Alienation of all my friends

Alienation of all my friends [+ favourites]

I almost always feel (and react accordingly) internally reflective when i am presented with a possible lack of reciprocity.

I first wonder whether the person who is displaying this lack of reciprocity is doing so because I am mistaken in my assumption that I did indeed provide them with a certain kindness, and whether it is correct for me to naturally assume that they will reflect it back to me.

This is a gentle manner of existence and although i would say it is an innocent and pure form of interaction, it is also somewhat flawed.

Its application in my life has been problematic, for the one phrase "benefit of the doubt".

And now everyone is pretty much gone.

Not that I miss anyone really. I feel quite sad at the way things have turned out... that is most definitely the most obvious feeling that re-occurs on occasion. This is because there are so many familiar pleasant times you can think of in the past, and then you know such things will never ever occur again and you are weighed down.

Every friendship I have that has ended in this manner has not been pleasant, and has been clearly felt by both parties. There is one specific reason behind them, as I see it now.

That reason is that people eventually desire companionship so much that they will forgoe correctedness for this prize.

I am not an easy going person. I have high expectations of myself and maintain that I should remain in a constant state of positive evolution otherwise there is really very little reason to exist.

Anyone I care about, including my friends, must adhere to the same self-improvement criteria. If they do not, I slowly and gradually focus my energies elsewhere. It makes sense in a natural way, because the only way for someone to be happier as time progresses is to remove the impurities in their lives that hold them down.

So, in essence, I stop loving people when they stop loving themselves. And everyone I know has stopped loving themselves in exchange for some form of emotional stability, be it bondage or keeping someone else in bondage.

The interesting thing about this is that once my wonderful friend has decided the path of bondage, any attempt I make to free them from it is taken with hostility. This is why it seems almost pointless to do anything.

All I can really do is walk away, shaking my head.

And then I wonder, was it something I did? is there something else I could have done?

But no... logic will, over and over, vindicate my intentions for I was always more willing to confront problems, solve problems, communicate criticisms, and even be more sacrificial in an attempt to compensate for their lack of reciprocity.

I'm completely certain that everyone may find it easy to convince themselves that they did their best and that everyone feels that way, so no one can really judge the other and actually be correct.

But that's really pop-culture talking.

The truth is, there's always an answer... there's always someone's mistake that ends up destroying a friendship.

And unlike the people that may live in denial, convinced that everyone has their own perspective of things and that there is no true blame to distribute, I can clearly assert my innocence with the language of the universe: Logic.

We may all miss certain efforts on each others' parts due to our weaknesses as humans. But in the end, loving intentions are clearly communicated and clearly dejected.

And when someone you care about tells you they will not listen to you by the resolve of desperation in their eyes, you stop looking at them because it would hurt every time.

And, like I said... you don't miss them because time accepts their decision.

But you are sad because they made that decision and threw away a care from a person like me that they will most certainly never find again. And in a selfless way, I would have wanted them to have that gift.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

I don't quite understand your post..are you sad..or gloating about the end of these friendships? I know you said you are not sad, but it seems contradictory for you to actually write about the "problem," if indeed you have no feelings about the prediciment at all.

It seems you may have put up walls to help reflect rejection; rather than your friend "rejecting" you for another intimate relationship you reject them first in the manner or I should say with the guise of "lack of self-improvement." How can anyone live up to these expectations? Clearly they are finding it hard because as you say all of your friends have become "alienated"

....anyway I found your post very interesting to read..but none the less confusing.

Are you looking for advice or are you just sharing a thought?

Well, I did state that the memories of good times and the awareness that they will never occur again does inflict sadness upon me. That is likely one of the reasons I felt obligated to share such information.

I am not seeking advice, but psychological discussion on the topic and theories (such as the one you presented) are most definitely welcome.

In regards to your suggestion, that is most definitely a plausible possibility, one that I have thought about. However, there are a few reasons why that seems an unlikely truth:

1. I apply the same expectations of myself, and have done so even before I had friends.
2. I readily attempt to encourage anyone I meet to love themselves more, not in an aggressive way but in the most effective way I can.
3. One of my self-improvement goals is to communicate one's need to love themselves more efficiently.
4. On numerous occasions I have done so almost like a beggar: I absorb whatever abuses the other person may throw on me and still attempt to convince them to love themselves.

