Son of God. Child of the Universe, time and space reserved... unequivocal... irreplaceable. A unique hairline, a unique smell and odor, and a very unique soul. A brain, a massively immensely powerful brain. A heart, full of everything nutricous and lovely. So much hope, in this child. So much empathy. These random tears seem so abrupt... the thought of some prostitute walking into a river because she knows her life will never see the light of day. That hope... that lack of it. That emptyness, that loneliness. I feel it. I feel it and my brain fizzles and like a seizure I collapse. Does this happen to everyone? Are these ideas common to all people?
Common? Am I common like you all want me to believe? Am i a common rat that everyone can look to for guidance when necessary?
Common, to be treated as such. For common people do not bend over backwards as I have. Common people do not suffer the indignity of placing their hopes in you.
And you are angry. Angry for what? Angry at me? Angry at the world? Angry because I have made it abundantly clear who I am, and who you are? Angry because you are a repressed person with lots of love in your heart... with decrepid old passages tainted with so much anger and hatred that when you touch me all I do is faint. You drain me. My love, my aura, my juice, my color. I become lame... my skin loses its color, and I curl up into a ball and hide in the shadows where no one can see me.
Afraid. You have made me afraid of everything. Eveyrthing that should see me, hence afraid of light. This is why I stand here, before you, at this ungodly hour screaming into a form on my own blog, because you are all gone now! You're all gone! You will never read this, and never justify my anger, my abuse, my tainted nature. I will never expect nor hope that you receive this. If I do, I will punish myself. Why?
Because you are not going to change. You are a closed minded, opportunistic bastard. You have seen the love in me and wanted a piece of it... you smiled and felt whole and new again in my presence. But you secretely hated me because I became your drug. And we always hate our drugs even though we believe we love them, and could never live without them.
But you can live without me. See? You live without me now. You are not crying, tossing and turning, coping, absorbing, coming to terms with the mistakes of the past. Why would you? If it was your nature to do so, we would be on the phone crying with each other... crying tears of joy and love and complete and utter adoration of being alive, connected, in such a beautiful wholesome manner.
But this is not so.
I am alone here, in my anger, drowned in it. I see the phone and I am afraid. I see pictures and I am woeful. I walk amidst others and see so much fear reflected back unto me. My own fears have become so abundant that all I do now, every day, is see and feel everyone else's. I have no pride, no confidence, no ability to overcome theirs and even in any manner help to aid them in escaping it, let alone myself.
I am a sponge of disgust. I roam the land being twisted and turned by everyone, most of them not even knowing they are torturing me.
You have made me this way. YOU. You have made me feel common. A Common man, I am to you. And I do not believe it, and I hate you for forcing me to believe it. And every day and every night I sleep and try to smile as I listen to youthful loving songs of happiness and I feel nothing. I feel nothing at all. All i feel is a numbness. That is what it is like to be jailed. To be in prison. To be imprisoned by the gifts you have bestowed upon me with your conditioning.
And why? What for? For you own self indulgence! If i am uncommon, then your ability to delude yourself into thinking that you are proper in being with me, around me, in companionship with me is threatened. To protect THIS, this ghastly self-dillusion you have kept me in the dark for so fucking long! You have kept your compliments, you have tainted them with that green ugliness, and then kept them inside your pockets. Why? Perhaps, perhaps if you held onto them long enough you would equate me.
You are not me, all of you. All of you. You cannot equate me. You cannot and are in no position to criticize me. You must fuck off if you are so ridiculously insecure of your own shadow and reflection that you cannot look upon a gleaming soul such as I and smile. You do not smile. You look down upon yourself. You are ENVIOUS of me! ME! Someone who loves you, someone who eats after you eat, someone who adores you so much! You are jealous of me, and you punish me! And you lie to me!
Love. Love. Love. Such an easy word. Such a misscommunication in this world. Love. Love is what I described. Love is empathy. Love is understanding. Love is wanting what is best for hte other person. Love is selflessness, in selfishness. It is the absence of personal desire over the benefit of the other. It is absolute and complete sacrifice, and the possibility of that.
I would have died for you. I know that. I knew that. And when I told you that, you desperately, desperately wanted to believe that you would also die for me. But... BUT... YOU.... WOULDN'T. And you let that go.
You let it go, over and over and over.
And no conscience, no love, no understanding, no social responsibility held you to tell me even once that maybe, just maybe our feelings were different.
Because you wanted that sweet nectar. Because you loved, so very much loved, the way I looked at you. The way I treated you.
Am I special now? Now that I am gone?
THe truth is, you will never forget me. never. You will read this sometime, because you can never forget me. You will think of me, and a sadness will always overcome you.
But not me. Because I am right, and you are wrong. You never accepted that this was possible, becuase you were so preoccupied, so busy, with hiding your compliments, hiding your respect, tainting it all with jealousy. GOing on letting me feel absolutely common.
