what we want

what we want [+ favourites]

I have this delimma so to speak. My last gf (mikayla) was a nice girl. Bible thumper who by permission alone I couldn't regularly see. She is the complete opposite almost of what I want. The only things that interested me in her is that she is very open and a little crazy like me. I could talk to her about anything and she would be open to talk about it too. (NOTE: this is very imporant to me.) Not nutts but out there when it comes to how we deal with people and each other.

However, some stuff happend and it was getting hard on the both of us, she wanted to break up, was messing around with some guy and shit so I got pissed and broke it off.

Same night I went out with an old gf (Nydia) who I'd had being hanging out with again. We went with one of our friends and hung out down town as we had several times that month. Shes the type of girl that make me feel nervous. Actually the only girl that makes me self conscience so to speak. She is smart attractive and she makes me feel comfortable. But at the same time I feel like I have to try to impress her, as I do not with any one else.

Her plans for the future are to go to the army and do stuff there, become a masseuse, take over the world, and have kids by 25. Great plan right?

So we went out with our friend, had fun, end of the night dropped him off and went to take her home. We still had time before either of us had to be in so we stopped right close to her house and kicked the seats of my car back and chatted for a while. A little flirting and fun and we ended up making out.

So since then about 3 weeks ago we started seeing each other. I'd come over to her house and we'd hang out. We might go out more & stuff if we didn't have to work but whatever.

We were hanging out sunday over at her house, her still in bed sleeping and I was just laying beside her enjoying being with her. After a while she got up, we talked and laugh, then we got in the mood and made love, first time for me. If you ask either of us we do love each other. But as always love is to each his own. & it wasn't one of those hot passionate can't live without you baby type of things. We consciously decided to do it. Though fully satisfying, relaxing, and overall nice... it wans't special so to speak. It fealt just like we where hanging out but doing something else. Well not quite but almost. I think back on it and cherrish the moment, I really do. But the same fire works that go off when I'm around her still went off even then. I felt no more emotionally close to her than before. We did cuddle which was nice though ^_^.

So now it's been a few days... and I'm thinking about what we should do and all. I was asking her if what we were doing was good bad or indifferent. She didn't really know. So I asked if she had an interest in being with me. I got a yeah out of that. She has only lately been more open with me (which is why I got interested in her again) and I feel it's simply she doesn't quite know yet how she feels, being female and all.

So comeing to the topic of the area at hand, I'm looking for a wife so to speak. I want very few thigns out of life. I want a loving wife, whom I wish to have children with, and raise those children.
If all goes well I will get grandchildren and know that I raised our children to be capable of continueing the circle of life. INSERT DISNEY MUSIC HERE.

My concerns with this situation I'm in is that I don't want what we did to mean nothing. I am ok with being around and loving each other knowing one day we will have to seperate. But if we do this even if we have to seperate I want it to be with the desire to stay together.

comments?

"Dark and silent and complete."

memories

"Wht cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."

If you have sex with a girl that doesn't mean you have to marry her. If it's not right it's not right. Sometimes things aren't meant to be. But, if there's no intention to marry then you're just getting a nut off. There's no real way to justify it, which, possibly you have trouble with. I think maybe you're just still attached to the previous girl

"I love to see people struggling for their purpose in life..."

Hmm.. I think that maybe you rushed into that but thats just me.
For me, both of us had to be 100% sure of "us" before we did anything.
When you "know" beyond any doubt that they love you and you love them then the closeness you speak of is so powerful that you are in aw.
Holding and crying because we are happy.
Crazy stuff. Talk to her and make sure she knows what you want and how you feel.
Thats all for me.

"Anything is Possible when you think illogically."

I'm not trying to justify the sex. That I feel comfortable with. However, I get insecure I suppose sometimes and I believe that is due to my age. Sometimes all I want is to be desired by some one I care for and for Nydia and I to have sex and her not want to be with me for what time we have then I would feel neglected and sort of betrayed.

"Dark and silent and complete."

try not to be so proud. dont forget... we are all pathetic.

"Wht cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."

And why shouldn't I be proud. You and I both know where such moral guidelines lead.

"Dark and silent and complete."

tyler durden was wrong.
at least im starting to think so.
we can have humility while we are still capable of having something else to hold onto. i hope.

"Wht cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."

Stop acting like you have a clue how any one else should act and focus on yourself. What works for you won't work for every one else. And yes tyler was wrong. But tell me, who in all of history was right?

"Dark and silent and complete."

lolol

do what you want... hope for the best.
and if all else fails, pissing in the wind always gievs you a little chuckle

"Wht cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."

i know how you feel, (ancient that is) (i think im closer to understanding women than awakened). ive got a gf ive been going out with for about 2 yrs. we get on really well, very similar personalities, and similar goals in life. personally id be happy to marry her. we have talked about the idea, though only insofar as her friends started planning our wedding because they say we act like a married couple. but is there anything wrong with being happy and settled in a relationship at our age? i dont really think so, i cna understand peoples views of not having known any other realtionship., and possibly being tempted to cheat because you feel you have missed soemthing, but i dont see it being that big a temptation. or no more than it would be no matter how many people you went out with. you will still find girls attractive, and as my friend put it window shop. but like he said, window shoppings okay as long as you dont make a purchase. but see how you feel in the realtionship, if you like it stick with it.

"I tried coding in cocoa but it ran between the keys and shorted my pc"

personally i do not really know what its like to be tempted.
because i have never felt that anything i had ever done was wrong. so any time i wanted to do something i would just do it, or at least try to, and be ok with the coseqeunces. because i would much rather have a scar than regret.

and cynic, i think i understand people very well. including women. its just that some times, most times, i look to far into things. no. its just that i see thigs others dont. i may be making those thigs up, but i still see them.

"Wht cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."