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User Thread
 37yrs • F •
Kind_heart is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Hi there guys, how are all of you? Anyways here's my problem
I have been around these boards looking at the different topics and I have found some very interesting insights and information. Well, I have a couple of questions for everyone and anyone. You see the thing is, is that I'm a virgin (Gosh I can hear most of you laughing at me right now), but my boyfriend isn't. While I do plan on waiting until I'm married to have sex (or as I prefer to call it making love) I was wondering how some of you cope with the feelings of maybe thinking of being compared to a past lover(s) in your s.o's past. (if you or them weren't the first).

Secondly, if you were plagued by these feelings how did you get over it? I'm not holding his past against him whatsoever. I guess what bothers me the most is that if I did decide to want to take things to the next level with him, I wouldn't want to try new positions or other forms of intimate experimentation b/c I'd feel 'well, he probably already did this with so and such at so and such a place...why would he bother wanting to do those things with me? If and when I'm able to over come these insecurities, I know that when I do have a sex life I want it to be wonderful and absolutely fun and spicy.

*Secondly if someone you cared about was feeling the way that I do now, how would you feel and would there be anything you would do to alleviate such insecurities. Thank you all ahead of time for your input and advice I appreciate it very much.

*My bf has never ever compared me to past ex's nor has he pressured me into having sex...he respects my decision to wait.

*Sometimes I think maybe I should break things off with him in order to stop feeling so insecure, so that he'd be better off with someone at his level of experience, it seems like all guys would rather be with an experienced girl, rather than one they would have to 'teach' and didn't have a clue as to what she is doing.

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""Use no way as a way, and no limitations as your limitation"--Bruce Lee"
 52yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that Evilia is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
Welcome Kind_Heart!

I'll try to answer some of your questions honestly. Bear with me though.... I tend to ramble.

First off.... I totally know how you feel. I first had sex the summer of seventh grade. I know..... WAY too early. Really it was my fault. He was like 18, I put myself in a bad position, I did not want to do it, but did it anyways.... blah, blah, blah. It sucked to say the very LEAST, BUT I did learn a lesson that I wouldn't let myself be pushed into that situation again. (I never again had sex till several years later)

Through the years of my "celebisy" (sp.) I dated one guy Brian for almost 2 years. He was three or four years older than me at the time, and was DEFINATELY experienced. I knew he had a year long relationship with someone just prior to me and they had a VERY active sex life. I constantly thought damn....even if I WANTED to have sex with him...(and many a time I did), i'd look and /or feel like a fool. I never had sex with him because of my insecurities. We had a beautiful relationship, minus the sex. (it is possible) I never got over these feelings of insecurity.

Next (almost days later) came Charles. Charles was my BEST friends boyfriend who I HATED. Now I heard their sex life in FULL detail every single day for maybe 6 months. LONG story.... yes I did steal him from her. (Well they were broke up...) I went out with charles for twoish years. He bought the ring and was JUST about to propose, and BAM I met another. Charles and I NEVER had sex. I don't know exactally how I was feeling at the time regarding this. I know it wasn't a problem.... he adored me more than life. Maybe it was because whe she told me him f***ing her with a beer bottle. (I was unexpierenced as it was.....the thought of a BEER bottle??? Lol.)

Anyways..... the one who broke me. Matt. Ahhhhhh beautiful Matt. (BTW MATT screwed that SAME friend of mine ) I met Matt out in the desert. (I used to be a dirt bike queen) He pulled up on his XR 600, as I sat on my CR 125 (hehe) and it was LOVE I say. We dated for like 2 months and then one day I was like.... "Want to go do it?" He was all "HELL ya!!" We did it. It was beautiful. So we did it again, and again, and again, and again for THREE years. Hehehe. He was the one. I knew he was the one I wanted to give myself fully to, and I will never regret it. (I can still remember all the great places we "intertwined" We broke up because he started doing heavy drugs... kidnapped me, beat me to shit (have a metal plate under my eye, though you would never know it), and stalked and harrassed me until I had to get into a protection program.

