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| <<<>>> |
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Shell of a Man |
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| Created by Decius at
| [+ favourites]
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My first thought is, it's not painful. There isn't pain involved. But it is not a positive feeling because nothing happens. My thought is, there seems to be no purpose to this, so I must be wasting my time.
But I, probably more than once a second, think the thought that has made me do this: When I look in the mirror, I do not associate what internal struggles, feelings, memories or experiences I have gone through to the man in the mirror. I recognize him as a face I have been around for a long time, but I know very little about him.
I stare at myself, at my eyes, and nothing happens. But I believe something will, eventually.
This is the problem: There is no association between my internal monologue and the man I see in the mirror. And certainly it is true that the man in the mirror is the man that has experienced all that I have experienced. Yet, I can not place him there. Or if I do I almost assume he would have reacted differently... because I do not know him.
But he is me - whilst I cried, he cried. When i sat in darkness surrounded by demonic depression, he sat in the dark unshaven with demonic depression. His face was long.
I know this, but I do not feel this.
As with everything we know but do not feel, time must be invested to bridge that gap - for what we know is absolutely useless if we do not feel what we know.
The man in the mirror is more confident than I am. He is better looking. He is far more love-able. Just look at his eyes - they are soulful and innocent, and passionate all at the same time. Irresistable.
It seems, I associate all that is good to the man in the mirror, and all that is bad to me. Even if he is slightly fat, he doesn't give a shit. But I give a shit.
Somehow, the man in the mirror is everything good I have achieved, yet I do not allocate those same achievements to me. He is great, but I am not. He is beautiful, but I am not.
But he
is
me.
So, perhaps if I stare at his eyes long enough, I will begin to see myself. Perhaps in doing so, I will bridge that gap and recognize good things I see in the mirror... so many good things, treasures, gifts, just waiting to be captured.
If he is me, then I am beautiful.
Perhaps I do not see who I am inside, the good things and the bad, because I have forgotten the story. But somehow, his eyes tell the story. As I look at them, the story is there.
So, I invest my time reading. Absorbing. That I am that man. I am that man. |
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| Created by Decius at
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