The primary contradiction between your theory and the facts is that if your theory is true, then I would most definitely not attempt to genuinely succeed at peacefully convincing people to love themselves. However, that is certainly what my past actions have been. If your theory is true, then I would have deemed them unworthy because of their lack of self-love and judged them as abruptly and quickly as possible... something I have never done.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

Your second post helped me understand your point of view.

I just have some questions...

How are you encouraging this "self-love?" (an example)
What are you deeming as "self-love?"

In your first post you implied (and I may have mis-interpreted) that these friends are expected to forego "emotional stability" to keep your friendship.
What do you mean by that?

What are you calling bondage?

I'm very glad you're interested in what I'm saying...

I'll answer the first two in composite.

Self-love, I equate to, self-improvement. This, in essence involves the removal of one's insecurities so that they may readily be themselves more often, follow goals that they truly desire (and are not a form of compensation for an inferiority complex), and not become attached to the many vices that float around trying to coerce people into becoming slaves to their insecurities. An example of one simple insecurity may be the way a girl looks at her body... people may say it is normal for a girl to feel insecure when she looks at a model in a magazine but I do not agree. This insecurity is artificial, a sickness almost, and it can be systematically removed so that the girl in question is no longer affected by these untrue suggestions.

The method to achieving self-love is generally the acquisition of information that is otherwise mutated or manipulated before it reaches your mind. It involves the re-conditioning of one's mind to oppose what negative conditioning they may have experienced. Using the above example, if a girl has grown up feeling inferior to those around her that may have been more popular or more pretty, this commonly assumed to be natural state must be exploited for the truth that it is. In general, the people who took more interest in being beautiful in their youth did so because they suffered insecurities at a younger age... this was likely due to a problem in their upbringing. Hence, if you look at such a situation in a clear light, to want to be that beautiful person you are stating then that you wish you had a dysfunctional home. This is a contradiction, and when it is presented the sub-conscious actually re-programs your perception and such insecurities actually begin to dissolve away. Then this girl in question may spend more time smiling and less time being afraid that she isn't worthy to smile.

The main method I use to help people with this is logical psychological analysis. I see that they are unhappy, or compensating and in a non-threatening and compassionate way I try to make this problem apparent to them so they recognize that their lives can be far more free and happy. Almost always the logic I present is infallable, and so they always understand and agree with what I am saying. But the difference is that after I'm gone, the desire to remove these vices seems to be replaced by a sense of lethargy, and they don't seem to realize or even want their lives to be as free and productive as I see that they can be.

How can you sit and watch someone you care about purposely cage themselves by vices (shopping to compensate for insecurity, drinking to compensate for insecurity, fighting to compensate for insecurity, manipulating to compensate for insecurity, repressing to compensate for insecurity) and still adore them or look at them with love? It will undoubtedly cause you pain, and you will undoubtedly eventually stop loving them (as the heart and mind both eventually achieve equilibrium when no repression is involved)

I'll answer the last two as composite as well.

Bondage generally refers to a "vice" of some sort. In this example I use it to describe the attachment one might have to an activity that provides shot term "fixes" of confidence to compensate for a deep rooted insecurity.

It's important to understand the preceding paragraph fully because that answers a majority of your questions about what it is that I feel is the goal of self-improvement and what the exact problem is. If one is unconfident, they may sniff powder to make themselves feel better. In fact, most drugs on the planet provide one of two effects (both satisfying the need to overcome insecurities): Escape or confidence.

The path and human need for bondage is represented everywhere. Most people who smoke don't really have an explanation as to why they smoke except that the habit somehow gives them confidence. The most widespread religion on the planet, Christianity, is a faith based on the theory of bondage (you are born a sinner (insecure) and must perform acts to overcome this insecurity, but you will still always be a sinner so you must keep performing these acts).

Hence, as you can already tell, once someone is involved in bondage, they in essence take one of two positions: the person who is holding someone else in bondage for security, or the person being held in bondage for security.

The first person forces the other to constantly pay an unpayable debt, and the second constantly tries to pay an unpayable debt. In short fixes they both receive and deliver these bursts of "love", but the fact is that if someone makes you a sandwich or goes down on you due to guilt rather than love, both of you are perceiving something as love that is most certainly not love.

Such relationships make up probably 90% of the relationships out there. Usually one person treats the other person far worse than it is reciprocated, and we all sit and wonder why, oh why that friend accepts all that abuse? Mostly because they don't know they are being abused because somewhere they feel they deserve it... this is the result of low self worth.

Hence, if you remove the low self worth, the bondage cannot take place. Similarly, if you remove the low self worth, one will not need to hold anyone else in bondage.

