 |
|
|
|
|
 |
(605 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
(486 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
(103 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
(300 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
(0 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
(344 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
(174 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
(166 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
(132 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
(333 words)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| <<<>>> |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Drowning in Air |
|
| Created by Decius at
| [+ favourites]
|
|
|
|
|
Drowning all day today. 20 hours awake. Sleep is there, in my gut, in my spine... but it won't enter my mind. It tugs at it, and I want to succumb. But I am absolutely awake. My eyes are tired from all the tears - my mind is tired from all the tears.
They come in spells... sometimes I need to avoid it because the last spell has not yet worn off. I'm uncertain what will happen if I let it go during one of those times. I think, I think I can't devote enough energy into mourning - so it is wasted. The avoidance is a good decision then - to save it when I can absorb it fully.
I've felt it all day - this suffocation. I can control it, but its undeniable tugging is something that must be addressed - perhaps why I cannot sleep. Something unresolved.
A year later, this audio I am listening to. A year ago, when you first arrived. The drive to get you, and the rest of the day. Memories, pictures, they catalyze something in me but sometimes it is too uncomfortable. I can't read all you have written.
I can't tell what I am weeping for... I felt angry today but after much meditation it became apparent that it is a withdrawal symptom of the whore thing. So I seperated that.
And then there was just you - memories of you. This is a different type of pain. Initially, I had attacks that held me in a gripping pain - and I wept. But then it ended just as abruptly as it began.
But this is uncertain... I cannot tell what is wrong. It feels more real, more genuine. I miss you. I know you are the love of my life - i look at pictures of you, when i was with you here, and am amazed: You are beautiful! I couldn't feel it at all... I couldn't see it at all... so you had to go.
But you are perfect. I miss everything - as usual, the imperfections bring me to my knees.
I've lost the will to feed myself. I meander around, I mope. I have a set of rules that I must abde by:
1) I cannot contact you because that would disrupt your progress
2) I cannot rely on false dillusions in people to escape or aid in my pain (which means I cannot speak to anyone about it)
3) I cannot escape using vices.
So I mope around - I meditate... but this pain, this suffocation and uncertainty - this missing you - is just eating me. I can't shove it out and feel it entirely. I don't know what's wrong. It feels like something is wrong.
But I don't want to let go of this. I want to let you do this. I trust you. Your growth, your fight... I have no doubt that you will succeed.
Yet, I feel compelled to hear your voice. And it makes me cry to think of it. It would feel so good right now. Your gentle soft loving voice. The only love I know - with compassion. Eyes for my soul.
My mantra, that I repeat every time that pit in my stomache begins to flare at the thought of you - like it did years ago, causing me to falter - is: This is good for you. This is good for you. This is good for you. This is all good for you.
And when I believe it, all the pain goes away. |
|
|
|
|
| Created by Decius at
|
|
|
