Seeking Advice About an Online Friend

Seeking Advice About an Online Friend [+ favourites]

I am torn. I have a friend online who I respect and care for a great deal. I believed the feeling is mutual since that is what she has told me before. Now I am not so sure.

We really got to know each other more because we participated in the same RP (roleplaying game) together where she was a mod. When that fizzled out in a not-so-nice way, the other players pointed the blame at her but I was the only one to stick up for her. At one time after that had settled down, she told me that if she ever decided to go back into RP again, she would be "honored" to have me RP right there with her. Her words made me happy 'cause I knew she was still hurt over what happened. She even said to keep an eye out for any "good" RP's and let her know.

To make a long story short, right now I am a little jealous and a whole lot hurt. She is now a part of a new RP and she did not invite me along nor did she really even tell me which one it was. (I only found out one day when I was on my search looking for one and noticed that she had already applied recently.)

The other night I did something very childish, I admit. We were chatting on IM when all of a sudden she got "quiet"... when she finally DID respond much, much later I knew why it took her so long and I really felt like I was being a nuisance more than anything else. So I did not respond back and I eventually did sign-off without even telling her goodbye. I was just... upset and REALLY hurt.

The next morning I felt bad for what I did and sent her an email apologizing and explaining that I did not want to bother her anymore than I already had because I knew she was writing her little 'ol RP post and that was why I purposely "ignored" her. Sent the email and she never, ever responded back. She always responds whenever I send her an email but this is the first time ever that she has not... and I worry that I might have pissed her off or worse.

I am avoiding signing on any IM programs in fear that I might have to confront her... I really am afraid that I might have messed up a very special friendship that I really do value because I did something stupid. I am just hurt that she "forgot" about me... and the words that she said before when she was trying to recover, I feel like that was all just to get her back on her feet and to go on her merry way without me.

Right before this, she said that I have earned her loyality... but know I am scared I broken that. What should I do? Should I just sign-on and wait for her to say something? Am I making a big deal out of this? Any help/advice appreciated!

"Two wrongs don't make a right but one wrong isn't right either."

It's never a big deal if you feel something. You have only your heart to respect.

This really depends on the nature of your relationship. How reliable is your perception that she looks at you like a good friend and not just some online girl that she talks to once in a while?

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

I would say she does not look at me as "just some online girl"... I mean, she is a fantastic knitter and she even made me something and mailed it to me. And I know she is always there to help others. Even if I did not know her and I just happen to spot her giving advice to someone, I would think she is a really nice person.

That said... I like what you did say about having my heart to respect. She knows I am a very private person and have trouble opening up when it comes to my feelings. For her, it might be ten times more difficult.

"Two wrongs don't make a right but one wrong isn't right either."

I think it's important that you realize that even though you look up to her that she could still be flawed and accept that even if this is the case, you can still respect her.

This also means that you could find a flaw in her and point it out without being alienated.

From my experience if someone is a nice person, philanthropic and caring, then they will understand when a friend of theirs is in pain or even confused and will actually find it pleasurable to help them solve the riddle.

If she is as you describe her, then you should have no problem speaking to her about it.

So either you are fearful or hesitant for your own insecurities (and she is a nice person and you should just go ahead and do it) or you know somewhere that she isn't as caring and nice as you think she is.

Either way, the solution is simple (as it almost always is) and you should go ahead and talk to her about it and be as honest as possible with the open mind that she will absorb it and understand and help you rather than be offended.

Another question... what is the general problem she had with the RP group?

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

Oh... I know and she knows she is not perfect either. (I always joke to her about how blunt and forward she can be sometimes, heh.)

Your advice does make the most sense and I know I am going to have to put aside my own insecure fears and just be honest with her. I just know no matter who it is, I have that fear of what someone's response is going to be. I think I better gather up all my courage and try it, probably tomorrow if I can. Otherwise it will keep bugging and bugging me.

As far as your question goes... Well, the RP group had 3 mods. Apparently various things led up to where 2 of the mods just resigned their positions one night after a disagreement, but still wanted to remain as players. (They are like two peas in a pod) She got up the next morning and noticed that they had dropped as mods and she made the personal decision to end the game there. Her reason was she thought that these negative feelings would spill over into the game and she did not think that was fair. (In a way, it was already happening before that) That is pretty much how it went down in a nutshell.

"Two wrongs don't make a right but one wrong isn't right either."

Well, you already know and knew what you had to do you just needed someone else to say it. You admit that you have a fear of confrontation, and fearing anything is bad right? So just learn to realize that without confrontation you are bound to repress thoughts you wish you could have expressed... and you will envy those of us that are able to do so with pride and confidence.

So instead of envying the assertive, become the assertive.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

Okay, a small update... I had to email her cause we both have apparently been really busy lately. I was just honest with her and poured out my feelings into the email. She replied back to me not too long ago with the most beautiful email ever... if I was the overly-emotional type, I probably be crying up a storm here! She is such a nice friend..... I am so lucky to know her.

So Decius, if you read this, I want to personally thank you for your advice and support! Not only has a weight been lifted off my shoulders but now we both know where we stand (together of course!)--and our friendship is even stronger and closer now because of it. You gave me that push and I will be forever grateful, seriously!

"Two wrongs don't make a right but one wrong isn't right either."

That makes me happy!

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

Decius, You're the king. ROFl. good work.


I also seem to have a problem with confrontation...with people I like anyway. fear of losing them or rejection most likely. -_-;;

"I'm a human being, God Dammit!! My life has value!!!"

That's the thing... it's a contradiction: If they are as valuable as you think they are they would definitely be understanding. If they aren't understanding, then you're fooling yourself and they aren't worth it.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

<THANK YOU> That's exactly what it happening to me as I am attempting to type this response. I've been thinking about that for a little over a month now. I do not know why I haven't seen it before.

"I'm a human being, God Dammit!! My life has value!!!"

It is a contradiction, but you usually get so wrapped up in the most absolute worst response imaginable anyway, that you almost forget if they are your friend, then they would at the very least listen and try to help and be there.

That's why I needed someone else to slap me and get me back on the right path, hehe.

"Two wrongs don't make a right but one wrong isn't right either."