And all this time I performed, I thought, I said, i created so many uncommon things. Everything in me, about me, around me and within me is uncommon.
This is the source of my anger, you see. I am uncommon. And it angers me, just as it would anger me anyone, if a giant was made to feel small. If the sun was made to fear the planets.
I am a burning candle, a thousand candles. I am a light. I am a light to the truth. I see this, and have always seen this. And everyone, everyone, everyone has done nothing but envy this. And in their bastardly envy, they tried to suffocate it.
No more.
No more, you fuckers.
No more believing in your lies. Your self deceipt. All you sons of bitches. I've encountered and had the actual pleasure of communicating with people who once criticized not only my words, my thoughts, but my intentions. With such logical certainty and with so many manipulative tricks that it was very difficult for me to survive such things intact.... save for my emotional and entire dedication to logic. Irrefutable.
And in these communications, months or years later, after some small measure of maturity, these people have contended that they admit speaking out of ego. They admit it was horse shit. It was for self-sustanance. Self defense.
Self defense.
You attempt to elevate yourself to my level by chopping at my knees. You attempt to elevate yourself to my level by secretely abusing me. And such a failure that is. Such a human characteristic this seems to be. Is it my upbringing or my soul, my devotion to logic and morality that finds such behaviour absolutely unnacceptable?
Compete! Compete if you must, if you are so immature and weak and stupid that you must, compete! But compete as you should.... out-do me! Surpass me! Defeat me in a discussion! Why do you want to chop me down?
Because you believe you cannot accomplish this.
And this is your failure. This is your failure I have tried, and tried, and tried and tried, and I will go on trying and have always tried and will always try with everyone and anyone I ever encounter... to convince you that you CAN.
you CAN out do me. You CAN defeat me. You CAN outsmart me.
But you don't believe it, and you won't believe it, and you will never believe it. Because you hate yourself so much. And yes, I know, that isn't your fault. You weren't born like that. That is the trap I have always fallen into. With so much love, so much adoration and care, I always permitted such things to go on far too long because I always knew you suffered.
But that .... blinded me... It blinded me from seeing that you weren't actually trying. You had no intention. No true intention. And your words were incorrect... wrong... you never opposed me and said "fuck off, I'm not changing". You were never honest with me. You said you agreed, but then went about your daily life cursing me. hating me. You hated me because you envied me and I made you feel small by trying to better you.
Deeper and deeper and deeper into the hole.
Anger... in my chest. I will always love you, as I love everyone I ever encounter. But i will fear no more.
Don't you see? That is the uncommon thing about me that places me in such a wonderful beautiful place. I will never judge you. I will never blame you or hate you. I will always welcome you into my life, and into my heart, with open arms. Even after this, even though I feel this rage and anger, I know it will pass and I will just be smarter. I will see your lies, and I will see your repression, and I will simply not believe you.
Not hate you.
Never take the anger with you. You use it to learn, as I am learning right now. You take it with you just as long as you don't learn from it. You have made me loathe myself, and so I am angry at you. And you should get angry at those that made you loathe yourself.
And I'm certain you think I did, but I did not. What I did was not that. I tried to help you. and I loved you. And that is why you will never forget me. That is why no matter how much you want to hate me and you want to despise me, you know who I am. You know what I am. You know the truth in my eyes. And you will yearn and wish for me to look at you like that again.
And when I don't, when I don't because you are still a danger, when i don't because I am consumed with rage, it will tear you inside in a way you can empathize with so tremendously right now.
To be judged.
I will never judge you. But I suppose I need to right now for some closure. No more fears in this shining star. I want to be happy, I want to be proud of myself.
I am the most intelligent person I know. It does not make sense that I should be the most isolated, and most unhappy. My entire life is a raging pile of dogshit. Monetarily, physically, emotionally, personally, and especially sexually. Everything, everything i should be and can be I am not. I am nothing. i am a vessel.
But that's all going to change. I'm going to be a bitter, closed minded bastard about loving myself. And anyone, anyone, ANYONE, who tries to make me feel bad, will feel my wrath.
And my wrath will never present itself in a physical or overly aggressive way. It will come from underneath, because I am very smart. I will see you intentions, and I will grow intensely angry in a very silent and hidden manner. And I will smile, and say one phrase or a series of phrases that will make you hate yourself for being the way you are.
Is this punishment? No. I will reveal to you how green you are... I will reveal to you how despicably disgusting you are to yourself. Never, ever, by suggesting that myself. Simply toying with your own perceptions of value.
For if you fail to see the great man that I am, it would be easy for me to present myself as a great man to you, by your definition of greatness.
And in doing so I would destroy you. And you would never see it coming. And that, that also, is a form of love. That's how terrifically incredible of a person i am. My form of revenge is your rehabilitation.
