confusion

confusion [+ favourites]

Dear Eva, I am 34 years old, married for two years with three children, only one is with my husband. I have three stepchildren, and the ex-wife is the bane of our existence. For at least three months, my husband and I have had "discussions" about our marriage, ending in angry shouting matches or complete emotional breakdowns on his part. I have not felt close to him in months, I feel disgusted when he touches me, and I simply want him to leave me alone. I feel guilt and despair, but don't feel it is fair to him or the children to leave. To make things worse, I am falling in love with a man whom I have been emotionally and physically involved with for a month. He has strong feelings for me, but remains uncomplicated and waits for me to come to him with my feelings. He does not pressure me, and i believe he will truly be fine with whatever my choice is. I cannot see a clear choice......

Hi there,

Let's step away from the affair you are having and also your husband's ex-wife and even your husband for the first question.

What do you feel are factors that you are contributing to the problems at hand?

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Do you feel it is possible that your interest in another man prevents you from focussing on your marriage which could lead to a solution?

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Do you feel this man is inherently better, or more matched for you than your husband?

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What reasons brought you and your husband together in the first place, and where are those reasons now?

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What are the core issues of debate regarding your husband's ex-wife?

Thanks, and I hope that with these questions we'll be able to help decode some of the issues.

I am a strong empath with limited control, so I let others emotions in too easily, and tend to find my own emotions cloudy at times. I also feel detached and distant from almost everyone at this time in my life.

My interest in another man has made me focus on solutions to my marriage even more, but it also makes those answers cloudy due to the wishes of my heart.

This man is no better or worse than my husband, but more closely matched in the personality aspects I find comfortable in myself.

My husband and I came together because he was in a severe time of need in his life. As always, I am the empathic listener, and true to nature, helped him by giving of myself. He is now hopelessly dependent on my constant gifts, although at the time we married, I thought he was a good provider, and the fact that he seemed to love me so much made me think he was a good choice.

His ex-wife rules all things concerning the children and their financial affairs. She refuses to consider my family or myself, refuses to talk to me at all, and uses the children to manipulate emotions in my husband. He continually bows to her will, and even after my honest discussion with him, will not defend myself or my children against her malice, and continues to play into the drama she creates.

Thank you so much for your help.

Thank you for responding.

Do you feel that attempting to gain control of your empathy is something you have always wanted to try to do?

If so, why do you think it has not come to a point where you feel unthreatened by such negative emotions? Is it because you feel compelled to deliver your empathy due to others' expectations?

If so, then does that suggest that you too easily subscribe to, and become, what others expect of you?

And further, if this is the case, do you feel that it is possible that you are now rebelling against this by having an affair as being un-empathetic and self-interested in one small burst may be an attempt to rebel against so much lack of control over your care?

Sorry for the late reply. Yes, I feel that I have only recently realized how my empathy has affected my life, and I think it is very important, especially at this time, to get control over it.

I have felt all my life that being a "counselor" to others, or taking away some of their pain has been a gift, one I have always been willing to share. Negative emotions seem to pass through me, as though I take them from the person, and discard them. Although over time it has taken it's toll on me, especially when it is people I love, because then I tend to hurt for them.

Quite possibly I fulfill people's expectations, and as such they don't see me for who I truly am. I have always had a strong sense of self-identity, but often put my wants and desires behind helping others.

My true quandary is that this affair is anything but un-empathetic. I am very closely tied to this man emotionally, and he is a strong empath as well.

Is it a realistic endeavor, and worth it, to consider going through the difficult path involved in divorcing your husband and committing to this new man? Do you feel secure in his loyalty and committment to you?

If your purpose is to take control of your empathy, then you must also understand that quite often allowing your empathy to be controlled, spawning compassion where it is not useful, is bad for all parties involved?

All this being the case, worrying about the pain your husband may go through, or the pain the children may go through, should not overshadow what should be done.

To what extent do you feel your empathy is being manipulated unjustly when you consider pusuing what makes you happy?