Masturbation, Inhibition, Desires and Sex

When you masturbate, but do it as a REPLACEMENT for seeking it in real life, you re-assert to yourself that your uninhibited sexual desires cannot be accepted in reality, for you have chosen to leap into fantasy to satisfy them instead of seeking its fulfillment in reality.

This is what creates self-loathing, for it certifies that remaining inhibited is your chosen way to live.

If, however, you masturbate knowing full well that you tried your hardest, your best to pursue satisfying your needs, in the most uninhibited manner possible, with the outside world, then your brain understands that you masturbate because nothing satisfactory was found today. Specifically, today, and so you pursue satisfaction through self-pleasure.

Not because it is all there ever is, but because it is all there is right now, given your best efforts.

That is the crucial difference necessary to avoid self-loathing, for all self-loathing relating to sex and orgasms are focused upon self-inhibition. If one is uninhibited in his or her desires, he or she will never feel guilty, bad, or dirty after sex. Even masturbation is inherently not an act of sex, your mind knows it, and so if you engage in it instead of pursuing uninhibited sex in real life, you assert to your brain that your desires, what makes you, you, is shameful, is rejected, and you certify to yourself that it will never be accepted by another human being.

The question is not whether another human being will even accept your desires - if you do not try to share them with people fearlessly regardless of their acceptance or rejection, you assert to yourself that you, yourself, believe they are shameful and/or embarassing.

Doing your best to share them with the world asserts that you do not view them as shameful in yourself, and in this manner will never relate self-loathing to sex.

Rejection, as well, will never create the self-loathing within you as an adult. Only as a child, when your ability to separate another person's incompatibility or bias from their opinions is immature, do you readily associate their disgust or judgment of your sexual desires to you as a person, therefore, creating the conditioned response of self-loathing.

As an adult, however, you more readily observe other peoples' rejection as a sign of incompatibility on their part rather than an inherent detractor of your self.

Therefore, always pursue expressing your sexual desires to those you wish to in as honest a manner possible. This is the only way to cleanse yourself of any negative reactions to the satisfaction and desire associated with sex. Masturbation should only be a last resort fallback plan.

I realize this kind of thread will cause many to reveal personal parts of their lives. I'm okay with this. I just wanted you guys to know that I know, if that makes sense, what I'm doing here. Anyhow, I think there is truth in this, Decius. I have sexual desires that my other half cannot understand. I've told her many times of them, but effort is rarely made on her end to give to me what I feel I need.

I think this has a lot to do with the fact that she, too, is not getting what she needs in the arena of our sexual relationship. Her problem, however, is that she doesn't seem to know what she needs. I am the second man she's been with. I can hardly believe that ,but it seems true from her lack of sexual openness. The first man treated her as a once-in-a-while fuckdoll from what I can gather. I guess it has to do with her upbringing. She' s a wonderful woman, but she has this "little girl" within her that she just won't let go of. These things make a man, at least me, feel difficulty in keeping attracted, physically, many times.

She is 37 years old, but her voice is very juvenile. Her mind and heart are child-like, filled with an innocence and naivity about the world around her. She fears getting old. I haven't figured out why yet, though. Heck, I only found out a few months ago she was 37, and NOT 27. She had lied to me the whole time because she feared that I would not have "stuck around" if I had known she were ten years older than I am. I told her that would have been my decision to make, and at any rate, I wouldn't have cared. Cause even now, I don't care, though the lie bothered me initially a good bit. However, through a lot of talking, we've worked that out. She never tells me what she wants, but I know what I want.
I realize my description of her paints a strange picture. Let me just say that she is from Taiwan, and that there it is normal for a grown woman to hold onto "girly" attributes of innocence and naivity sometimes.

When I was young, I know this sounds weird, but heck, it's truth, I had developed a sort of fixation on the hands and feet of women. I always saw the female foot as, well, feminine. The arch, smallness, and clean way of them turned me on from a young age. A woman's hands are the same thing for me. Also, the freedom with which a woman's hands move in carressing my body is something I've loved since I was a child, say for example, when my aunts gave me affection.

Essentially, I have a hand and foot fetish to put it bluntly. I like feminine hands and feet, and I like them involved in my sex life. However, my partner does not feel she is the type to maintain healthy nails and delve into this fetish. She will "throw me a bone" sometimes and do somethings with me, but not too often. I get the feeling she feels it's an unhealthy fixation on my end. And perhaps she's right. What do you think about this, Decius? I can enjoy making love to this woman, as I love her, but sometimes I find myself in a state of want with no means to satiate a sort of heated desire.