Anyways.... what was the question again??

Your insecurities are natural. I applaude your decision to remain a virgin. If remaining a virgin is your decision you will feel insecure obviously unless you are with someone who is a virgin as well. I can't see anyone feeling differently. (But on many more than one occasion I have been wrong hehe)

Getting over the feelings? Hmmmmm. You say he is very kind and supportive.... My feelings were feelings of JEALOUSY. How dare you share something like that with MY man, type feeling. (and also the fact that I diddn't want to make a fool of myself)

Hmmmmm I would talk to someone maybe reguarding this?? (councelor) Or look for a book. (I am sure there is several out there regarding remaining a virgin. OR you could just do it.

Hope my rambling helped just a little?

Have a great weekend!

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"Spellcheck is for pussies. REAL women make mistakes."
 38yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Wyote is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
not true. in relationships there are "givers" and "takers" (this applies to everything, not just sex). i dont know anything about this man of yours, but if hes as "experienced" as you make him sound, id say living up to his expectations is the least of your problems, and you might wanna make him take some tests before you get "serious." if he wanted somebody with experience he would be with somebody with experience. he may actually be turned on by the fact that youre a virgin, and he may really enjoy teaching all sorts of things to you. i think you both still have a lot to talk about before you get heavily invovled tho, you should know these things about him already... and once you do, id wager that your insecurities will fade away.

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"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. - Thomas Carlyle"
 40yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that silhouettedevil is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
No one should laugh that your a virgin. I shall applaud you *claps*. I just recently lost my virginity neigh, less than 3 mo. ago to a girl I care about very much.

Lets a see now, how do you cope. Hmmm... I don't know if its different for girls than guys, but my girl had experience, alot more than I thought she had. Of course I felt insecure about pleasing her. She helped to reassure me of her position about me. I would like to say that you just have to ignore any past lover(s) that your b/f has had in the past (which can be difficult, most of my girls previous relationships were with some of my good friends) Its hard to ignore the feelings of inadaquecy(?) but you have to realize that he is with you b/c he likes you as you are, not b/c he wants to judge you amongst past loves. Its all about you and him, forget his past loves(again repeating myself and saying its harder than it looks)

Again with the sexual positions, just ignore or try to not let it bother you. You two may or maynot try new positions. I only did the plain ol' girl/guy, guy/girl on top. Nothing kinky. We talked about other positions, she was open, I didn't comply b/c I am a bit of a kink and didn't want to scare her off.
The position that you two choose to do or not to do is just that Your Choice, trust in that.

I would try to talk things over. A lot about sex or love making or whatever people want to call it is about Trust. Most people won't have sex or etc with someone they can't Trust. I Trust my girl. I myself have some trust issues that I have to deal with. Trust is my main insecurity. Its everyones. Thats why my girl and I are on a (hopefully) temporary break from dating. We both have trust insec. her more than me.

So finally, to stop ranting and repeating myself constantly...
I would say to use your heart and your feelings of Trust. You will truely know when you are ready. I'm glad that my girl waited for a special moment for us both before she took my virginity. Insec. are gonna arise from everything. Again and in closing, Trust is a big key to Life in general. You must Trust yourself to Trust everyone else.

*End rant that repeats everything over and over and over*

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"Everyone leaves. In the End. Everything Dies. In the End. It doesn't matter how hard you hold on. "Mortiis-Everyone Leaves""
 42yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that wesdawgy is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
*Sometimes I think maybe I should break things off with him in order to stop feeling so insecure, so that he'd be better off with someone at his level of experience, it seems like all guys would rather be with an experienced girl, rather than one they would have to 'teach' and didn't have a clue as to what she is doing

Just speaking on this part of it, my wife was a virgin when we met in highschool, and had little to no sexual experience. I thought that this was great because I would be able to start from scratch (I know that sounds bad) and mold her to do things the way I enjoyed them. Instead of having experienced the way other guys liked things, and maybe think I liked it that way too, she had no clue. These things are basicly natural, and will not take very long to master, so don't worry too much. Just remember to listen to your mans wants, and he should do likewise. If he isn't pressuring you now, then he will most likely be the type of guy that will be patient and work with you. Hope something here helps.

