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 34yrs • F •  timber is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.  |
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To have something to lose |
If I could tell you anything right now, at this moment, I would say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the shadows that chase our memories in circles to the point that they lose all direction. I'm sorry for the storm that is constantly churning inside me, unwillingly being fed by tears. I could never kiss you again, my heart might just burst. I could never love you again, or my mind would be lost. But they are already in distress, ours was a life taken quite untimely. The day you walked out my door was not what life had intended. Wrong turns, deep burns. I can still feel it. Or at least I can feel the absence. Can you? This isn't intended to make you be with me again, because I know that is what we both want, but things don't work that way. Just because you can be with someone, does not mean you should. We had our time, time has had enough. Drive on, don't crash. I don't think my life was made to be loved, you were an unexpected surprise. But I have to go on the way I started. I was born on my own, and I will die on my own. I may have moments with other people, but they will never be more than just moments. You were more than a moment. You were every moment, and the spaces in between. You were my smile at the end of every day, and my laughter on Sunday mornings. We were stuck in a place where nothing else could reach. If death had tried to interfere, he would have realized what we were, and passed right by because everyone knows there are very few things worth living for. Even death would have understood. Nothing could reach us. But you went too far away. You cant stay higher than everyone else without someone holding you up. What did you expect? I know I've said all this to you before, but every day it is seeping out of me. I cant control it. I miss it. Now I know what people felt when they remember playing outside with friends when they were little. The sense of loss, because you can never have your youth back. I know how that feels now, to have something to lose. To have something lost. To just have something. I'm not as broken as I was, because you make me stronger every day. The thought of your voice helps my roots grow deeper, and I stand a little taller when I think of you. When I am lost, I wonder what your directions would be. When I cry, I think of your humor. When im happy, I think of us driving. The greatest moment on this earth was sitting in your car, winding down roads.
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"You may kick my ass, but you won't forget the fight."
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