I'd also like to add that she seems to sense when I am in a state of wanting, and when she senses this, she cannot fully enjoy the pleasure I give her. This causes me to feel bad, and the love we make is then kind of deadened. We only manage to "pull off" great sex when we're both in need and filled with good emotion.

Thanks for the post Danny - I am surprised I got some heartfelt feedback.

I've wrestled with the same concept, and realized that contemplating whether your fetish is wrong or right is in fact a completely irrelevant issue.

As you briefly outlined, it's there because of something, whether it be good stimulus, bad stimulus, a lie, a delusion, or even just something inherent to who you are. Maybe it makes perfect sense.

That's totally completely irrelevant.

I'm going to try to explain something that is really complicated in my own brain, so communicating it may even be hard.

But it's like, if I have a rape fantasy, or a fantasy about fucking a really slutty 10 year old girl, these are more clearly things one could feel ashamed of than finding feet or hands sexy.

However, the issue I am trying to express is that it's not about going out and raping someone or fucking a 10 year old girl - it's about not feeling shameful about the desire, whether its something you actually act upon.

So, for example, say I want to fuck a 10 year old girl for some odd reason. I determine that actually fucking a 10 year old is too risky due to legal reasons, and also creates a moral dillemma because it is hard to conclude that a 10 year old is sexually aware enough to participate of her own choice. Okay, so based on that, actually fucking a 10 year old is not really realistic.

Does that mean I can't go out and get it? Not at all. It means if I meet a woman, or have a partner, and I want to fuck a 10 year old girl, I completely openly share this desire with her, and pursue having sex with my partner with that mindset.

Even if I don't have a partner, I look for someone who wants to fulfill this fantasy for me.

In doing so, I separate the notion that what I want is distasteful or something to be shameful of from something I logistically simply can't have. if it's something I logistically can't have, the human mind has the incredible capacity to learn from that fact and move on, like an evolutionary step.

However, if I am stuck in shame mode, and that in any way prevents me from seeking out what I am looking for, my evolutionary mind never kicks in and I never get to focus on desires that are available to me, and away from desires that are not available to me.

In the end, Danny, there is no such thing as an unhealthy fixation. There are only sexual desires, some are attainable and some are not.

That
Is
It.

Pursue all the ones you have to the best ability that you can, safely and securely, and you eliminate self-loathing and free yourself from truly incompatible "fetishes".

I truly believe this dude. I believe it so much, as does my partner, that I actively seek to fuck chicks based on those desires, and she is completely supportive, and vice versa. And I'm realizing that the more uninhibited I am with my partner, the less I need the outside world, and that there is a true false perception out there that a slut or hot chick will permit you to be more uninhibited than whomever you are with.

This may or not be true, but you can't know for sure unless you and your partner try, to the best of your ability, to forego any fears about your own sexual desires, and certainly do not make the other person feel shameful for theirs.

Genuinely, when your partner actively tries to be respectful of your fetish, I can nearly guarantee you that she will find that she is turned on by it as well.

It's a win-win situation if both people try to be uninhibited: no self-loathing, bigger turn ons, better sexual experience.

I think I still masturbate for self exploration. But, only if its at a time when I can't explore myself in a more deep level with my lover.

For all of my study of feeling shameful or guilty aftwerwards, I can say that I have thought of most of this and came into contact with a lot of what you are experiencing Danny.

I've dealt with a lot of opressive things and one of the main "questions" that comes up in the process of ridding myself of these things is, "Is this desire from some sort of emotional problem?" Because thats where the shame come from. If it comes from something that you're unwilling to be honest with, you'll want to lie about it. If its something you'll only only yourself to express when your alone, masturbating, you'll feel like whwat you've done SHOULD NOT be shared with your partner and that it is embarrasing. I find the best cure for this is to sharre it with your partner.

Which will generally result in one of two things. They empathize with you, understand that there IS nothing to be ashamed of, even if it does come from some kind of abuse, because the abuse was not your fault and this is just a symptom, then they usually share in the sexual nature of it. And in having this excepted as something that is "OK" is a big help in healing.

Or your partner will NOT accept you. This is usually because they themselves have something hurting them sexually.

This growing process has a lot to do with shaping a long term sex life.

Danny, she says that its unhealthy and thats why she doesn't like it. Well, explore that idea with her openly. Because you have expressed that you like it because its femonine, she what it is about that that makes her uncomfortable? I connect it like this.

