Scared and Confused

Scared and Confused [+ favourites]

Dear Eva,

I am very confused. I’m twenty years old and I’m still a virgin. It’s my second year at college where there’s an expected amount of sex and experimentation and I am terrified of sex. I’ve had a few opportunities over the years to lose my virginity but either the girl wasn’t good enough or I was overcome by those butterflies in my stomach (there was never an opportunity when I was in a relationship). I’m worried I won’t be able to perform. I question my sexuality. All of my close friends have lost their virginity. I feel left out.

I was once very outgoing, but now I’m much more reclusive. I fear situations with my friends where I would be obligated to hook up with a girl. I hate lying to people but I don’t know whether I’m gay or straight and so what am I supposed to say when one of my guy friends goes “she is bangin!” I don’t know whether or not I think she’s bangin. Maybe I do? Maybe I don’t? I agree in some half assed way because I’m supposed to.

I find some girls and some guys attractive. I’ve thought that I could be bisexual. I’ve thought about hiring a prostitute but I don’t know where to find one. That way there’d be no pressure. The pressure is crushing.

I’m tired of lying and I want to know what I am but at the same time I’m scared to find out. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like my youth is going down the drain. I wonder how my friends would react to me being gay. I wonder how my father would react. I wish I could just know, like the answer would pop into my head. Then again, maybe it already has and I’m suppressing it.

I once tripped on robotussin and I was lying in my bed and I had all these thoughts screaming in my head and I was restless and I had a headache and it just wouldn’t go away. I admitted to myself that I was gay and I felt relieved. I could sleep.

Before that, for a month or so, my eye would twitch uncontrollably. After the tripping incident it slowly went away.

Even after all this, I’m still not sure what I am, what I want. I’m scared and confused.

Hi there,

As with most of the problems we face, the root is a lack of freedom. We desire freedom to be and do what our minds and hearts tell us, but something or someone prevents us from doing this. This results in anxiety and depression.

Your eye twitching is very serious - it is a sign that you have such high stress levels that your body is overdosing. If you do some research you will see that stress releases various chemicals in our bodies to make us more alert and attentive. However, if you remain highly stressed for extended periods of time, you are constantly receiving this chemical. This results in difficulty sleeping, amongst other things.

I'm going you ask you a question, and you need you ask yourself this question very carefully. Don't answer immediately. Step back, and think about it.

Do you think it is fair for your body to go through severe abuse because of other people's expectations of you?

No, it's not fair. But what should I do about all of this?

We always assume that something must be actively done. Such as confronting someone, or going somewhere. That our external environment is what needs to be remedied.

But your external environment is out of your control. Your father is who he is, as are your friends.

What you need to do is determine who you are and what you want. Who you are and what you want is very hard to see because the fear of what you may find prevents you from freely examining your own thoughts.

If you are gay, or bisexual, or straight, you cannot know because you are afraid that if it is one answer or the other, someone will not be happy. So rather than devote yourself to one answer, you remain confused.

And this, over time, causes stress and anguish. Being in limbo about your own desires is the most painful and hellish state of mind.

Since we have determined that your problem is you cannot freely observe yourself, and that this is brought upon by your fears of what others will think of you or feel, the answer lies in ridding yourself of this fear.

And do you know how to rid yourself of fears?

This is exactly what you did that robotussin night. You were in a delirious state that dismantled your awareness of your own fear, because you eliminated other people's expectations of you and drove straight to your own desires. This doesn't mean you're gay, necessarily. It just means you felt peaceful without fear.

This is exactly what alcohol does, and why people love to drink. If you observe those around you drinking, you see how desperate they are to free themselves from their fears.

But it obviously is not a permanent or correct solution, because you are escaping your fears, not dissolving them.

The only way to get rid of fears, to kill them, is to go through the insane anguish of facing them.

Do you know how to face your fears?

But I can't just tell everyone that I don't know. Does that put me in any better of a situation than I'm in now?

quote:

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Do you know how to face your fears?

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About a year ago I was tripping on shrooms with a friend of mine (not a close friend but someone with similar interests) I felt an intense sexual attraction toward him. In my sober state of mind I do not find him physically attractive in any way but when we were tripping together and talking about life and death I swear that when I looked at him, his face was so similar to mine, almost exactly the same. I did make gestures towards this feeling I was having about him but he didn't share it and I didn't pursue it any further.

I bring this up because the other day I was talking to another friend, again not a close friend and again a guy, and we were talking about yogis and spirituality and all that stuff and his whole appearance to me changed, not to the same extent as when I was on shrooms but it made his appearance much more amenable in my eyes. I'm not sure if I would want to have sex with him but I've noticed that I've never had this experience with a girl. I've never met a girl who was into that sort of thing, life and death and spirituality, and who actually pursued it to any extent.

I don't know if I'm trying to avoid facing my fears by bringing this up but I thought that this might be important.

It's good information that we can use afterwards, but you still haven't answered my question. When I ask you a question, I am very careful about it. I want you to try to answer it as clearly as possible.

No, I don't think I know how.

Talk me through what you think the process is, to the best of your ability.

You have to confront them.

Once you confront them, you have to show your fear that you're not scared of it anymore. And you don't do that by words but you prove it by actions.

You're skipping ahead. You're talking about what you're going to do to your fears, or how you will fix them or challenge them.

You have to slow down all of your thinking and begin from the beginning.

You have to ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?"

You cannot address an impure thought pattern in your mind without understanding its nature.

So, have you asked yourself this question yet?

I'm afraid I won't please the person I'm with. I'm afraid I might be gay.

Why and why?