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| <<<>>> |
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Feeling Love when there is No Love to Feel |
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| Created by Decius at
| [+ favourites]
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A conundrum, and so I will ramble on in the hope that I come to some rational understanding of the solution.
Presumably we are all supposed to be filled with love by our parents and perhaps our siblings, but primarily our parents. This is supposed to satisfy and build our self-worth and re-enforce our own abilities to accept that we are loveable people.
Okay, so let's assume that an individual is raised in a home where there was some love, but not true honest selfless love (overall) and so the child had to be an adult earlier than they were prepared to which retarded their ability to feel loved because they were never filled with the conditioned idea that they are love-able.
So there is an unnatural void where a void should not exist - the human child, who is now an adult, is uncertain of their loveability.
Therefore, the only solution is for them to experience that love for a reasonably long period of time (or intense short period of time) so that they are reconditioned to believe that they are indeed loveable.
How does one achieve this? How does one create the feeling of being loved when there is no love around? Friends do not suffice, and parents do not suffice. Siblings and potential partners do not suffice. The only conclusion can be that love must come from within.
But how?
I attempt to sit and silently love myself. I try to think of my faults and my strengths, my achievements and my innocence (through visions of my honest suffering) but it does not create an emotional sense of love towards myself.
In all logical probability, this should work, but it isn't working.
I believe that this is because I am desperately in need of feeling loved. Why? This must be because I am currently being unloved in some way or another.
But I am completely alone, so what could this be?
And so there it is, I think. I believe that I am still hindered by her. Her persona, that I tried to convince myself over and over loved me, does not actually love me. And I must come to terms with this truth. When I come to terms with this truth, i will no longer currently feel unloved. If I currently do not feel unloved, then I will slowly begin to love myself as i reflect unto myself.
However the pain of facing this, yet again, will be difficult. To face that I was unloved and am still unloved. It will kill something within me but I must do it sooner than later. This will free me.
For I am not unloved by anyone else because there is no one else who i perceive loves me. The only person I feel like calling or interacting with during these times is her, which is the fallacy: She does not love me right now.
Not through her fault, she is incapable. That is irrelevent. The end result is, I am not loved, and I must face this.
Then i will be able to love myself because nothing will be dragging me under.
Actually her wanting to but being incapable is quite relevant. It will help me understand why I was unloved and am unloved, and will prevent me from becomming jaded, perhaps. This is the problem and why I do not want to face it right now - I do not know how to cope with it. When I don't know how to cope with it, I can become jaded and unstable.
Therefore, to maintain my stability I must understand that I loved her as best i could, and although she tried to love me she was prevented from loving me for the same reason I cannot love myself right now. To blame her, to become jaded because of her would be the same as blaming myself right now! I want to love myself wholeheartedly yet I cannot. Does that mean it is my fault or the fault of those that did not love me? Similarly, it is not her fault. It is the fault of those that did not love her.
She was too busy being unloved to love me, and now I am too busy being unloved to love myself.
Therefore, I must understand why she was unloved and I will therefore understand why I am unloved. I will accept this, care for her as I should, and free myself from the clutches of those that do not love her.
This will take some meditation and time, to attach her behaviour towards me to her own silent conditioning that was tugging at her, but I believe I will be able to do it. Perhaps my own innability to love myself is providing me the necessary empathy to be able to see through her eyes, which will in turn free me.
Sweet. |
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| Created by Decius at
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