Feminine, womanly. "little girl" complex, ashamed of something sexual creates a hesitation...

And what ever else there may be.

The important thing is understand what it is thats causing her to feel it is shameful, then coming to a true understanding that sex is not shameful, in any way, unless it is abusive. And then, the victims have done nothing wrong, and therefor have nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm in absolute agrreance with you on this Decius.

Though my partner and I have not had sex with other people in order to actually fullfill fantasies "either we're not there yet or we have come to the realization your started on, that.... "And I'm realizing that the more uninhibited I am with my partner, the less I need the outside world, and that there is a true false perception out there that a slut or hot chick will permit you to be more uninhibited than whomever you are with. "

This.

I feel this very strongly. Here's how open we arae. Generally, we are naked. This has a lot of benefits in my eyes. First of all, not having any close on, at first, will put you in a generally strange mood while doing things that are not "naked" related. At first. But as you grow more comfortable with the fact that you have a naked body and that there is no shame in your naked body, you begin to just feel more free to be who you trully are. When I put cloths on, I feel like I'm lying somehow. Always seeing myself naked helps me remain honest wiht my body aswell. Keeps me humble. And being able to love this way with someone around you gives you the ability to be very true to yourself all of he time. If she comes in and a have an erection, theres no hiding that, and its not lke I get the urge to.

Living like this, is possible because of the years and years we have poured into being comfortable with each other. I don't believe I could have a better sexualy experience.

Now, are we inhibited? Absolutely. But we seek them out. For fun, for pleasure and for growth.

Infidelity

One of the most commonly repressed desires is that of the pursuit of infidelity. The moment any of us finds someone other than who we are with attractive, it is our responsibility to pursue that or create self-loathing within.

If we, in any way, do not pursue it, regardless of success or failure, we are telling ourselves that the desire is shameful.

If you are single and do not pursue it, you tell yourself this of your own accord (you may allocate it to shyness, to the fear of rejection and feel the end of the world follows afterwards).

If you are partnered and are influenced by your partner's negative reaction, then you accept their projection of loathing unto yourself and condition yourself to carry it independant of them (if they should die, you would feel guilty in finding another woman attractive because you perceive that is being loyal to what they want, but it isn't, because you are being loyal to their fears, not their true selves).

As I tried to explain earlier, the fright associated with rejection of our desires, whether it be sharing it with a partner or hitting on a chick in a club has one very clear escape route:

First, always perform all your actions in a completely uninhibited manner. If you are even slightly inhibited and permit yourself to act even slightly repressed out of fear, you will feel bad regardless of whether you succeed or fail.

Once #1 is satisfied, if you are accepted, then you get to experience your absolute desire, which is good. If you are rejected, rather than take it as a lesson in self-loathing, you will trigger your evolutionary mind to either target more appropriate people for your desires, or to pursue other desires for their lack of compatibility with your environment.

This cannot be accomplished without first pursuing it completely uninhibited. That means, put your shame aside, believe for that instant that it is a beautiful thing, no matter what it is, because it is in you, and pursue it wholeheartedly.

In believing it is a beautiful thing, when and if it is sufficiently rejected, one does not loathe themselves but instead refocuses their desires, because it is logically not able to be satisfied. This is the thing I am trying to express.

If your partner is stopping you from fucking another person, that is suppression which you cannot escape - it creates self-loathing, because you are aware subconsciously that you did not try your best and fail in the world. You never tried your best because of your partner's projection.

With your partner's absolute support, you can go out into the world and try your best. If you enjoy it, and if it succeeds, great. If you don't and it doesn't, then you move on, permanently.

Tied to this is the fact that logically, not out of desire, but logically, if you feel your sexual desire is wrong, then most likely when and if you invest in it freely, it may eventually dissolve itself in favor of more intense and healthy desires. That is dependant on your analysis being accurate.

If, for example, you like feet and hands, and this is due to some childhood experience, and you indulge in it, you may discover over time that it is more expressive and enjoyable to stick your penis in vagina, and invest less in that desire, because it is no longer the forbidden fruit and you have experienced it fully and can now make an educated decision about what is best for you.

However, the catch is that if you go into it hoping it will dissolve, you still carry your loathing, and cannot invest in it compltely uninhibited, which breaks the whole machine. Knowing that it may dissolve because it is illogical should not effect your pursuit of it, because it should be holistic.

It is like "maybe eating too many carrots is bad for me, but regardless I'm going to do it because that's the only way I'll know, and there's nothing inherently wrong with eating carrots". Since there is no shame associated with eating carrots, one can go through the full process.

