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my poem

User Thread
 33yrs • M •
goodgolie is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
my poem
Death
What a funny subject,
I have messed up so many times
and tripped down the stairs so many times.
What is worse is that my head isn't cracked open.
Its my heart,
And it wont die.

Love,
What a sad subject,
I have broken bones to spare
And bruises enough to share
What is worse is that it doesn't shatter.
It just bleeds
And it wont kill.


this is my first poem and I would like some feedback

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 30yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that syrcadalena is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I really like it. Is it really your first poem? It's simple, but relatively powerful. It's short and to the point; it's concise (sp?), and that adds to its strength. I enjoyed it.

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"For each time mankind progresses, man himself regresses."
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that past embrace is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
in the first part you used the same phrase twice. - so many times- you shouldn't do that. And why death and love? ( very cliche )

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"i just want to have some little fun"
 30yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that syrcadalena is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Repeating 'so many times' helps to emphasize the phrase. If it was only once, it wouldn't be as clear to the reader how key a point it was. Or something. *shrug*

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"For each time mankind progresses, man himself regresses."
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that past embrace is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
no it doesnt. especially the way it was 2 sentences right after another. i know what im talking about.

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"i just want to have some little fun"
 30yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that syrcadalena is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I also know (somewhat) what I'm talking about. I've been writing poetry for lots of years, and most people who have seen it agree that it's more than decent.

This poem here might not be the best in the world, but I think it's fine, especially for a first attempt.

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"For each time mankind progresses, man himself regresses."
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that past embrace is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
learn that people older than you usually know more than a 15 year old. you thinkyou know everything at that age!

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"i just want to have some little fun"
 30yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that syrcadalena is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I never claimed to know anything, although as I could never imagine telling anyone at any point in my life 'you think you know everything at that age', in some respects I appear to be more mature than you. But I didn't realise this was some sort of contest until you began getting defencive. *shrug* But I suppose you know best.

When I say that I know what I'm talking about in terms of poetry, it has nothing to do with age. Some types of knowledge come with experience. I've been writing poems since I first learned to write (and probably before), and during my life I've spent time analalyzing poetry - both my own and that of others. I've looked at things, I've read things, I've fitted things together, and I've figured out what I like the sound of, and what catches my eye in a poem.

A good deal of this is opinion. I personally enjoyed this poem. I pointed out some of the things that I feel make this poem good. That's just how I feel about them. I also didn't say it was the best poem I'd ever read, and it isn't up to professional standards. But for a first poem, I think it's decent. I'm not claiming to be a professor of English or anything, but I do know what I like and dislike in a poem. And I liked this poem.

I never said you had to like it. I never said you had to think it was good. I never claimed that my opinion about this poem was some kind of fact. You're the one picking fights. You don't have to like a poem, but just because I do doesn't make me unintelligent.

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"For each time mankind progresses, man himself regresses."
 37yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that past embrace is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
well you are unintelligent if you think i called you that

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"i just want to have some little fun"
 30yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that syrcadalena is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
There's a difference between 'a little negative feedback' and telling someone that his first poem is crap. I think if I hadn't received good feedback on my first poem or two, I might not have continued writing. I'm very sensitive to criticism. I'm sure plenty of great writers are as well.

By the way, there's a difference between saying 'I don't like your poem' or 'I think it might sound better if you edit line whatever' and telling someone that their poem is stupid. In my humble opinion, there's no such thing as a stupid poem, with the possible exception of one written for the sole purpose of being stupid. A poem is a reflection of feelings, ideas, thoughts, whatever, and those things aren't stupid. There's also no such thing as a perfect poem. And just because someone isn't well known for his poems doesn't mean he'll never be. There's a thing called potential, and to reach your full potential you've got to practice. That's difficult if there's people saying you should stop writing, that it's pointless, and that you'll never be great.

Do you write poetry? If you do, you should know that sometimes it's harder than a lot of people realise it is.

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"For each time mankind progresses, man himself regresses."
 32yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that WanderingNobody is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
i liked the poem especially how you ended each part.

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"Crap. I lost my watch, now I'm lost in time."
 37yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that heyjme1 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
quote:
Death and it won't die

quote:
Love and it won't kill


You've stumbled across a great discovery here of paradox on the surface but that reveals itself, ultimately, in the nature of nature.

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""No words""
my poem
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