ADVICE SEEKER ON LOVE LIFE

hey guys,

im new to this site and in some need of some urgent advice, you guys sound like you've all had some experince. I've been with a guy for a year and a half, from day one he always told me he loved me, wanted to spend everyday with me and i never realised how much he really loved me. Everyday he would send me msg tellin me i was his world and all the that bullshit. couple months ago we broke up huge fight that started i dont no how, he said skool would be too hard for me to juggle work and him, naturally i took it the wrong way and ran out never wanting to see him, but deep down just wanting him to say stay. never the less heaps of bullshit came out that he wanted more freedom and i get too jealous thats why it really happened. i still cant think bout that night without crying forever. but i begged him to come back to me, he said yer then nar and maybe, said he didnt wanna get hurt again...bullshit. but he said yer and i thought great all back to normal...but firstly he treated me like shit was rude to me saw me only when u wanted all that shit. finally things have got better, not the same but better but i still cant get back that secure feeling. dont think im weak coz i get insecure its just i love this guy, hes my life. but i guess what im asking is, is there anyway to get that secure feeling back before it destroys us...

Not if you can't trust and be honest when it counts most.

how do you mean?

How well do you trust eachother.

I hear signs of dependancy, I wonder, if he said you were jealous, I figure its either because you are, or he is cheating or wanting to stray.

When people accuse someone of behaving a certain way for any given reason, its either because they are, or the accuser is actually doing it.

Projection is the psycological term I believe.

And if you are jealous, you may be dependant to and unhealthy degree, or you don't trust him, and possible with or without good reason.

You brought up a case and only spoke of his reasons or accusations for any turbulance in the relationship, did you yourself have no qualms or problems with him? I've seldom seen a one sided story.

you no i give you credit you a fairly cluded in person. yer i think i am the jealous one, he has never cheated and although goes out lot, i thikn i do trust him. its not in his character to cheat and i really believe he would get rid of me first. nar i didnt have any probs with the realtionship, but he is a really bad communicate, hates talking nout stuff he cant to no1. keeps it all inside as im the person who loves to talk. he cracks it coz i dwell on things but i think i seek reassurance too much. i wana be told all the time he loves me. i no its unrealtisic but i dunno how to stop. ill tell him i love him just so he says it back. i dont no y i get jealous, ive always been like it, as he is the opposite. i just feel like im expecting something he cant give, im stuck in this insecure hole and i dont konw how to get out...any more words of wisdom

"hates talking nout stuff he cant to no1."

I didn't quite understand that, but I get you saying he's quiet and closed in, whereas you are talkitive.

You contradict yourself when you say you don't have a problem with the relationship and yet aren't sure you are getting what you want from it.

What are you insecure about, regardless of what it is, is it a sensativity that he is not aware of or respectful towards?

Do you talk to many people besides him, do you have a group of friends? You should.

Your insecurity is the source of your problem, most likely mixed with an insecurity of his as well.

You cannot be completely comfortable with anyone untill you are comfortable with yourself. Its that simple.

i meant to say that he cant talk about stuff, and he cannot talk to anyone

its all good and well to say bout who can i be happy with myself. i want him to completly love me, and some how that over rules it
yer i have mates but i rarley see em, they are all in happy in long term relationships dont have much spare time

how can i be happy with myself, all i wanna do is spend time with him. should i get rid of him?

"how can i be happy with myself, all i wanna do is spend time with him. should i get rid of him?"

If you can't be happy without another person in your life, you have issues that aren't going to be solved by any boyfriend.

And yes, if you simply cannot be happy unless you are attached permanently to someone and he doesn't want that you might need to leave, however, if you truly love him and he you, then this is probably an adjustment phase.

Outside circumstances etc.

You cannot bypass the importance of your jealousy, it is not ok for you to treat him as if he is a suspect in a crime. This only drives people away. If it is just an insecurity you need to find a way to deal with it. I don't know what it is because you blew it off.

"i want him to completly love me"

You feel this way because you do not love yourself, and because of this you seek reassurance from him, he gives it to you, but its not enough, you then become aggitated and nagging, and you see him retreat from you, now you think he doesn't love you completely, you are acting out of line.

Your behavior is affecting his love for you.

Do you always want to be with him, or do you always want him to be doing what you are doing, if you don't have common interests, I'm not aware of how to make that work.

And if you can't handle him with his friends, then you are being too controlling.

you no what u hit the nail on the head

i am just insecure, but i dont know why, because i beleive i truly love him and dont wanna be without him.i feel like he is always going to leave, if we have a fight he will just leave thats wat i feel, yer ill start a fight just to make him say he cares. i really love he is great, but i no this feeling i have is destrying us. i no i shouldnt be jealous he tells me all the time that it annoys him because he feels like im always goona yell it him.

he doens't no i feel like this, i try to hide it from him, ocz i dont wanna push him away he'll blame himself and then says your better off without him

i no you probs cant help me but i dunno how to get out of this spirl, he tells me he loves me but i alays want more. but will i want is to be with me and be happy with that. but this feeling in my gut as sooon as he leaves destorys me, i feel like he sould be acting in a certain way. its like i want him to read minds. i no you think im prbs crazy, i no im insecure but i dont want that to destroys us we have great fun together, i just need a stragery to get away from the feeling.
i was happy with myself in the beginning its like ive lost myslef into him, but i wanna work through it with him and not get rid of him, any help???

he doens't no i feel like this, i try to hide it from him, ocz i dont wanna push him away he'll blame himself and then says your better off without him

You must communicate, you first said he's not a good communicator, I doubt this now because you simply force negative conversations.

Be open and honest with yourself and facing this insecurity, then if you truly trust and love him you must openly share this insecurity.

He will act this way untill you act differently again. What started the change in your being ok then paranoid?

can i ask someone a quick question here.... ok my bf of like 2 years had just told me last night that he got 1 or 2 lap dnaces.. i always told him how pissed id be if he had gotten one... like to me thats gross.. and to think he'd go behind my back and do that it just pisses me off... he got mad at me saying it was no big deal and i was a baby for being mad... what do you guys think?

You are entitled to feel how you do, you explained ahead of time how you felt about it.

But now he did anyway and you have to decide whether you are ok with that or not.

Its ok to overreact once, or to change your mind. But don't subject yourself (or others) to anything you aren't comfortable with. Relationships are about trust, its up to you.

And if he wants to call you a baby, I'd tell him to take a hike, but thats up to you.