The Ski Date

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 ofevery living thing along with a few good humans."
"You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws bybuilding the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 20 years for me to finish
the Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The U.S. government beat me to it."

"Whatever doesn't kill you will.....well,it will hurt like hell, but it wont kill you."

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
>purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
>talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
>money.
>
> After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right)
>an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
>
> The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
>She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was
>curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
>elderly woman replied that she made bets.
>
> The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
>
> The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
>testicles are square."
>
> The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was imp
>ossible to win a bet like that.
>
> The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
>said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
>
> "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
>testicles are not square."
>
> "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
>involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
>tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
>
> "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
>
> That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent
>a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them
>this way and that, checking them over< /FONT> again and again until he was
>positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring
>himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
>
> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
>the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet
>made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
>
> The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the
>day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to< /FONT> drop his pants etc.
>so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
>
> The president was happy to oblige.
>
> The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
>president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president "Given
>the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
>
> The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
>noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the
>elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably
>because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be
>holding th e balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

"Whatever doesn't kill you will.....well,it will hurt like hell, but it wont kill you."

That Noah one was good.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."