Hi everyone. This is a letter I reciently wrote to all of my long lost friends who have been completely lost to what had happened to me. You be the judge. All imput will be greatly appreciated. (well i'm shure not ALL, hehehe)
WARNING: It's a little long.
Why hello there my beautiful friends who I have left in the dark regarding my existence. Hope you are all doing well.
I have not written due to the fact that I was (and still am) quite confused upon the path my life might take. I never wanted to do a long ass letter on my plans only to have to write another long ass letter explaining that they have changed, therefore embarrassing the shit out of myself. Hehehehe. I STILL do not have any "set" plans for I am just taking this shit one day at a time, but I am refraining from my rudeness because you are all my friends, and friends are so damn important. (I know this. I have but one friend here.)
O.k..... where to begin? Here goes..... I am no longer with Steve. Steve has not lived with me since the end of December. You all know the story......I fell madly in love with him. He was a pure Dick. I got pregnant, he STILL was a pure Dick. At 7 months pregnant I moved to Cali, found out he cheated. Bla, bla, bla. He then pretty much paid me to keep me happy, bought me stuff, for the rest of the time (what was that 4 years?? UGH) Yes he was kind to me ... but I will get into that a little later.
Let me tell you a little about my possessions. (not to be conceded, but to prove a point here) I have a new Xterra, a new 350-z convertible, a beautiful 3 bed 3 bath condo, a HUGE walk in closet full with so many shoes and clothes I can't walk in it. (and everything is folded properly) Designer everything. A stereo in each room. Surround sound upstairs and downstairs. TWO Ps2's, Gamecube, X-box, Ps, Nintendo 64, two computers, tivo, diamonds, lets just say soooooooooo fucken much shit that if you gave me a million bucks, really the only thing I need right now is detergent and cat litter. My point? Money ain't shit. Now money helps of course. When you DON'T have money it is the most important thing. (believe me, at this time I have 100 bucks to my name and I pretty much had to kiss ass to get it)
The one thing I was lacking. Love. I was not loved. Do I believe he loves me? Yes, shit he has to I am his best friend. But, I did not have the love I so longed for. The hug, the touch, the kiss, the PASSION. The "I'm so fucken in love with you sex Goddess, beautiful woman of my dreams," love. Embarrassing as it might seem. My hot, sexy body needs the touch of a MAN. A real man with true passion and love. Someone who was not only a friend, but a lover. I have not TRULY been loved in over 5 years. To him, I was a beautiful friend. In a sense a business partner, nanny, maid, cook, of whom he could tell he had a "family," with.
Did he know my feelings??? Of fucken course!!! You all know that I am a woman who speaks her mind. FULLY. Everything that's on it, in it, and around it. I forgot how it was to be kissed. Sure I was pecked hello and good-bye. Though I would go MONTHS without a kiss. A real kiss. A sloppy, wet ass kiss. A kiss of love. Of passion. And no there was no sex at all. Ever. Well, maybe once every two months or so, but I was not kissed then either. It was pretty much back the truck up, I need to load it up. (Ewwwww, lol) I asked him why. I cried a lot. My answers were, work stress, tiredness from work, etc., etc. My conclusions??? Either you are just not attracted to me, you are cheating, or you are gay. I have, after pondering this alone now come to the decision that it is either addiction to work, (power, money, toys) or gayness. Whichever the reason, I deserved and still do deserve to know. I actually beat myself up forfucken EVER thinking I was maybe unattractive, or yucky in some way to him. He always said, "No, you are BEAUTIFUL, it is me, I just don't know why." Did he get checked?? Yup. Testosterone normal. Did he see a shrink??? No but he should have. Because I left. (or made him leave)
Anyway....... I met someone. His name is Joey. For the last 6 months that Steve and I were living together, I was with Joey. Did Steve have ANY idea?? HELL no. He was too busy with work, projects, ways to make MORE cash, etc. etc. Did I warn him?? A billion times. He never took me seriously. He thought his money could keep me here. Not.
Back to Joey. Joey is totally different from Steve. He doesn't even make a quarter of what Steve makes. Joey is big and chubby. Joey is not the best looking man in the world by far. He has several kids. A lot of flaws, which he has worked on tremendously therefore I am soooo proud of his accomplishments.
Joey's good points. He protects me, he loves me, he adores me, he would do anything for me, he kisses me, he dances with me, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he has changed my life. He has given me hope in this shit ass world. Do I love him? Very much so. The thought of him makes me smile. People call us beauty and the beast. It's his beastliness I adore. I have adored him for now....for almost 8 months?
So..........back to my decisions on life. What will I do. What will I do. STILL I have no idea. I can stay here with Joey, pretty much struggle money wise, and then Steve can continue to have a relationship with his son in this smog infested yuck of a state called California. OR..... I can pack my shit, move back to the beautiful state called Arizona, where the cost of living is soooooooo much cheaper, where I have friends, and a little family...(brother, Mother) Joey will leave with me in a second, but he too has kids that really need him. (they are older 12+) He has not said anything about his kids..... he says no matter what he will go where I go, but I am the one not wanting to be the "bad guy." Nor will I be.
I could ask Steve to move in as friends, get my bills paid, my son still will have his father, and we will lead separate lives. (a way of having my cake and eating it too)<<<<which you all know would never work in the end.
So........ this is my life as I know it. Days it is fucken WONDERFUL. Days I have to think about it..... it sucks ass. Shitty ass. I have yet to actually make a decision but I need to quickly for Steve will pay my bills up through March, then I best be where I plan on going by then.
Your imput will greatly be appreciated.
Love and kisses to you all.
PS I know I spell like shit. Hehehe.