This is how all sexual desires should be, good or bad.

This is very dangerous thinking. We do not have to try everything before we can know whether it's right or wrong. For instance we do not have to experience brutally murdering someone to know it's wrong. Why? Because more then just ending their life, it disrespects and dishonors them along with all who are are part of their lives.

So when it comes to infidelity what does that action do? It dishonors both partners of that relationship. It ends the oneness that was unique and shared by only them. It becomes the ultimate form of disrespect as the more you bring in the more you desire. It destroys the mutual contentment that the original partners once had. And then the real self loathing begins. And for what? So they can chase sexual fantasies that will never be able to replace the perfect harmonious contentment they once enjoyed? Not to mention decadence brought down many a society.

Re-direction of Desire

This is dangerous, and should be used only when meticulously analyzed, but can be an effective way to quicken the evolutionary process the mind goes through, as I mentioned previously, when it encounters desires you attempt to wholeheartedly fulfill that simply cannot be successfully fulfilled, or don't satisfy you adequately when they do.

That is counter-conditioning.

Suppose you want to fuck 10 year olds. So you go out and find women and present to them your fantasy, some of them may agree and others may not. With the ones that agree you try to fulfill your fantasy with them. Maybe some of them try but don't really act it out realistically and it ends up just being sex.

With others they are more passive and you are doing most of the imagination yourself.

Okay, so you go out and try it again. Same thing occurrs.

Now, what will happen is your mind will start going through some anguish - this is the natural transition when it is re-assessing the sexual desire and trying to figure out how to get it.

At this point, it "may" be benficial to arbitrate masturbating to something more realistically attainable, and/or healthy. This is to minimize the anguish so that at least you orgasm, and you give your mind the hope that even if the 10 year old thing does not pan out, you have other alternatives that may even be better, or more reliable.

It is important that you NOT do this before wholeheartedly, and in an uninhibited manner, pursuing exactly what you feel your fantasy is (within safe, moral and legal constraints), otherwise you will just create self-loathing by telling yourself that you are currently masturbating to something else because your fantasy is "dirty".

Only practice alternatives because what you want is not feasibly attainable, and you can only know this by trying. Do not do it because you think it is dirty - that is like penance, or a cilice, and you do not want to convert your penis and/or sexuality into an act of self-mutilation to offset guilt.

These are very advanced topics, very intricate and important to read and assess carefully. There is a lot of science behind it, and you should discuss it out here, or elsewhere, think it through completely before any conditioning is done.

Conditioning is very powerful and dangerous.

I don't fully understand the psychological depths that sexuality plays in our lives, but evidence certainly suggests that sexual repression in any way, shape or form has extreme implications.

I could guess that it extends itself from our exit from the womb all the way to our concept of reproduction and marriage, and perhaps even relates to one of the fundamental base characteristics of all evolutionary species - to reproduce and maintain the species.

It all gets lost in intellectualization, money, politics, war, religion... and those that promote the expression of any sort of sexual deviance become fringe characters who, like most fringe characters, have found some odd niche to fit themselves into, proclaiming that theirs solves the world's problems.

But unlike saving the whales or raccoon taxidermy, sexuality is an undeniable part of every person's life. Not only that, but the concept of children, reproduction, and even our own childhoods, our relationships to our parents... they all play significant parts in organizing who we are, almost as if most of who we are in some way or another relate to these components.

And every one of these components also relates to our knowledge and idea of sexuality as well.

It therefore suggests that any sort of desire, whether it be pedophilia or shit eating, has deep inner links to our inner self, spawning from our very birth, and in suppressing them we are necessarily creating vacuums in our beings that, as previously suggested, create extremely destructive reactions later in life, not to mention the overall long term drainage of the spirit.

It behooves you, as an individual, therefore, to always pursue anything you sexually desire or may even potentially sexually desire, even if it is something you believe you have a specific aversion to. This is because over time, we repress lots about us, and in trying different sexual things we could stumble upon something that expresses some part of us, and in doing so, successfully remove some portion of shame that we carry with us.

Once you remove the shame, entirely, from the act, the decision as to whether you pursue it in the future is entirely up to you. That is the purpose of this thread - to return control of your sexual desire to you.

I feel, repeatedly, that this is highly relevant to pedophiles, who are almost universally oppressed, persecuted and ridiculed, while in actuality may be the most unfortunate of us all. Their sexual desires form the base bottom barrel of social acceptance, and no other group is more readily (even violently) attacked.

