The Acceptance of Bullshit

After rereading this post, I would say that I began to accept bullshit once I realised I didn't have to pretend to myself that I wasn't full of bullshit.

"Durch Nacht und Blut das Licht"

Other than a painful insistance on trying to be completely honest from a very young age even at the cost of people's feelings, it was probably more painful for me because I also have a gift for knowing just the wrong way to say things, even if they are right.

but other than that, I've pursued the ideal that I should try to treat others as I'd like to be treated, I just haven't had the motivation to follow through, when it comes to anything more than me not killing people.

Instead of bothering to be moral or otherwise, I seem to have made a habit of just trying not too exist, without having to face how much of a pussy i am that can't seem to kill myself (at those times), oh i mean without giving up the last shred of hope and belief in the good of mankind.

I lost the ideal notions before I even learned any of them, this happened because of my lovely experiences with the ugly side of people from the age of conception.

From beatings of others, to some of myself, to the sexual abuse, all the drugs, to the litany of other psychological/emotional "family fun", all before I was 4 kinda made me a little wary. Then when round 2 started with the step dad and the continued wife beatings and more sexual abuse for all the kiddies to enjoy, and even more drugs, to the courts taking kids, to one dying and of course more fun time with fun parts for everybody, everybody left that is, to blah blah blah, that just made it sink in.

Actually, come to think of it, I think it happened one bad hair day in junior high, my mistake.

Either way, I learned at an early age the savage nature and cruelty of man.

I attempted a half assed crusade for honesty integrity, and not purity but the abstaining from illegal substances till 18, except for under age drinking infrequently from 16, but heavily if so (i gots tough genes for the substance). Not to be righteous, but because the thought of being like the people I had to grow up with made me either want to vomit, or strongly desire to commit very violent acts upon people and or things. I only slipped on that a little once or twice.

Hey there is always the chance that someone might need a hole in a wall the size of a someones head.

And I have yet to discover the answers to the mystery of why they don't just put holes in all doors when they make them instead of relying solely on my ex and her natural talents with my temper. I swear, people get paid good money for the type of skill she had.

"The Greatest Enemy of Knowledge is Not Ignorance, It is the ILLUSION of Knowledge. Stephen Hawking"
[  Edited by Ironwood at   ]

I have no reply to your post leftwood, but I'm very glad you posted it. Normally I suppose it would make someone unhappy to see a post like that... but I feel good knowing you are aware of the arbitration that has caused you to be the way you are, rather than live the unaware victim of it.

Which I suppose is the awareness I wanted to find in those that replied to my post.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

Its an ugly reality that forces a broadening of the mind, but in that expansion comes the point of view, like a big step back, that allows you to see how people are actually genuinely innocent and well intended, how everyone is governed by fear, insecurity, and that they only do the things they do out of fear, curiousity is an epitimization of innocence no matter what the subject matter being inquired or the means of inquiry. It takes a lot of depersonalization to see these things, otherwise they become rife with emotional misrepresentations.

The cosmic joke for humans may very well be that like it is explained that we do with animals and forces of nature, giving them human characteristics and relatable emotions (mock souls if you will), that it ends up actually being the case of what we do with ourselves and eachother. Basically just placing a type of meaning on anything and everything in a way that suits our purpose, allowing us a sort of sanity and coping mechanism for dealing with existing, as well as the ability (subconcious or otherwise) to adjust these ideas, beliefs, rules, boundaries in order to feel ok with our actions, like lying or killing under legal command or otherwise.

Being able to live, and being able to live with ourselves.

Sorry if my thing was kinda graphic, I've kinda gotten used to it all and have heard so many things that are worse that I'm numb to my own anymore, that and I've had to say it over and over again (mind you there are many things omitted as is) in my attempts to attain affective, uh, professional help.

Would you believe I had professional therapist actually tell me that he wasn't sure what to think about my case, that he'd never encountered anything quite like it, ohh, I felt special let me tell you, yeah, that went nowhere.

Oh, and as for the unaware victim comment, I can't say its worked out to well being the aware victim either.

"The Greatest Enemy of Knowledge is Not Ignorance, It is the ILLUSION of Knowledge. Stephen Hawking"
[  Edited by Ironwood at   ]

Primarily, if you are an aware victim, at least you won't beat your kids.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

That's a very important and interesting point, how true it is is a case to case basis, but knowledge of problems and knowledge of what to do about them are 2 far different things, happily though, I can attest to one person who did exactly what you said, because of my awareness to cycles of abuse I recognized and overcame impulses that could have very very bad results. Ultimately things weren't able to work out and its all a big mess in some ways, but luckily the ex is a better person than many, and I thank her for it.

"The Greatest Enemy of Knowledge is Not Ignorance, It is the ILLUSION of Knowledge. Stephen Hawking"
[  Edited by Ironwood at   ]

Innaction is somewhat a solution... at least a temporary one.

If you are aware that what you suffered as a child was abuse and are somewhat aware of what made you the way you are, then you are less likely to inflict the same negativities unto those that would fall victim to your actions.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

compulsiveness, when you find something being a compulsive issue, they tend to have formed earlier in life & probably work at a unconscious level. I can't sleep with the TV blaring away, yet many people turn on the tube to go to sleepor fall asleep watching it?
Ex would lay on the couch to sleep, the closest thing I could figure was the need to feel she was part of the activities of life as she worked graveyard shift?

"Terrorist or tyrant, few may come to the Truth that both are poor choice."

don't know what it matters, but offhand I've gotten the impression that sleeping to TV or radio generally stems from coming from large active families or extreme social backrounds, I worked the night shift many times, doesn't mean i want to listen to any more peole yapping,

I can't sleep to people talking, makes me think, music either, unless it has no words or loud bursts, I sleep to a fan, white noise, consistent rhythmic, and supportive to denial based desire to believe that the rest of the world doesn't exist a times.

"The Greatest Enemy of Knowledge is Not Ignorance, It is the ILLUSION of Knowledge. Stephen Hawking"
[  Edited by Ironwood at   ]

Thank you for the input, I still trying to understand it, myself.
I don't even like the sound of a fan but a desire to live or at least sleep in solitude may be the source of discomfort. I enjoy being with people at times but I enjoy my solitude as well.

"Terrorist or tyrant, few may come to the Truth that both are poor choice."

not a source, but a symptom, and the fan thing, its takes a little getting used to but is highly effective for helping with little noises that might wake you.

"The Greatest Enemy of Knowledge is Not Ignorance, It is the ILLUSION of Knowledge. Stephen Hawking"

I need a fan or hum when I sleep as well. Drums out unique sounds I suppose.

"Hating everyone protects me from elitism."

Sleeping by a campfire I find that the nocturnal activities of insects & animals less alarming than those of man & his machines.

"Terrorist or tyrant, few may come to the Truth that both are poor choice."

somebody has technilogical advancement issues

"The Greatest Enemy of Knowledge is Not Ignorance, It is the ILLUSION of Knowledge. Stephen Hawking"

quote:

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technilogical advancement issues

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"Terrorist or tyrant, few may come to the Truth that both are poor choice."