Sorry, I got a little off topic in the above post - I'll try to stay as focused as possible from now on.
which would you say you may fear more, deep down, becoming your dad, or not being able to?
I could easily become him if I wanted to. I'm definitely smarter than him. To become him though I would have to put on an act. I don't think I could naturally become him.
As a very basic level, do you feel sexually attracted to your step-mom, or would you be satisfied at all if she took you in sexually?
Sexuality in general is a very confusing area for me. I could count my sexual encounters on one hand and they were all kind of weird. Only one of them was free of stress for the most part and it was when I was pretty young. I won't go into details about it here though.
It feels like such a fine line for me between which I'm attracted to more, male or female. You'd think it would be obvious. This has caused me a lot of stress throughout my life.
I think I have body-image issues. I have always been very skinny throughout my life. I was like the skinniest of the skinny kids. I was kind of teased about it but I was the class clown throughout school so I didn't get it so bad. But people would always be surprised at how skinny my wrists were - they're still very skinny. On top of it all I have a prominent adam's apple.
I've tried working out numerous times throughout my life but was never able to keep any weight on.
I don't want pity for any of this. I've heard it all about my body and have become pretty thick-skinned about it. I'm only sharing this for any possible insight.
Thinking about it, these are my biggest fears with sexual encounters:
1. Not being able to get it up.
2. Not being able to satisfy my partner.
I guess I feel inadequate when it comes to sex.
Despite disliking your dad, do you tend to want him to notice your deeds and/or skills and respect you?
Yes, I want him to respect me. I actually had an argument with my step-mom a couple months ago about just that. I said I wanted to be treated as their equal (her and my dad). She said that I wasn't their equal.
I believe you can't have a healthy relationship unless both parties regard each other as their equal or at least give them equal respect.
They both have such a bad image of me and paint a terrible picture to my little brother and sister. I know they do this because my siblings repeat things they've been told that they wouldn't come up with on their own.
I'm a loser and a weirdo to them. They wouldn't dare have me over when their friends are over. I think they care a lot about what their friends think.
A couple of months ago I was a bit confrontational with them because I really felt that there was some underlying issue that wasn't resolved between us. Maybe I didn't go about it the right way, I don't know. Instead of getting to the root and fixing whatever's wrong, I've been shunned and cursed.
I can't talk to them about anything remotely deep because it just leads to them getting angry and yelling - but I don't return it. Sometimes I laugh because it gets so ridiculous and I know I shouldn't because that only serves infuriate them more. Our conversations are limited to the mundane things in life by their own mandate.
I'm in a tough situation right now because I want to spend time with my little brother and sister but I can't go over there because I'm a weirdo. Just the other day my dad suggested to my mom (a very chance occurrence that would normally never happen - my mom and dad talking) that she should have me see a psychiatrist. That's just like him too, to have my mom pay for all the important things while he gives us fancy dinners and vacations. If he cared wouldn't he offer to send me to a psychiatrist? Oh and he just had a big brand new work shed built in his yard. My mom hasn't treated herself in years and the roof of the house is starting to give.
I still have anger towards him and I'm not sure exactly what to do with it. I've heard I should let it surface and feel the emotion but I'm not sure if I'm doing it or not. I'd still like to have a relationship with him and have him respect me but it seems like I have to wait for him to change for that to happen.
I don't know. I'm open to suggestions.