If you want to be free of what you perceive to be an immoral or dangerous sexual desire, first pursue indulging in it with someone in a consensual manner, fully and freely doing so with no shame. In pursuing it honestly and fully, you remove shame. Once you remove shame, you give yourself control of it.

Maintaining shame keeps the desire out of your control. No matter how much you suppress it or hide it, it will always be there, and always persist.

Those who try to breed shame within you do so to spread the virus of suppression, to keep themselves from having to challenge and face their own carnal desires. Ignore such people - they will evolve at their own pace. Pursue your carnal desires with complete vigor in a safe and consensual manner, and you will regain control of your sexuality.

In doing so, and as alluded to above, who knows what magnificent changes your entire psyche may go through.

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This is dangerous, and should be used only when meticulously analyzed

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Very true. At the end of the day we will own our decisions.

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One of the most commonly repressed desires is that of the pursuit of infidelity. The moment any of us finds someone other than who we are with attractive, it is our responsibility to pursue that or create self-loathing within.

If we, in any way, do not pursue it, regardless of success or failure, we are telling ourselves that the desire is shameful.

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While monogamy was brought about by the birth and evolution of societies, it is not of my concern. I realize that monogamy, in part, is an unnatural act. However, it is my belief that we, as humans, in all of our complexity, can scarcely understand ourselves at times in relation to what's outside, let alone connecting/disconnecting with and from multiple partners (oh sure, it can be done, and is done, but is it healthy?). I want one. One partner. I can only handle one. One partner at any one time.

With that said, I can understand the shame associated with seeking pleasure outside of home. I look at women, all day, every day. I think about what they smell like. If they enjoy anal sex. If they get overly-wet to point of excretion or remain cold/barren.

I never pursue it, though, because I feel the thought of it comes moreso from some shortcomings in my own monogamous relationship than from it being a simple, natural urge. I believe that some minds have evolved to heights that make it to where some among us can no longer simply hunt, feast, and move on from partners. I believe our minds now play a vital role in attraction, for if I meet a woman who is beautiful in body/ugly in mind, I am then turned off to her as a whole.

I cannot handle such an overload of stimulus anyway. I desire a partner to connect with and keep me grounded in an objective reality. Please don't mistake this for weakness. I feel I am perfectly capable of standing on my own, but I think that my life has so much more meaning/power when it is augmented with a partner. We give and receive energy from one another. We become an interlocking system. Two brains, two hearts, two wills, which form one powerful entity.

As for the problems I am a part of in this entity, I feel they're to do with a lack of time together. We don't talk as much as we used to. There has always been a communication barrier. However, during the honeymoon phase of our relationship (first two years), I would say that we strained to convey our whole self to one another. We now know each other. But we have to keep up with one another in our day-to-day evolution. However, due to there being a communicative strain, we've reached a stage of diminishing returns for our efforts. We're comfortably uncomfortable in our lack of talking. This lack of communication brings about a lack of intimacy, I think. And this lack of intimacy, is what makes for a lack of physical expression of love. We simply need to WORK on our relationship. M. Scott Peck, essentially believes, that life is work. And we have to love our work. I try to realize this as often as I can.

It also doesn't help, in my opinion, that my society has fixated on physicalities in what's attractive. I am bombarded with sexy images all day, every day. Well, neither me or my wife are what could be called "sexy." My mind is often bamboozled into thinking that we should be. I feel guilty about my averageness, and I feel resentment about hers. Do I have something to prove to society? I think about this sometimes. I guess not. I think it's the other way around. Society wants for us to be these things, and if we are not, we are less. You have seen it, and you will see it time and again.

Anyhow, I think I need to go form as one, an entity right now Thanks for evoking these thoughts in me, Decius and MB. Exactly why I come here.....

.- Sorry for the rambling. Just letting thoughts come out naturally.

See, you're doing what the mind tries to trick you into doing. As soon as you have these desires that are deemed bad, you legitimize it with logic that appears perfectly sound.

Then the hope that in pursuing the correct form of intimacy, the correct focus, and re-stating the logic the desire will go away. But it won't.

This is because, as I've repeatedly said, you shy away from it not because you don't want to freedom to explore it, but because you feel fearful of the shame associated to it.

All the fatigue and "overstimulus" you try to express in regards to infidelity is bupkus. I know exactly what that is, as I've done the same thing for years. It is bullshit, in its entirety.

