Happiness, but at what cost?

Happiness, but at what cost? [+ favourites]

Dear Eva,

I'm torn between two forms of happiness, and one of which adds a variable that always tips the scale. One side I hang out with the usual friends; tea time, random horrible movie night, just acting silly and goofy like we are always proned to do. On the other side I can be with the only person in this world that my love is still pure for them, Katelyn[girlfriend]. Nothing makes me happier than to see a simple smile on her face, except of course, all the other things we do together.

The only problems are small in numbers, but have great impact on how I feel after. I can hang out with my friends as much as I want, when ever I want. Katelyn not as much, and only for a short amount of time for now. The twist comes in when Katelyn lets me know directly or indirectly when she's mad that I can hang out with them more than her. And it kills me inside every single time and then feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I'm really confused on what that leaves me to do. It's not even like I spend every second I'm not with her with my friends either.

There's no way in hell I'm going chose between my friends and katelyn, because I already know which one I would pick and that's not fair to them or me.

Although this seems like a very clichè relationship problem, I feel as though this problem inparticular hits me a lot harder than others.

Then my question for you, Eva, are there ways for me to explain to her that she shouldn't be getting this mad over what's happening? Because it seems that every time I do explain it, the next time it happens it's as if I had never said any of that.

Thank you so very much Eva, I really hope this is something of interest to respond to.

John

Hi John,

You've mentioned that you love Katelyn, which I have no doubt is true. But to ascertain whether any love is healthy the burden of guilt and desire of care must be equally distributed.

Your situation is extremely common... so common in fact that people assume it is normal for a girlfriend to be jealous of her boyfriend.

These jealousies do not arise from within her... they have been implanted by other sources. Other people have trained her to be afraid of being discarded. So when she sees that you enjoy your time without her, she naturally feels afraid that you will find adequate joy and satisfaction elsewhere. In order to protect your interest in her, she feels it necessary to try to help you focus on her.

As you have probably spotted, the mistake in her thinking is that you will lose interest in her. Now, unless this is a true possibility (one which you must face yourself, despite what you may wish) then her fears are unfounded and she is placing upon you the lack of trust that others have earned.

In addition to all of this, it must clearly be observed that the definition of love is selflessness... not ownership. Its purpose is the other person's well being, not the other person's well being WITH ME. If you add a "WITH ME" then it is clearly a selfish interest, not a selfless one.

More important than her understanding this, it is crucial for you to understand this. Love means wanting what is best for the other person.

Unless she gets angry because the activities you partake in with your friends are bad for YOU, her anger is the result of insecurity, and therefore, selfishness.

You are then suffering and made to feel guilty because she is selfish.

If Katelyn loves you, she will welcome this information despite the fact that everything in her doesn't want to. If she loves you, she will dig within herself to find out why it bothers her. And if it appears to be selfish, she will either remove herself from your life or fix herself - in the name of love.

Eva