It was better left in the dark.

I only do what I want, and I think that yesterdays events have changed me forever. Oh boy...

I may start enjoying the pain...

"I have nothing to be proud of today but hopefully tomorrow I will."

As emotions stir within me, emotions I cannot understand, that have no name, i am terrified that I am starting to realise that my certainty that there was no more to life than my accidental creation, may be very misplaced.

There must be more, there must, if not, it wounds me that so much is lost.

"I have nothing to be proud of today but hopefully tomorrow I will."

The dramatic worship of all that is living, a man stands and is lost in the strong voice of an opera singer, she sings that she is life, life, and although she has nothing, theres life. And she is at one, insanely comforted.

Everybody lusts, it is natural, essential and not sinful

"I have nothing to be proud of today but hopefully tomorrow I will."

The pain, one vein pops, and another one bursts, and im sick because the pain blinds me, im crying now because I feel a fool, weak now, because I feel alone. 'Just rest your head against this Laylah, it'll all be over soon'. Will it? Cancer doesnt end when chemo ends this leaflet told me, i rushed back in shock, and grabbed it, read it, threw it, sat down and didnt cry, I dont cry. I walk strongly, normally, nobody can even tell, i wear my baseball cap and my scarf, and nobody knows how my hairs been falling, and nobody knows how my dreams are scarring, and nobody cares because everyones afraid, and nobody comes out of the crowd, and holds me as i transform into a child, and weep against their shoulder, as they stroke my hait, and kiss my head, as i sit on the floor, overwhelmed, suffering the way everybodys suffering, at one with the world, and hating it,

I would if i could, stand on a table and scream, wont somebody hold me, wont somebody feel the agony my veins are put threw, feel the acid rubbing against my stomach walls, feel like they are falling, it always reoccurs, come back to the idea and illusion like im falling, i dont know if its the devil, and it cannot be God, because hes been distant for so long, hes not even part of the disease in my body, my psychology turned against me, and spread the poison to humble me and ill become nothing but a distant memory, and a poorly quoted sentance, somebody elses experience, and it will shape you, and you wont even know how to stop it, now, its done, its spread, im inside you, how you were always inside me, and we are one.

"I have nothing to be proud of today but hopefully tomorrow I will."

I had lost faith, I stood on the roof of my house and breathed in the air, completely alone, so content that I could smile truthfully.
I had lost faith in fate, things dont have meanings, they are what they are, and then a huge heap of metal slammed into my body. I dont know what colour it was,could have been blue, perhaps green but I hope it was as dramatically romantic as I see it when I close my eyes. My body flies into the air, his heart becomes the only thing he can hear,until he thinks hes going to be sick from the noise, but I dont know, i never saw what happened that day. But my life changed forever. A girl whos greatest worry was does he love me, and what will Mum say when she realises ive had my belly pierced.
There he stood, that beautiful doctor and his red lips turned black as he spoke, you may have cancer Aliyah but we have to do scans to make sure, a biopsy, a what doctor, a biopsy, dont worry it wont hurt, it shant hurt, it wont scar, its all necessary, heart biopsy, blood test,bone marrow kariakoue, nurse, sick bowl, blood test chemo chemo chemo chemo chemo, hair loss, alopecia, jade goody, RIP JADE GOODY, you werent so smart but it was a hard way to die, patrick, dawuds friends sister, how many people will I know who will die, . no we cant take you to your chemo, you should have told us before, you did,but we werent listening, sorry, its fine, honestly, smile, im fine.

My life had changed forever, and there was nothing I could do to stop it happening. Im not sure what I learnt, but I know I have learnt many things. I thought I knew everything, i stood so proud on that roof, that I had made a break through into my mind, development was how I saw it, how wrong I was. There was so much more to learn, there is so much to know, and I cant live long enough to learn it, the greatest minds must have lamented upon death that some unanswered question remained so in their consciousnesses
I couldnt die, How could I? I still have to give birth children to have who have green eyes, and soft skins, black hair, sharp minds, what would they do without me, never to exist is not an option. How could i stop feeling when my skin is brushed sofly, feel that violent fire spreading, how could I die, and never cry again, never eat, never feel such anger that my chest burns violet, how could I die today? I had lavished romantic tragedies, but never my own. Such a betrayal I could not commit. Never hear a soft melody, feel it bind itself to my heart, never love again. Impossible. I have so much to give, my heart broke when I saw the life i could have lived break away, melt into the distance, fade. And I love you so strongly, why should we wither and die, its because the gods are cruel and bitter.

Im not sure what it is I want to write tonight, but that Im grateful to everyone who has been there, and those who could not, because you couldnt bear it, i cant forgive you yet but when I can I will.

I found faith, one cold day, I saw the beauty that I never saw in myself, and trusted myself for once, i saw that lust is not abusive, that without it, we could never love and live, I saw that dreams indicate nothing we dont already know, I believed that life was worth living, and that it had meaning.

I had faith, my faith. And that is enough for me, had I not been touched by such a pain and suffering perhaps the fire that every woman has would have died on an unholy night like this.

"I have nothing to be proud of today but hopefully tomorrow I will."