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Joke of the Day....version 2

User Thread
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Restless Mind is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Joke of the Day....version 2
Everyone feel free to post a joke you know or have found here. I am sure pretty much any jokes go as long as they are to Racist or something. Of coures ALL sexist jokes are welcome.


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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner
put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the
proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this
time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the
same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2
this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but
no free sex this time.

"As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No
it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged - my wife won twice last week!"

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 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Restless Mind is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A penguin takes his car into the shop. The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream shop to kill some time and get an ice cream (penguins love ice cream). Unfortunately, because he's got no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. About an hour later he goes back to the mechanic, who says "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies, "No, that's just a little ice cream."

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 31yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Cynic-Al is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A mother in law goes to visit her son. when she gets there, she goes in, and finds his wife lying naked on the couch with a bottle of champagne to hand, and romantic music playing. the mother in law says "what are you doing?", the wife replies, " this is my love dress, when my husband sees me in it, he cant get enough of me and ravishes me for hours."

the next day the mother in law decides to try the idea out for herself, so she lays on the sofa naked, and plays romantic music. when her husband gets home and sees her, he asks "what are you doing?" she replies this is my love dress. the husband looks at her, then says "looks like it needs a bit of an iron, is me tea ready yet?"

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"So Schrodinger's Cat is not only neither dead nor alive, but might also be sexually aroused by elbows and peanut butter?"
 36yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that heyjme1 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.


Caption: 'Sister Mary has just discovered Fellatio is not a place in Italy'

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""No words""
 41yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Restless Mind is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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 30yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that St. Jimmy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend
assignment was to sell something,
then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach
was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of
the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Nacho stand, and I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

They all said the same thing.
"Hey, this tastes like Dirt!" Then I would say, " It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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"He who does not question is lost."
 33yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that summit is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.

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"The summit is just a halfway point"
 36yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that ultima is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
omg.. u guys made me wet my pants.. and now i need depends.... grrr...

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

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"take chances, make mistakes, and get messy"
 33yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that summit is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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"The summit is just a halfway point"
 36yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that ultima is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
A guy walks into the psychologist's office wearing only shorts made from Saran wrap. The psychologist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

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"take chances, make mistakes, and get messy"
 31yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that takemeseriously is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A. A quarter-pounder with cheese.

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"If home is where the heart is, then I got evicted this week (Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains)"
 31yrs • M
A CTL of 1 means that awakendwraith is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
lol. good one

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"Why cry for those that often cry? Instead, help them smile, and smile for those that smile."
 33yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that summit is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Conversation between Condolezza Rice and George Bush...

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.

Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

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"The summit is just a halfway point"
 33yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that summit is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"


MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

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"The summit is just a halfway point"
Joke of the Day....version 2
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