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Is there solace in being alone?

User Thread
 32yrs • M •
Reoh is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Is there solace in being alone?
I just recently ended things with a girlfriend of 5 years. I have my reason of course but that's not what I need help with.

What I need help with is now I feel completely and utterly alone. I feel like I have no friends, no hobbies, nothing. When we were together we were always around each other. Now I sit in my room and wonder if I will ever be content with life again.

How can I find comfort in my loneliness? People tell me to find a hobby or make some new friends. I have tried hobbies but can't seem to find enjoyment in anything. As for friends, I don't even know how to start to look for new ones.

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"I have always feared the unknown, Now I dont know myself."
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that pupa ria is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I think that this loneliness will be a nice experience if you find a way to live it. Being alone is the hardest thing, you gotta learn to be it. Face your silence and nakedness for a while, cause when you do you will really start listening to what you want. Hobbies will come along...just find something that makes you feel good and something you enjoy. It will be better if it's something expressive such as art r music or just craftworking. You will become your best company.

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"I'm the mirror that will make you invisible"
 27yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that ParallelShabba is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Sometimes loneliness can be good after you've been together for so long its like a breathe of fresh air, well sometimes anyway.

It takes time to get used to it after its been what? 5 years with you two and it'll take time to adjust to it it'll be new and daunting.
I can't be much help with the finding friends part because I find it incredibly hard to but the other stuff like hobbies I find writing either short stories, poems, songs good things to pass time and get alot of emotions out. Even your family might be good right now they might be up for doing something fun. Music aswell that can take your mind off things, also look around some social clubs and stuff like that to see if there any clubs or events that you could get in on to give you something to do and you'd also be mixing with other people and it could be good for you

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"If you try to fix violence with violence you do nothing but create violence"
 32yrs • M •
Reoh is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Thank you both so much.

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"I have always feared the unknown, Now I dont know myself."
 27yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that ParallelShabba is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Anytime dude

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"If you try to fix violence with violence you do nothing but create violence"
 38yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Chained Wings is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I can relate to this since I was in a five year relationship (but its a little little more complicated than that.) and when it ended I too found myself very alone and lost. Since the events are recent I still find myself in this situation. Infact Im probably the most alone Ive ever been in my life atm.

But since you are young, its easy to find new ppl and new friends. Trust me, it gets harder to socialize as you get older. Because most everyone settles down and friendships are abandoned for relationships by the time you hit your thirties.

I don't think your problem is loneliness in itself. Loneliness is more the by product of your actions which led you to where you are now. Its more about you conditioning yourself to a certain lifestyle for so long- and when the things that conditioned you to it have gone, you are suddenly unable to change your conditioning or way of life to go back to how you were before this. Half a decade is a long time to live a certain way.

I found when I first fell in love I promised I would stay close to all my friends, since many ppl I knew tended to cut themselves off when they got into serous relationships. But that's easier said than done. The person you're with grows in your life so much that they can overwhelm and take over all your thoughts and your time... to the point where you loose contact with everyone and everything around you.

And because you're so focused on this person and this relationship, and are happy with what you're doing, you don't notice how your life gradually changes.

But when it ends, you've lost the very thing which made you into who you are today. So its totally understandable that you find it hard to get back into socializing. You're five years out of practice. All the ppl you knew half a decade ago have moved on with their lives, and the things that you were into at 16 are no longer applicable to you.

You also have lost the comfort zone that the relationship gives you. Sharing you're problems and fears with another and having someone you love an trust to back you up in life. Having a long term relationship becomes a habit and a routine that will eventually feel very comfortable. (even if the relationship itself is not healthy, people often still opt to stay with it since it is all they know and are afraid to lose the comfort gained from routine.)

What you need to do is realize all these things and try to put it into perspective. Look at who you are now and what you like and don't like. Decide where you want to be in a years time and what is important to your happiness. Then look at where you can find these things and how to achieve them.

It will be hard to train yourself to get back into social circles that you've been out of for years. And it will be hard to pick up your social life after a five year break- its almost as if you were asleep for all that time.

But I'm sure it will come to you if you're determined. Just don't rush it and don't force it. If you do, you will feel you are a failure if you have any setbacks, and it will make you more inclined to give up. Its a little like exercising after an injury. Take it slow.

And don't expect to be back to the way you were in a few months, since it took five years to be where you are now. Do stuff that you feel comfortable with and let it come naturally. You have the advantage of being young so you can easily make new friends.

Of course, this is based allot on my own experiences, so you may not find all of what I say applies to you. But from my observations of mine and others relationships, I'm sure that this is common for many people.

Good luck.

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"When I was a child I flew! Then as an adult- I watched others soar."
 32yrs • M •
Reoh is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Thank you Chained Wing, you seem like a great person and I hope you have many happy, healthy years to come. Good people deserve good things. Everyone who replied to this post really helped me a lot in my struggle. I hope you all have a bright future ahead and again I thank you for everything.

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"I have always feared the unknown, Now I dont know myself."
 31yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that fireangel is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Chained that was put beautifully! I can't say that I've ever been in a 5 year relationship but I managed two relationships that snagged up all my time over the course of two years, and I must say that was hard enough.

As far as what you can do, I'll tell you what I tell all my friends... You need to find yourself. Everything chainedwings has said is top notch advice, but in addition to getting back into old social circles, and finding new friends, you need to realize for yourself who you are again.

After just a year long relationship I realized I had changed so much! Along with getting back in with all my friends I had to take some time for myself, to explore my interests, my likes and dislikes, my opinions, and just discover what it meant to just be me, or rather to be just me.

You learn after so long to become not only you, but you and your partner. You become so entangled and intertwined that its hard to tell what it is that's you, and what it is that became part of you because of her. I'm not saying to get rid of every part of you that is her, but in my own experience there were things about myself that i developed in the relationship that I didn't necessarily agree with, and that weren't me.

So take some time for yourself, to discover and to get back in touch with who YOU are. Progress will come with time. Just take it easy, and take it slow.

fireangel

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Is there solace in being alone?
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