The primary drawback of being in such a relationship is that although you are feeding your insecurities in short bursts over time, they in essence still exist. And you will never really be able to feed them enough to fulfill them completely. This is a very scientifically proven theory: The law of diminishing marginal utility. Anyone who knows about drug addiction will tell you that you always need a little more the next time around because your insecurities and needs will always grow acustomed to a little fix and then want more.

Insecurities are a self-sustaining organism... the more secure you try to become (in the wrong way, via compensation), the more insecure they try to make you. This is also psychologically sound.

Hence, over a long term, if one is caught in a relationship of bondage, they will mutate sub-consciously... their insecurities will become permanently imprinted in their systems because they will have "fed" them little fixes, thereby helping them grow.

The result of this can vary... in general you can say the "soul" will die because as the insecurities grow more and more, the person will become less of a person and more of a "permanent insecurity compensating machine". This means that all their activities, all their thoughts, all their actions will be the result of a need to compensate for one insecurity or another.

Once this happens, what they could have been, and what they are or were is pretty much lost. They actually become a "machine" that is a part of a world of machines.

I appologize for this being so long.

But the end of this post leads to the beginning.... In my loving my friends, i tried and tried to help them hold onto the parts of them that were still "human", and tried and tried to help them overcome whatever insecurities they may have held. But as my attempts became more and more ignored, we drifted more and more apart, and they became more and more mechanical.

And in the end, I miss those times when we interacted as "humans". If I am not compensating for insecurities on a constant basis, it is clearly assumable that our interests will slowly and surely divert into different paths. It's an inevitable eventuality that I have accepted... and I'm not sad about it. But I miss my friends in their semi-innocent human forms.

But those are gone now.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."
[  Edited by Decius at   ]

I have to admit when I read your first posting you came across as a very narcissistic person, but after reading your last post (if you are as you read) you have a tender and caring soul.

I completely agree with you and I fully understand your point of view.

However (and we both knew this however was coming!) I still believe we define our own life experience and you are alienating your friends (as you say) for either other reasons you do not wish to share or you truly feel it is because they do not prescribe to your ideals of self-love. I am left wondering….if you are correct in your analysis and in fact you do choose to leave your friends because of self-harm (because really as you define bondage that is exactly what it is—self-harm) then I wonder why it is that you are so vulnerable to other peoples “pain.”

Most of us can be very empathetic people, but our differences can still be separated. Meaning I can be empathetic about someone who is dying but still remove my inner feelings to such a degree that I do not die right along side of them (metaphorically speaking). You seem to be highly intelligent (at the very least highly in tune with your mind and body) and be touch with your deeper sub-conscious feelings….but why it is that someone else’s “folly” can cause you so much pain?

I think I can speak for most other people when I say that we encounter or have different kinds of people in our lives, but do not take on their life experience as our own. I know you did not really want advice and I fear that I am treading dangerously close to counseling you…..

Basically in summarization; for someone who seems to be so intelligent you are letting other people’s fears, faults and crappy choices into the inner core of you and allowing it to impact you emotionally. I feel if you simply acknowledged these friends for who and what they are and kept your heart just a little closed (unfair and crap I know) you would be surrounded by kind and loving people.

You see too much….you feel too much for the people who are attracted into your life.

Your analysis is entirely and completely correct. As well, your prescribed solution is also entirely correct. However, it is somehow very difficult for me to do so. This is because I am a stubborn idealist and in being that way it is hard to draw the line between being responsibly careful, and being jaded and uncaring.

I would say the primary reason why I am less logical about my interaction and involvement in other people's loss and gains is that I have traditionally been taught to feel quite guilty for my innability to adequately care about people. One of my own self-improvement ventures is an attempt to overcome this "unpayable debt" without losing my desire to help people (for I am certain that these are two seperate needs even though they may be manifested similarly).

In regards to your "however", I think the easy answer is that I don't alienate anyone. In the end, they alienate me. I suppose I made it come off like I am the one that judges them and moves on deeming them unworthy but that's never what has happened. I'm trying to do what you have stated... trying to close it off so that we can interact at some superficial level while still perhaps holding onto some kinship. But I have never really done this yet as I'm not strong enough to close it off from anyone. But I would say only recently have I become somewhat able to do this.

But as of right now a majority of the distance and alienation I experienced in my life was, again, not initiated by me. It was the simple eventuality of a difference of interests, which as I stated above, is inevetable when people have such opposing priorities.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."