It is saying, facing that fear, the shame of it, is too much to challenge, and so, right now, or indefinitely, this is what I must pursue, and then you legitimize it with logical morality, as you've just done.

If you want to fuck a hot chick, express that to your partner and have her do exercise so she becomes modelesque. Or, try to find a chick like that with all your heart so that you can experience it.

It's up to you - I gather that you are shying away from these suggestions because, as I can gather, the notion that your wife will understand them and come on board with you is something hard to consider as a possibility, and that's not my place to say or concern.

All I know is what will work and what won't. You can't reason sexual desires away. All you can do is embrace them, with absolutely no shame. If your partner is unwilling to free you of the shame, then it's your choice - security with them, protecting their hold of you, or free your mind so you, overall, live a happier healthier life.

The fear of the other person's reaction is always the large issue. If one tries to legitimize it by making their fantasies or desires sinful, by uplifting the other person, or worse yet, elevating our own abstinence as something pious, we permanently remain locked in suppression, and permanently remain locked in self-loathing.

Danny tried to suggest via PM that I am suggesting a selfish life, while he is trying to live a more selfless life, and therefore, his sacrfice is an act of piety.

There are a great many excuses the cowardice within us creates in fear of self-loathing, in fear of being wrong. If is up to us to challenge it, for our own improvement. The mask if piety is one of the most potent and dangerous ones because it allows us to believe we are actually doing something righteous, and permits us to defend it with vigor.

(Like a cilice http://www.captaincynic.com/thread/48859/6/christian-crimes-against-huma
nity.htm#92134)

Of course, that is just one of the tricks. We may conclude the other person is too incapable of facing their fears, and so we are being kind by permitting it to continue.

There are a hundred different excuses, all one's own choice to follow or challenge.

It's true. The desire will not go away. It's also very true that I've done everything in my power to have my partner understand my desires through extended, repeated discourse. It's also true that I've even taken physical steps in bringing this to reality. To put it bluntly, she will not accomodate my desires. She will not become plasticized for me, wearing fake eyebrows and working tediously on her hands, feet, hair, etc. for my liking. We've engaged in couples therapy (discourse). I've bought gift certificates to salons/gone to sex shops with her. She's simply not into it, and believe me, I've conveyed it as a need, maturely, immaturely, indirectly, directly.

It all comes down to choice, to priorities. My reality is NOT bubkes. It's simply NOT. Overstimulation is very real (eg; look up the concept of 'cognitive load' for further clarification and education on the matter, if you wish). It's all in just how closely you look at your world. It's full of hidden messages and motives that, frankly, constantly cause me to overload. When this happens, I feel I need to evaluate my schema and add information to it, thereby organizing things. A partner in life is invaluable in this process. We share a reality together, and we force one another to maintain, for we are accountable to each other.

I, as a grown man, face challenges. I seek truth. I convey my truths, especially to those I care about. MY truths. We're all a multiverse here, Decius. Your reality is not fully mine. Mine is not fully yours. But you can bet we share things in this giant social system known as life. Which brings me back to the choices/priorities thing.

I've DONE what needed to be done to get what I want in this relationship, big and small. But for all my efforts, it's not perfected. I choose to stay AND not stray, though. I believe in this entity, this two-into-one system I'm a part of. I've gone through how these things have likely come to be a desire for me. I've laid out the "why" and the "what" of it all in full detail.

And yes, I do often want this hyper-feminine image in my sexual life. I know why, too. It still, again (agreeing with you) does not change, though.

Her not being into it has to do with many things. Her whole persona hinges upon this innocence, child-like state. She fears growing old. She likely fears the accountability and sobriety that come with aging. The regenerative (child-bearing) and degenerative process. As you can see, there's much to this. We must fix our selves before we can talk of some things to be incorporated into it all. But frankly, I don't know if she needs this "fixing." She's a grown woman, but she has a tendency, or a desire, to keep her naivity and innocence. We've talked about this. She's aware. We're moving forward through that. We're taking initiative and action.

I won't stray or move on from her for some base desire I have. That IS selfish. Living for the self is something I'm learning, evolving, to not do. Her positives beat out these things that I do not get. I can't suggest others do the same, for others might feel that living for the self completely is something to strive toward. We're simply moving in opposite directions on that, I think, Decius. You're entitled to move in your direction. I hope no one mistakes mine, though, for weakness/inauthenticity. It's simply not the case. It'd be assumption.


No cowardice. No excuses. To put it bluntly, men don't play those bitch-made games. No anger here either. I just want us to understand each other.