Losing my grip

Losing my grip [+ favourites]

It's been some time since I have felt an anger like this before... Any other day I could have been mistaken for a saint, but I've found out that past memories can still be unburied in my mind. I thought I had escaped these feelings keeping me down to the point where I almost forgot it happened to me.

Then I want to say last week some time the wrong thing happened and the wrong time by the wrong person... and It was like glass shattering in my mind and all sanity and rational thought was just thrown right out the window. It was that easy and I didn't even see it coming.

I can only describe it as a rage far beyond anything I've ever seen before.. The energy- the feeling inside that can't be expressed by words- it's a rage that actually scares me to see what I could do with it if someone just happened push me over the edge. It's definitely happened with some people where they avoid me and eventually lose them as a friend after seeing what I've done.

When it happened last week, It felt as if a completely different person took over my body and locked me up in a little cage and threw out the key.


I know I haven't had the best life in the world, but could there be something wrong with these two completely opposite states of mind?

love and want to hug everything on one hand ~ and this re-discovered hate and kill anything on the other???

I am a Gemini btw, and I'm starting to see connections, if that helps any.

Thank you, Eva.

Hi there,

What was the trigger? What did it trigger?

From what I remember it was something very small between me and my girl friend, that escalated when she said something that reminded me of how some people used to talk to me in my past.


It felt for a split second that I was in the past and all these emotions that I once felt and haven't felt for many years came out of no where... that I was reminded that I was basically nothing or had no meaning despite the compassion and effort I've given out.


Those certain things have been said to me in such a loud, mean, and hurtful way that the only way I ever learned was to yell back and completely lash out as if I was about to physically hurt someone or else I would be the one getting hurt.

It was a very strange feeling because it felt like I wasn't even the person I am at this very moment, as if I had completely forgot who I used to be inside; I've gone through that big of a transformation since then. And what was even worse was the after thoughts when those instant emotions subsided...

I love my girlfriend more than anything else in my life, and for me to feel that way inside left me very confused and utterly sick inside because since the beginning of our relationship, I hadn't even slightly raised my voice to her in a serious way... hell, I don't even use foul language in front of her. So when this all happened.. I was and still am confused as to why it would have happened so suddenly despite who and what she is to me.


My family has had a few cases of bipolarism in the past... but I don't want to have to resort to thinking of that notion being true.


I have spent the last 6-7 years of my life repenting and meditating and basically surrounding and indulging myself in nothing but positive thoughts and ideas, and after that happened to me, it felt like all my efforts were meaningless..