| Stoned in love, but not with you.  [+ favourites]
Dear Eva,
I have been seeing a girl, for this question I will call her [Lisa], for over four years. I think that our relationship has lasted as long as it has, in part, because of the lack of pressure. Neither of us wants to live with someone romantically, or marry, until our 30s at the earliest.
She is very attractive, strong, and opinionated. She is 19, turning 20 in December, and I am 21, as of this September. For the past two years, our relationship has steadily declined toward the shallow and boring. In the last six months, we've done little else but watch movies together, and coppulate.
Lisa has very little ambition, and direction in life. This past year, she managed part of a store, accumulated a savings of about five thousand, and quit her job so she could essentially do nothing.
Conversely, I am approaching a master's degree in international conflict management. I want to use my skills and knowledge to do what I can, to help the planet come a little closer to peace.
To this end, I am going to be embarking on a 6 month voyage to Central America at the end of the year, in a study abroad program at my University. For this question, I will refer to the country as [Honduras].
About two weeks ago, Lisa tried to break up with me. She said that she didn't want to 'tie me down' while I was in Honduras. We worked through this, but during the all-night conversation, we began to speak of expansive possibilities after I return. I realized that, regardless of where I go or what I do, we didn't have much longer.
Lisa does not love herself or respect herself, and I realized that a large part of the decline in our relationship was due to this, and due to my not being able to completely love or respect her because of this. I decided that, if it was going to end in the near future anyway, and after all the tears and anguish we experienced that night, it might be a good idea to simply end it then. But I still cared for her, and quite a bit.
I gave her an ultematum- if we would both start trying a lot harder, and she tried to begin loving herself, and respecting herself, I would stay. I left her place, and called 3 days later. I could tell that she had been crying. We decided to renew, and begin again. The next 4 days were incredible- we spent all our time together, going to dinner, walks through parks and across beaches, picnics, wall-climbing, and frequent, long bouts of the best sex I'd had in two years.
Then she had to help her grandparents move into their new house, in correlation with my going back to school. We didn't see one another for 5 days, and when we did, I could tell that things had already began to slip back. That was about 5 days ago.
Last May, I met [Terra]. It was at a pre-orientation meeting for Honduras, in a sectioned-off part of the campus bar. She was amazing- her confidence, beaming smile, and even her impeccable fashion sense all captured my attention immediately and held it through the evening.
I have seen and done a lot in my life. I've witnessed a loved one die, fought off violent punks and muggers, spoken with international leaders, and been with 4 girls at the same time. My private life has been characterized by the seeking of thrills, and new experiences.
I say this to give it weight, when I tell you that meeting Terra completely shattered my reality, and brought whole new meaning into the words nervous excitement for me. She sat next to me at the meeting, and it was literally all I could do to keep from passing out. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and I'm sure that I wouldn't have been able to stand if I had to. I've dated and hooked up with a lot of what people would call "babes", but I was completely unprepared for Terra's beauty and energy.
After the meeting, I only saw Terra a few times in the halls of the University, and every time it got a bit easier, but not much. I still have to lean against walls when I'm near her, to keep my knees from buckling. As a mixed curse and blessing, I have a night class with her this semester, "Topics in Latin American Politics", with only 9 other people in the class. It's a beautiful hell.
Terra is going to Honduras as well, and I think that if I focus, I can win her heart before we return, if not before we embark.
I am content in my current relationship, with Lisa, but I am not happy. There is something important that has been worn or burned away from our relationship, that I'm not sure we can get back. More importantly to me, Lisa is still completely devoted to me. She calls me her 'soulmate', and thinks that she'll never meet another guy that will treat her as good as I have. This is partly due to us being together for so long, and her not being able to imagine life withotu me. This is also partly due to her self esteem issues, and I have made frequent attempts to convince her otherwise, right from the beginning.
I know that if I leave Lisa, it will devestate her world. Almost all of our friends have a much stronger connection to me than they do to her, and I'm fairly sure that the last time she went out socially without me there as well, was about three months ago.
Additionally (and selfishly), there is of course no guarantees about what could happen between me and Terra. This excites me more than scares me, but it also presents the possibility of being alone. Like Lisa, after being in a relationship for so long, this is an unsettling prospect.
I need your advice, Eva; I don't think I can turn to anyone else in my life. What do you think I should do?
Thank you deeply and sincerely in advance, for your reply.
Awaiting anxiously,
- [Donovan]
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