes to a close. The questioning is negative (not in form but in implication) because it is a form of fear and a childish form based in my most subconscious and persistent fear, which is my inability to console my own pain.

I have continually overcame this fear and have no doubt with enough effort this habit will die too. My reason for posting this tread is I believe there is a valid basis for this fear as preserving oneself in any situation is the most logical way to hold on to one's own strengths.

The questions I hope to hear peoples thoughts on are, where does the line lay for you? What is too much? When have you given up part of you? The core of these questions is what defines you truly, but I do not hope to answer it with this tread, just beat around the bush.

Correct me if I am wrong, are you asking about fear to make stronger relationship with your partner?

A relationship at it's core is simply a contract that tentatively states "you help me when I need you and I will help you when you need me". A good partner will act only as a catalyst in progression of the mind and one's goals. However, as a relationship progresses it is natural (for myself at least) to start to view our goals as similar and to get used to this accelerated form of learning, so often in relationships I set a reference point which I can come back to at the end it, allowing me to be self-sufficient again in a very short period of time. I made this thread to hear peoples thoughts on how they cope with this dilemma, you are the first to reply, so my guess is this isn't a issue for most people.

And yes, fear of loosing myself, not fear of my partner, their beliefs or what they could do to me.

Zach,

When I have a little more time I will formulate a response. I believe there is great merit and learning opportunities for all in breaking down the complexities of the self.

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I believe I do this in order to establish a reference point in case the relationship comes to a close.

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So instead of viewing the relationship as a beneficial learning experience, you wish to return to the person you "used to be" before entering it? Am I hitting close to the nail, Zach?

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So instead of viewing the relationship as a beneficial learning experience, you wish to return to the person you "used to be" before entering it?

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I did not state that I did not learn or even that I returned to who I was, I said I used it as a "reference point" for reestablishing my identity to me (not to anyone else) and how that allowed to me to establish total independence from someone/anyone quickly thus allowing me to progress again.

You construed my thoughts and at the sight of the word fear assumed I had a problem, I do not. I truly believe in a couple of things that will never leave me, the concern I express is properly labeling these things so when I am at a point of emotional distress I can find them and see what shape they have taken allowing me to get on with my life in a constructive manner(in reference to ideal productivity at the time).