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"I'd like to say something profound....."SOMETHING PROFOUND""
 63yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that okcitykid is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
The first time is the most emotional - unfortunately they don't teach this in sex ed. They should. It can be the most beautiful experience in your life or the most ugly.

My advice, don't do it unless you feel loved, otherwise, you will be hurt. After the first time though, it doesn't much matter. But that first time is very special.

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"A fool says I know and a wise man says I wonder."
 40yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that silhouettedevil is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
The first time is the most emotional

I think this is one of the main reasons I'm having trouble getting over my girl and I taking a break.

But definitely(?) wait until you are ready.

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"Everyone leaves. In the End. Everything Dies. In the End. It doesn't matter how hard you hold on. "Mortiis-Everyone Leaves""
 34yrs • F •
NoManual is new to Captain Cynic and has less than 15 posts. New members have certain restrictions and must fill in CAPTCHAs to use various parts of the site.
Well 1st of all, it seems like your bf is making you feel a little guilty about not wanting to have sex.

im 17. and ive got men pushing themselves on me. and when i say no, they get upset and i feel bad n pissed and its just nothing fun to go through.

never let ANYONE push you into doing something you dont want to do. besides, if you hold off having sex, by the time you findthat one special person and marry them. that one night you spend together will be the most incredible thing youll ever experience.

so remeberthat.

good lucky.

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"Suck my balls, i wont bother thinking of a quote."
 39yrs • F •
A CTL of 1 means that rancidkitty26 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
ok....the way i see it is that your boyfriend is willing to wait for you, that obviously means he cares about you,therefor, he's not going to be judgeing and compareing you to the people he has been with before you.....relax.....sex will probably come naturaly....it did for me anyway.......plus, just because your boyfriend had sex with someone already doesnt mean it will be the same with you. everytime you sleep with someone new it's a new and different experience

when you do have sex or make love....dont be afraid to try different things, dont think about how you're doing or how someone else was in bed.....just enjoy the moment because thats probably what your guy will be doing.....i can pretty much garanty that if you decide he's the one you want to loose your virginity to that he wont be thinking of anyone but you

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"we are the music makers, and we, are the dreamers of dreams"
 45yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that tommybc98 is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
This is one of those topics where everyone pulls on their own unique life experience, but here's what I think anyway.

I actually had/have a situation identical to yours, except I am the guy, and she is the one with the experiences. I think it is very good that you are thinking about this right now, and would encourage you to lightly bring this topic up as often as you feel necessary with your boyfriend.

When I first met my wife, I understood that she had been with a few people (she had a 1 y/o son), and let her know that that was no problem for me, and that I felt no judgement about any of it. Over the years, however, she mentioned that she had also been with so-and-so, and also so-and-so, and after a while I began to feel very overwhelmed and small. Especially since I knew that a few of her relationships had been highpoints in her life and, being that we went to the same schools, I also knew these people.

I don't pretend to have all the answers on this one, but I am a strong believer in honesty, even though some truth hurts. The issue that I see is that there needs to be a lot of understanding on both parts about how the other person feels. It is an emotional topic, and the feelings involved are all valid. I would suggest that you and your boyfriend decide early on that this is a topic that either of you can bring up in the future, and the other person will respect feelings enough to be sensitive and talk, and not feel attacked or judged.

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"Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time"
 42yrs • M •
A CTL of 1 means that Azhrei is a contributing member of Captain Cynic.
I also think waiting is a good idea, you both will know exactly when the time is right. It will be a wonderful thing, if you allow it. If he hasn't pressured you he probably won't in any serious way until it is time. As for postions, start with what is comfortable, but do not be afrias to experiment it is good to keep the love life exciting. some people worry that always trying new positions can be a bad sign, but it's not. Continuing to do the same thing over and over agian can get boring, if you want to keep him happy then always keep him guessing.

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